November 30, 2014

Fall in Southern Alabama

Fall in Southern Alabama

PENSACOLA, FL #Technique #Emptiness #Radiance … and a distinct lack of solitude.

12:16 PM

I headed out early and, when I grew tired, pulled over for a nap somewhere south of Daphne, ALOn the drive down, I focused on “that which is unchanged” as mentioned yesterday from Adya’s book. It’s a powerful practice and useful for accessing Emptiness, but it does take you away from the feel of Her.

Still, it’s a very useful practice. In many ways it feels almost like a combination of my HDI theory and Radiance—that “You” are a hole that God is poking through from His/Her higher dimension into this 3 dimensional world. That hole-as-You is the constant, unchanging thing.

4:56 PM

Well, I’m officially back in Florida. One of the things I don’t like about this state (and I’m allowed to dis it since I’m a native), is that it is practically impossible to get away from people. Out west, it is simple to spend an entire week without seeing another soul, but in my entire Florida residency, I don’t remember ever finding solitude for even a day (other than if you stay shut in at home). Oh well. We all have our crosses to bear.

November 29, 2014

Father & Daughter at the Parade

Father & Daughter at the Parade

COE CAMP, JACKSON, AL #MyLove #Remember #Radiance #Emptiness #MiracleLog and magical moments.

6:25 AM

He was a black man and he walked with a delicacy and respect for the uncertain ground he found himself on, a respect that comes with a body that no longer bends and twists like it did in younger years.

I lay on my side in bed and watched him out my van window as he readied his little boat for launching on the still waters of the bayou and I realized I was happy.

I felt this happiness deep in my heart, a joy for this man, a purity much in the way one feels when a toddler smiles innocently up at them for seemingly no reason at all.

I was happy for the man, who alone on this still and chilly morning, was doing what he loved.

And I was happy for myself, for in that moment, I realized that this Light entity, this Love archetype—God Herself—can be found not only in nature and not only in selfless actions, but in the lives of others doing what they love and it reminded me of those words I overheard in a little cafe in Taos as a young woman consoled a down and out man and told him not to worry, that, “… all the Universe wants is for you to be happy.”

I had been concerned with this trip, that all I would find on the East coast—with its overpopulation and materialism and selfishness and stress—would be more of that dark egoic entity—God unconscious.

I was worried about this darkness until this very morning when I saw the Light… moving within an old black man in Alabama, doing the things he loves.

3:42 PM

After driving for the day, I sat outside and smoked my pipe and started reading Adyashanti’s Resurrecting Jesus. I figured if I was going to take this mystical surrender stuff seriously, I might as well learn from the best (Jesus and Adya). Just as I read…

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

the wind suddenly picked up and leaves started to fall everywhere around me, and each leaf seemed to represent one of my past lives and I turned off the Kindle and sat and watched the falling leaves and I expanded and felt the Eternal-I that has always been a constant throughout this life and all my previous lives.

I felt I/She/We open and smile in recognition and gratitude and I was happy.

And the wind stopped. And the leaves settled. And the crickets resumed their chirping. And all was exactly as it had been.

And it was good.

November 28, 2014

COE Camp

COE Camp

COE CAMP, DEMOPOLIS, AL #Radiance #MyLove #VanDwelling

1:17 PM

I would have stayed longer at the Jeff Busby camp but I ran out of propane this morning and it’s too cold at night to be without it, so I moved as soon as I realized the heater wasn’t heating.

Again, while driving, I practiced seeing Her as a living entity—a single life force within everything. When my mind would drift into the me-me-me self concerns (Where will I find propane? Where will I find a camp? …) I would see these thoughts as a single dark living thing (Her unconscious) and I would stop “feeding” it as soon as I realized I was doing just that. The key was to not focus on any details, but just to see that my attention was either on the Light entity (life force) or on the Dark entity (egoic concerns).

