November 20, 2014

Warming To You

Warming To You

WEST OF SOCORRO, NM #MyLove #Surrender #Death … and the nature of cold snakes

7:09 AM

Already I am experiencing the benefits of this surrender—this practice. Every time I have a me-thought—a thought of self concern—I feel the contraction, the hardness, the darkness of “me.”

And in feeling the contraction, it reminds me and I surrender the me-worries and I’m immersed in Her being… in the Everything.

This immersion is such a wonderful and freeing experience in comparison to the me-thing with its doubts and self-concerns.

Meister Eckhart:

Whoever desires to be given everything, must first give everything away.

7:58 AM

Oops. I posted yesterday’s journal entry to my old blog which of course immediately sent emails of it, so when I posted to the new site it sent another duplicate email. Sorry about yesterday’s double posting.

8:02 AM

What the duplex personality (such a clunky phrase) often feels like is almost identical to what a long-term relationship feels like internally. You no longer are just one person, you are a person-plus. Practically every decision you make involves the other person even if it is just in your head or heart. You take your lover into consideration in almost everything you do or plan. Even though they may not be physically present, you hear their voice and feedback constantly in your thoughts.

See? I’m not so strange.

11:34 AM

I moved camp 20 miles to the east. Not much of a travel day, but I wanted to re-visit a camp I stayed at about a year and a half ago. Who knows, maybe I’ll never see it again.

The other day reader, Shawna commented that at Dad’s age, “you never know when it may be the last time you see them.” For years, whenever I say goodbye, I like to keep that thought present, that I may never see this person again. Sounds morbid, but it makes clear just how temporary this mortal shell is, and not to take it for granted.

And speaking of death, while driving up the rugged dirt road to my new camp, I came across a snake lying in the road. Since he didn’t move as I rolled up to him, I thought he was dead, but on closer inspection he was just lethargic from last night’s cold temperatures. I snapped his portrait and left him to tan in peace.

3:10 PM

Reader Carmen had recently asked about surrender (as in going with the flow of life) and my need for isolation. These are really a couple different things. What I mean by surrender is the surrender of my self-concern. When I surrender in this way, life tends to flow along wonderfully—as if the Divine Herself is guiding things. I see this “if surrender then flow” pattern as more evidence of Her existence.

But surrender doesn’t have anything to do with isolation. I love solitude and I use it to strengthen my practice. I feel that in order to grow spiritually, solitude is very useful since it allows us to acquire new skills without the distraction of having to explain ourselves to others.

On the other hand, social interaction is very important to help us integrate these new skills and reveal our weaknesses and attachments (spiritual knots).

November 19, 2014

Gazing Skyward

Gazing Skyward

OUTSIDE MAGDALENA, NM #VanDwelling #HealingThing

8:04 AM

It was bitterly cold in the van this morning. While I was warm in bed (the new comforter is much better than the old one), the air temperature in the rig was in the low thirties. Once the heater kicked in, it was comfortable, but it did make me reconsider my plan to head up to Show Low and eastward along US 60 (higher elevation = colder temps).

I did the healing thing a few more times last night, focusing on my father’s bad heart valve. I’ve found myself doing an odd thing in preparation. Though I’ve never been a student of chakras (and quite skeptical of them I’ll add), I end up visualizing (and this is going to sound really weird) two hinges, one on the side of my hip and one on the side of my head and I swing them open and everything inside me falls out the open “butt hinge” and Light fills this hollow body-tube through the open “head hinge” and it burns away and cleanses any clinging matter and “me” stuff.

Only then do I do the healing thing (in this case, I visualize myself inside my father’s heart and patching up the faulty valve using this Light stuff).

I’ve never read this in any How To Be a Mystic manual, it just comes spontaneously. Weird, I know.

Please don’t have me committed.

4:26 PM

I took the road to Show Low and I’m glad I did. It’s a beautiful route. Once up on the Mogollon Rim though, there were snow patches so I continued eastward to a place I’d camped before, a little spot east of the Very Large Array project which, being lower in elevation should be warmer tonight.

Even though where I’m camped is quite isolated, a truck just drove by my van, stopped for a moment, then turned around and drove off (I’m camped on a dead end). I would say that 90% of the time, when I first pull into a dispersed campsite—no matter how isolated the camp is—a truck pulls up within a half hour then drives off. Then no one comes by for the rest of my stay. Never a problem. Never anything dark or sinister, just some guy either looking for a camp or…? I’ve never gotten a bad vibe from them or anything. It’s gotten to the point that I expect it. “Oh, here’s my welcome-to-your-new-camp visitor.” Weird but true.