Powerful stuff, especially when I pull away the Radiant portal. This might be some kind of turning point.

1:27 PM

I’m “camped” at a Corps of Engineers park. It’s ambiguous if it’s legal to camp here. Online it says “Yes,” but the only physical signage is about the boat ramp and a day-use area—no mention of camping. Still, whenever I find ambiguity, I tend to error on the side of risk/reward rather than caution/fear.

I love COE parks. They are almost always right on the water.

November 27, 2014

Filling The Water Jugs

Filling The Water Jugs

NATCHEZ TRACE, MS #Journaling #VanDwelling #MiracleLog

7:40 AM

I lay in bed listening to the gunfire erupting all around me while debating whether to reply to a critical comment left on the blog disagreeing with what I had said. I opted not to. While I have been reading all the comments on this new blog, I haven’t been replying to any of them for three reasons:

  1. This is a journal, not a teaching blog. inadvertently became my teaching blog and in my time remaining I’m planning on writing a book about Mystical Oneness, so I don’t want to get dragged back into interactive teaching mode right now (I’m still continuing to guide Michelle, though she’s developed to the point that any “teachings” are just reminders).
  2. I’m thinking about making short ebooks out of this journal. I like how ebooks feature the ability to highlight entries and to take notes which would allow readers an easy way of summarizing anything they find important in these works. I did this with a book by Meister Eckhart and found it very useful and still refer to it often. Since I’m not planning on including the blog comments in the books, it makes more sense to post any replies I might have in the journal entries themselves.
  3. I don’t want to get dragged back into debating theories. I don’t just think about my theories—I apply them, I practice them, and I live them. Any need I may feel to defend them is just more self-concern (defending my actions), the very thing I’m wanting to surrender. Besides, all the explanations for my theories/actions can be found in:

Oh, the gunfire was due to hunters. Killing innocent, helpless, and defenseless animals is apparently a very popular past time around here. A proximity to hunters is one of the few downsides to forest-based van dwelling (but can largely be avoided if it’s a concern).

9:06 AM

Just got a Thanksgiving text from my brother. Dad’s doing better. His shortness of breath was due to pneumonia, but they seem to have that under control and he should be released from the hospital today or tomorrow. Good news… and I’m grateful. I replied I should be back in Florida in about a week.

3:19 PM

Arrived at Jeff Busby Park, a free campground on the Natchez Trace. I expected it to be full for the long holiday weekend, but I’m the only one here. I was greeted at the entrance by a whole flock of cats, which was coincidental since only an hour ago, after seeing my third (possible) stray dog, I was thinking that I hadn’t seen any stray cats this trip. Sat down with them and a really sweet grey and white one came up to me and let me pet her. Was tempted to take her on the road with me but I’m not ready for such a serious relationship. Filled my water jugs (a task I’ve always oddly enjoyed) and picked a spot for the night. As I was typing this, the mystery truck drove by to confirm my stay, so it looks like I’m golden for the night.

November 26, 2014

Fall Fallen

Fall Fallen

E OF MONTICELLO, AR #MyLove #Technique #Surrender #MiracleLog … and Spiral Dynamics.

4:20 PM

While I thought I’d take a day off from traveling, I found myself breaking camp and just went with it. While driving, I put the song I See You on repeat and focused on feeding the Love/Her archetype that I “discovered” yesterday (I invented the Internet too).

Powerful practice. It’s the details—the thoughts—which screw us up. If we could just focus on Love/Her as a living thing—as an invisible but shared commonality to all life (and feed that living thing by giving it our attention)—I believe humanity’s spiritual development would accelerate rapidly.

Earlier I had sent Nathan a link to Ken Wilber’s take on Spiral Dynamics. I hadn’t read up on this since the late ’90s when I was trying to piece all this stuff together (and trying to go from SD’s Green level to Yellow). What I found interesting this morning was the last part of the description of the Turquoise level:

Turquoise thinking uses the entire Spiral; sees multiple levels of interaction; detects harmonics, the mystical forces, and the pervasive flow-states that permeate any organization. 0.1% of the population, 1% of the power.