November 18, 2014

Naturally Fuzzy Things

Naturally Fuzzy Things

TONTO NF, AZ #Surrender #HealingThing #VanDwelling

8:29 AM

I awoke early yet remained in bed. Out the window, the dawn slowly lit the sky with shades of red and orange. Atop a tall saguaro cactus a hawk sat, silhouetted, scanning the desert floor for his breakfast.

Surrender is not at all easy. Though I had no definitive plans for the winter, while in the Southwest I had intended to meet up with a yearly gathering of fellow van dwellers in Quartzsite, explore Tucson and the southeastern portion of Arizona, then meander north with Spring to explore Colorado.

But all of that was just of the mind—nothing real. They were all “Me-thoughts” which inevitably lead to unhappiness.

What difference does it make what I do—or where She takes me?

Meister Eckhart on surrender:

You should give your all to God, and then worry no more about what He may do with what is His.

I’m grateful for the mind-boggling synchronicity of this event… and the practice/scars/wisdom I expect it will provide.

It is the easiest thing in the world to say you are willing to surrender to your higher power, your highest self, your God or your ideal…

It’s another thing entirely to live in surrender.

The smart have their words, the wise have their scars.

9:18 AM

I sent an email to Mom and Jeff (my brother) telling them that I’d be heading back to Florida for the winter. I intentionally didn’t call. As any spiritual seeker knows, it’s exhausting trying to explain your reasoning when your reasoning isn’t based on just reason but reason plus something indefinable and ethereal. (Ken Wilber calls this transrational, as in rational + Cosmic Consciousness/Divine inspiration).

Besides, they know me. They know I’m just as stubborn as they are and will do whatever the hell I decide to do regardless.

I sat in the van cargo door and ate an egg sandwich, tossing the scraps for the ants and birds and coyotes to later find while thinking about the route I’d take back to Florida.

I don’t feel in a particular hurry, Dad’s got a blocked artery that Mom says can be corrected with a stent—she made it sound rather minor in comparison to the diagnosis that one of his heart valves isn’t fully closing and would require open heart surgery if he were healthy enough. They are going in for more tests on Thursday, so things are still in the evaluation and planning stages.

I did my healing thing for him a couple times last night and this morning. I have no clue if this stuff even works (I’ve had mixed results in the past), but it can’t hurt and I enjoy the experience.

3:51 PM

I drove about 150 miles, playing music and singing along most of the trip—feeling good. Kept with a generally easterly direction but never sure of a destination. Ended up making camp at a free national forest campground outside Globe AZ that I stumbled across.

Michelle had told me that she had a “pretty neat disembodied-self experience” while driving and singing recently. After spending the day doing just that, I get it. It is hard to think while singing and in the midst of deep spiritual practice, this disconnect—the disembodied-self (Witness)—is much more likely to happen when you are not thinking yet while actively doing something (ie: singing while driving).

Michelle may be onto something.

November 17, 2014

The Light Behind

The Light Behind

MORRISTOWN, AZ #MiracleLog #Surrender … and an unexpected change in plans.

8:40 AM

The purpose of the bold text is to make it easy to scan these long posts. I don’t expect you to read every word or every paragraph. I do the bolding for as much my benefit as yours.

On another note, as I mentioned yesterday, I want to watch/listen to that song I See You as a daily reminder of the Divine incarnate and my desire to feel one with Her. A few minutes ago I did just that, but—instead of watching the video—I sat and stared out at the desert as the wind would make the limbs on the bushes and the stalks of the grass sway and pulsate while the early morning sunlight danced across the leaves.

I see you…

That melody of the song, the meaning of the song, combined with the visuals of the real world were beautiful. They were inspiring.

I’ll have to do that more often.

2:13 PM

I didn’t really need supplies, but I found myself breaking camp for some unknown reason (ala the trait as mentioned in yesterday’s entry). Just before I started the engine, I get an email from Mom saying Dad needs some work done on his heart (he’s 80) and she needs some cataract surgery and is only comfortable driving in places she’s familiar with and I wondered if maybe I should head to FL for the winter. (Note: My brother lives 3 hours south of them by car, 45 minutes by his nifty little plane, so they aren’t without some family support.)

I had planned to head down there for next winter.

I refilled my water cans and purchased some supplies in Wickenburg, then tried to find the camp I had stayed at during the winter of ’09 but missed it by about 5 miles. Oddly, no one else is camped out here so I’m wondering if they (you know, “them”) don’t allow camping on state lands anymore. Plenty of primitive fire rings—which is usually a good sign—so I’ll stay at least the night and see if I have a clearer picture of what my next moves are going to be.

3:30 PM

After a short walk, after contemplating the enormity of the “coincidence” (I started this blog a few days ago and it is all about my willingness to surrender my life to Her and then this comes up), I came to the obvious conclusion that I’m to head back to Florida once again. I think this is the fourth unexpected time in five years. At least this time around it is during the pleasant winter months rather than the miserably humid summers, so I’m grateful for that.

Surrender your will to me, Wayne.

November 16, 2014

Not As Scary As It Appears

Not As Scary As It Appears

CONGRESS, AZ #MiracleLog #Journaling #MyLove #Death #Soul … and Magical Reminders.

9:52 AM

My plan is to write or record entries for this journal in real-time (in either Ulysses or my phone’s voice recorder) then clean them up the next morning just prior to uploading them to the site. As I was adding links to yesterday’s post, I “coincidentally” (and I see powerful synchronicities such as this as evidence of TaoGodHer) stumbled across an old post called The Beloved from way back in 2010, less than six months after my awakening experience. The synchronicity, the evidence that I am on the right track, was the video at the bottom of that post (previously mentioned) Leona Lewis singing I See You in Avatar.

If you take that song, not as a song between two people, but a song of a devotee to their God, then it takes on a much deeper meaning.

Every morning I receive an email to renew my Vow of NonAbuse. I have my profile set this way because I like to be reminded of how I wish to be. I think I’ll set a little daily reminder for myself to also watch that video, I See You, since really, that too is how I wish to be.

We all need reminders. As I wrote to reader Phil this morning on a powerful spiritual experience he had:

But, and this is something I tell Michelle all the time: Don’t expect this to be a permanent experience (who can stay focused on one thing all their life?), but expect it to flow in and out of awareness. The less you hold onto it—ironically—the more stable it becomes.

Who can stay focused on one thing all their life? I sure as hell can’t. Which is why I need the reminders.

10:56 AM

Crap. I had thought to hold off on announcing this journaling project for a week (to better get the kinks worked out and be very, very sure I wanted to actually go forward with it), but when I uploaded yesterdays post a few minutes ago, it was immediately shared on Facebook and Google+ (via a WordPress plugin). Not my intention, but I see these sort of things as Her intention, so… so there it is.

12:07 PM

Walking down a dusty road, lost in thought but with that Avatar song playing in my head, I—completely beyond my control—turned left toward my rig and immediately felt a sharp, piercing sting on my big toe and looked down and saw I had stepped on a thorn which had gone right through my flip-flop just as Leona sang “I see you….”

Lost in thoughts. Sharp pain…

I see you.

I stopped and I smiled and as I pulled out the thorn, I pulled out my thoughts and I pulled out the portal/self-contraction and I saw Her everywhere—I felt Her everywhere

And it was beautiful and I felt blessed.

I see you.

A thorn in the toe to distract me from my thoughts and immerse me in the Divine. As I said above just two hours ago: I need these little reminders.

Note: The “completely beyond my control” thing occurs most often when the less there is of you inside provides space for TaoGodHer to fill in the gaps. Though I have numerous examples of this on my blog (this is a good one), you can see my student Michelle’s first public posting of a similar experience here. These experiences, this interactive intimacy with the Divine, is why I so often say,

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

1:17 PM

Oy. I just received this email from Michelle:

@your new blog…why do you expect to be dead in two years? Are you serious? Is it the money situation? An exercise in surrender?

I guess I had hoped to simply imply my intentions and be done with it, but I guessed wrong. Here’s the deal: When I run out of money, I’m offing myself.

There, that wasn’t so bad. And don’t go calling someone to have me committed either, or I’ll have to stop posting where my camps are.

I often find it funny that practically everyone I cross paths with, whether physically or virtually, has a higher regard for my life than I do.

I live. I die. I merge with Her. I get pulled out. I swear to do whatever it takes to merge with Her once again, and I come back. (See my book The Implications of the Soul).

I’ve done this a thousand times and will probably have to do it a thousand more before I get it right. It’s no big deal.

The Dalai Lama, who’s also big on reincarnation, once remarked on his inevitable demise,

I’m kind of looking forward to death. I want to see how I do.

My sentiments exactly. I’m in no hurry, but I’m not going to put up much of a fight either.

The contemplation of death though, is a key aspect of this phase of my life—of this practice. To really let go of the self—to truly merge with Heryou have to truly not care if you live or die. You have to let go of even the attachment to life.