I never understood this back in the ’90s but now it’s pretty much my day-to-day life:

  • multiple levels of interaction: AND’s not OR’s
  • the mystical forces: Her and synchronicites
  • the pervasive flow-states: Less of “you” results in a flowing life

What’s also interesting is that the second tier levels are reflections of first tier levels just from a transpersonal perspective (Yellow is the transpersonal version of Beige, Turquoise of Purple, Coral of Red, …) and that the levels alternate between self-centric and social-centric (me -> us -> me -> us -> me -> …).

My point being that my recent Us-centric Turquoise (spiritual teacher) development has shifted to a more Me-centric Coral level (surrendering myself to Her). Note: The Coral level isn’t listed on the link above, but can be found on other sites.

This recent Me-centricity is all about my strong desire to rid myself of anything that stands between me and Her—very primal Red level stuff (me/ego) but seen from a transpersonal view (me/Her). Ie: A “do-or-die” “battle for” and “demand” to “surrender” my self-concern and self-will to a “Power God” (words in quotes reflect Red’s war-like terminology).

So my mysterious actions of late are starting to make more sense—they’re just a natural progression (albeit rare) of a recognized pattern of spiritual development.

Whew. I knew I wasn’t crazy.

5:51 PM

A funny/weird coincidence: As I was uploading this post to the website, my MiFi device (used to get me online in my travels) changed its status color from flashing green (4G) to solid red. I’ve never seen the red light before which just adds to the odds-defying nature of the “I was just writing about the Red and Coral levels of Spiral Dynamics.” Weird but true.

November 25, 2014

A Lego Bridge

A Lego Bridge

OUACHITA NF, AR #MyLove #VanDwelling #Surrender … and archetypes as living things.

10:31 AM

This morning, in a convenience store in Oklahoma, two employees—racists—were discussing the rioting in Ferguson, MO. They were filled with such vileness and hatred. Being white, apparently they expected me to feel the same way they did. Holding my tongue, I left in disgust.

I struggled with my anger during the long, lonely drive, determined to find a way through it… and then I did.

Instead of focusing on the details of the anger—the racists, my conflicting feelings about the rioting, my disenchantment with humanity in general—I focused on the archetype of Anger/Hatred. I saw it as a living force and that I was nurturing this force—feeding it—by focusing on the details (the racists, the riots, the apathy).

Once I saw Anger and Hatred as part of a much vaster archetype—as a living entity—it was much easier to stop feeding it.

As I drove, I looked out at the beauty and nature surrounding me and saw these things as an archetype also—the archetype of Life/Love.

And, while I drove, I chose to feed the Life/Love archetype—Her—instead.

And it was good.

2:48 PM

I drove over 200 miles today—more than I like—while mostly focusing on the Love archetype/living thing mentioned above (though occasionally slipping into ignorance while being tailgated on the winding mountain roads, blotting out all the Beauty I was driving through).

I made camp in a free campground in western Arkansas. I’ve got the place all to myself and the mystery truck has already driven by, so I don’t expect to be disturbed for the rest of the evening. I had hoped to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in this forest (the Ouachita), but Dad was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning having trouble breathing and Mom’s got my brother and I in a holding pattern until she knows more so I may not get my wish.

Surrender is not at all easy.

It’s been one of those clunky days.

3:19 PM

Back to those archetypes mentioned above: It would be easy to think of them as two separate things—the religious might call them Good and Evil, or God and the Devil—but really they are just opposite ends of the same thread (a saying I’m fond of from Seeing Clearly). I’m starting to think of these opposing life forces as the conscious and unconscious sides of TaoGodHer.