Using my bank balance as an indicator of my time remaining on this planet is what I call The Gas Gauge of Life (or of Death depending on what I’m focusing on at the time). It was a key factor in my initial awakening. Why? Because I had given up. I had realized I was almost out of time and I gave up on trying to find enlightenment, when Bam! within days I met my Frog Master and the rest is history.

I recently quit my freelance programming position and, when NonAbusers met so much resistance with my readers, I pretty much said, “I’m done.” Meaning, “I’m done working. I’m done trying to convince anyone of my viewpoint. I’m done trying to make a difference. I’m done trying to extend my life. I am done.”

And dropping all those self-imposed burdens felt goooood.

It was eye-opening.

It led directly to the creation of this Journal.

As I said in the Introduction, I’ve got about two years of funds socked away, so there’s no imminent danger of this journal just suddenly coming to an end (though it might, even you don’t have as long to live as you probably hope).

So don’t worry. Two years is a long time for things to go right.

Important Note: DO NOT off yourself because of depression! There are plenty of resources to help with this. Depression is temporary and treatable. So get help, feel better and get on with your life. What I’m talking about above are quality of life issues—a whole different animal.

November 15, 2014

The Scorpion

The Scorpion

CONGRESS, AZ #Journaling #NoSelf #Soul #MyLove… and staring into a scorpion’s eyes.

12:32 PM

Having decided to go ahead with this experiment, I spent all of yesterday and this morning putting together the website, A Mystic’s Journal.

Ironically, the intense focus I experience when immersed in a project has taken me away from the very purpose of this exercise: To surrender what remains of my “self” to Her.

12:46 PM

Which got me thinking (of course), that the intense focus I just described is the unconscious version of the No-Self state (using Adyashanti’s terminology). No-Self is the experience of life without a sense of a self. Pretty much everyone experiences No-Self unconsciously at various points in their lives—while lost in a great movie or book, creating a piece of artwork, a session of intense writing, …—they just aren’t aware of the oddity of their “self” not being there while it is happening.

Conversely, being aware of “not being there” while things are experienced is exactly what the No Self state is (at least in the few times I’ve experienced it).

3:46 PM

After lunch I filled my pipe with tobacco and my mug with coffee and walked out into the desert and stumbled across a scorpion sitting on a water meter used to measure the underground water table or something.

I sat down next to him and we entered into a staring contest (which—with his beady little eyelid-less eyes—he easily won) . As his reward, I took his portrait while he acted all macho and stuff, silently wished him well, felt blessed and grateful for the experience, and continued my walk out into the desert.

Five years ago, I was living as a Soul when I had my awakening experience. Now, with a limited lifespan before me, my desire is to clear as many knots (conditioned reactions and habits) as possible which stand between My Love and I. The deep and serious contemplation of my inevitable death worked once before in expanding my consciousness, so maybe living as a Soul will work again.

Like Meister Eckhart and Saint Teresa of Ávila, I hope to immerse myself in the Divine and reveal any hardness which is still left of this annoying me-thing. In so doing—in seeing and feeling these “me-me-me” contractions—I hope to eventually relax and release them. My goal is that when I do die, I will have fewer attachments to this mortal life—attachments which will involuntarily tear me apart from Her once we merge (my belief is that each of us merges with Her/God/the Light upon our deaths, but our attachments—our desires for something “other”—make this beautiful co-existence only a fleeting experience).

From Fading Toward Enlightenment:

Under the moon on that clear night, both frightened and amazed, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Back,” I said, and my whole life changed forever.

Wholeness. Contentment. Joy and Bliss. Awareness without an Other. Love radiating outward into itself. No beginnings, no endings. No births or deaths. To Life, there is no opposite.

From the Stillness, a subtle tug, a tiny ripple on the empty ocean. A single twitch, a little pull and suddenly there were Two.

Ripped apart by desires unknown. She, the World and I, me. No longer One, we now were Two. It’s all my fault… Forgive me.

Yeah, it sucks, but that merging is what I see as the purpose of my life, or at least, this phase of my life (assuming I survive it). As Leona Lewis sings in Avatar, “Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.” Meister Eckhart or St. Teresa could have written those exact words.

Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.

And so this journal will be used to record my progress on just that: The immersion of this me-thing into the Light.

I’m sorry for all the odd terminology and links. I’ve been a Mystic for over five years now and in that time—and by necessity—have developed a vocabulary all my own. Lots of vast and varied experiences, all documented (and thus linkable). So don’t sweat the vocabulary. Just like the readers of my previous blog, you’ll pick up the language soon enough.