The Love (selfless) archetype is God Herself moving through us (consciously), and the Hate (selfish me-me-me) archetype is Ego (God unconscious) moving through us. Kind of fits in with the Perennial philosophy (or maybe it’s Hinduism, I don’t know, this is a diary, not a book) where the story goes that God, bored out of His mind all by his lonesome self, created the Universe and everything in it and then made Himself forget that He was all the separate things also (conscious = unity, unconscious = separation).

Fits in with the Genesis story that Man has free will and God’s not going to mess with it (Man’s ego = God’s unconscious).

I’m in 100% agreement with both stories—I like the way it all fits together so nicely.

The less there is of me-me-me (God unconscious), the more there is of Her (God conscious).

November 24, 2014

A School of Expectant Cows

A School of Expectant Cows

SULPHUR, OK #VanDwelling … and prairie dogs and an expectant school of cows.

11:04 AM

After waking suddenly to a school of eerily still cows mysteriously gathered next to my rig, I wished them a good morning and a pleasant day of grazing (they seemed to want me to say something) and made myself a cup of coffee and drove onward through vast farmlands and quiet back roads until I came upon a couple of buffalo standing like sentinels at the entrance to Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge.

Within the refuge, there was a sign pointing toward something called the “Holy City” which intrigued me so I made the turn which led through a colony of prairie dogs toward a bunch of buildings made out of red rocks. Upon reaching the Holy City, I took one glance about, didn’t see Her anywhere, then turned around and hung out with the prairie dogs for a bit.

I find Nature far more spiritual than a bunch of man-made buildings and statues, but apparently everyone else thought the opposite because the Holy City was quite popular, while the poor prairie dogs received hardly any attention at all.

November 23, 2014

It's All AND's

It’s All AND’s

EAST OF GOULD, OK #VanDwelling #MiracleLog #HealingThing #NoSelf #MyLove … and drifting like Forrest Gump’s feather.

3:47 AM

A noise startled me awake and a bright light pierced the darkness of the van and a surge of adrenaline shot through me. A cop? A thief? That killer on the loose I read about on the news?

A moment later, the fogginess of sleep cleared and I realized I wasn’t camped out in the desert but at a Walmart and the light was just the street lights shining between my curtains.

There is no way today’s popular spiritual teachers are “blissed out” 24/7. No way anyone could have experienced calm clarity in this situation while the mind is confused from sleep.

I wish today’s teachers weren’t so opaque about their lives. To imply 24/7 bliss is like a lie by omission.

But then as I’ve learned the hard way, transparency—at least for the spiritual—appears too normal. It doesn’t sell.

8:25 AM

Looking for coffee in this quiet town, I sat at a red light while a flock of birds, off to my right, gently floated and swirled about, playing in the easterly wind. Just then, a small, soft, white feather drifted across my windshield, hovered a moment, then floated off across the street, reminding me of the opening scene from Forrest Gump. The light turned green and I pulled through the empty intersection feeling as charmed and lucky and grateful as Forrest himself.

11:00 AM

I’ve stopped at a picnic area overlooking Palo Duro Canyon, which is interesting in that you travel across all this vast, flat, and open farmland when you suddenly come across it.

My father’s clogged artery seems to have mysteriously unclogged, but his leaky heart valve is still leaky. Thankfully, he’s decided to live with it, as the risks of surgery at his age are too great. Since there’s no hurry to rush back to Florida, I’ve decided to try to avoid the interstates as much as possible and take any scenic routes which call to me as I come across them.

It’s a pleasant feeling to be drifting like Forrest’s feather—with a clear destination but no pre-defined path.

3:44 PM

Tired from fighting the relentless wind, I pulled down a dirt road and found a place to park. I sat in my easy chair, pulled away the me-contraction and stared out over the long brown grass waving in the wind. As usual, without boundaries, everything I gaze at feels at once both outside and inside of me. There’s a joining, a merging, a blending that is so hard to describe. The sound of the wind blowing through the hollow tubes of my roof rack, the slight shivering of the van buffeted by the wind, the ache in my neck and shoulders from driving too much… it is all me and Her and Us. Inside and outside.

It’s all AND’s: I, She, We, Other, Me… it’s all made of the same stuff. Separate AND one. Different AND the same. It’s not a mental exercise at all. It’s beyond it. It is an experience of the Divine Herself.

It’s not a permanent state—I have to consciously pull the me-contraction away—but it’s easy enough to slip into.

There’s a storm coming. Maybe I’ll spend the night here.

6:04 PM

I just read Michelle’s latest blog post. In it, she confesses one of her deepest fears: Her feelings of anxiety in relationships. I’m so proud of her. She’s walking it. She’s putting her fears out there for the world to see and in doing so, is distancing herself from them. Fading Toward Enlightenment had the same effect on me: Practically unintentionally I ended up writing about myself from both the first and third person perspectives (early duplex personality?). The confessing of my past and fears had the affect of distancing me-the-witness from me-the-story.

And the exact same thing is happening with Michelle. You can see her no longer exclusively identifying with her fears, her thoughts, or her emotions. Michelle-as-the-witness is starting to become more stable.

This “distancing effect” is one of the reasons why I think I’ll require any future students to blog about their lives (though possibly anonymously at first).

November 22, 2014

Desolation at Dawn

Desolation at Dawn

HEREFORD, TX #Remember #Surrender  #MiracleLog … and a missed whisper

6:43 AM

I awoke on a vast empty plain of utter nothingness. The overcast sky in the pre-dawn light matched my mood of despondence. What a failure I am. I have completely failed at making a living on the spiritual path: I’ve failed in my teaching. I’ve failed at inspiring. I’ve failed in my writing.

The vast nothingness of the desert plain reflected these thoughts and filled me with despair.

But as my mind cleared from the grogginess of sleep, I saw through the key false assumption of these dark, depressing thoughts just as the sun crested the horizon.

Every one of these thoughts is about a false me-thing. A me-thing made completely of illusions. Made completely of thoughts.

Every one of them is about results stemming from self-concern.

With a clear mind, I let all those thoughts drop into the nothingness, pulled away the self-contraction and expanded… and saw the Present for what it really was: a beautiful dawn of a new day.

11:49 AM

I drove a long, boring stretch to Clovis, NM to do some wash. I was surprised to see the laundromat largely empty on a Saturday.

On the drive here, I thought about how the trying in my life often leads to discontent. While the desire for a better life is key in growth, and the desire to express one’s creativity is key to a sense of worthiness, the attachment to results—the trying—is a key to suffering. I want to remember this.

Another thing I want to remember, and I practiced this on the drive, is to see Her in all living things. As I wrote in Fading Toward Enlightenment:

We had been One, but now no more, my weakness – simple desire. By wanting more, we split in two. I the Ego and She the World. I apart from She.

Or as Leona Lewis sang:

I live through you and you through me.

2:10 PM

I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant that had great reviews online. The waitress brought me the wrong order, a smaller, lighter fare. Without thinking, I said this isn’t what I ordered and she said, “Oh! I don’t know why I brought you this.”

Like a fool I didn’t listen to Her whisper because when the meal I ordered arrived it was tasteless and heavy and left me feeling a little ill.

November 21, 2014

I Want To Believe - Agent Mulder

I Want To Believe – Agent Mulder

EAST OF ROSWELL, NM #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness … and a simplified view.

7:40 AM

In letting go of the personal, what is left? The transpersonal: The Soul (Eternal), Love (Radiance), the Source (Emptiness).

Years ago I let go of the higher personal—the ego story. Now my practice is to let go of the lower personalself-concern.

Seeing it this way simplifies things for me. Surrendering to God is very abstract, yet surrendering self-concern is very concrete. Ultimately they are the same thing. The less there is of self-concern, the more there is of the Divine within.