12/21/2014: Spiritual Practice and the Distractions of Normal Life

Lone Wave on a Still Sea

Lone Wave on a Still Sea

VERO BEACH, FL — #VanDwelling #FourthWall

10:25 AM

I was reading through some of the older posts of this journal, and what amazes me is just how difficult it is to remember to practice while living a Normal Life. I’ve long had the core practices down (EternalRadianceEmptiness) but it is the subtler practices which are tricky to remember. To practice surrendering and merging, to practice the Archetypes, to practice dying before dying, ….

Normal Life just has so many things to distract the mind—to distract the attention. How is one supposed to grow spiritually with all this noise?

The more time I spend in Normal Life, the more convinced I become that solitude is the way to grow, while Normal Life is the way to integrate

Something to be said for monasteries… or that spiritual mobile community idea.

Deep spiritual development is definitely more conducive to the nomadic lifestyle since you can switch between Normal Life and Solitude at will and as needed.

[Addressing the Fourth WallI’m sure you could do something similar in a fixed-positional dwelling (read normal home) if you had the right job (online, retired, or wealthy) and understanding friends and family (“I’m currently in solitude-mode. Please do not disturb me.”). This might sound odd to them at first, but think, “She’s just being Phoebe,” and maybe it could be do-able.

12/20/2014: A Road Trip and a Resolution

Egrets on the Hunt

Egrets on the Hunt

VALKARIA, FL — #VanDwelling

10:04 AM

I sit in the van, watching the ducks, grebes, and other waterfowl float upon the quiet and still Indian River. Even though cars and trucks pass by not 20 feet from the van, it’s still quite pleasant here. With no appointments on the agenda nor pressing tasks to help out with, I headed out after breakfast to idly explore the area for a day or two.

It’s moments like these that I am so appreciative of the freedom that van dwelling provides: No plan, no destination, no reservations, no concerns… and a home wherever I go.

I had an odd thought last night as I lay in bed: If the world only had a thousand people in it, the news outlets (TV, print, online) would still be filled with violence and tragedy and misery. The news media would still make the world appear like it was a horrible place to live.

Thinking back, I have personally witnessed less than a handful of newsworthy violent events over the course of my entire life. I see three times that many in a single night of watching the news.

With only a thousand people on this planet, the news would still be filled with violence.

The news is a massive exaggeration of Reality. Even with only a thousand people on the planet, Man would still do unspeakable horrors to his fellow Man. Society will always have violence, but I so rarely see or experience this violence first-hand that it’s not worth my time, psychic energy, or inner peace. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand, but I do want to be realistic. The news is not a realistic view of Reality.

My New Year’s Resolution: No intentional news consumption.

I’ll get my bad news the old fashioned way: Word of mouth.

December 19, 2014

Wind Chimes on the Patio

Wind Chimes on the Patio

MELBOURNE, FL #LivingIt #FourthWall … and Relationships and the Dance of Life.

10:15 AM

(Stepping outside the journal and addressing the Fourth Wall.)

I don’t want my previous post to be too dissuasive of deep spiritual growth—that the life of a Mystic dooms one to a solitary existence.

Once a loved one becomes “acclimated” to your quirks—presence, vocabulary, and most importantly, your values—the relationship will settle down to a more comfortable level. Your friends and loved ones will learn to either accept your unique behavior and opinions—or they will simply avoid the relationship. Think Phoebe on the show Friends—she doesn’t get asked to explain herself all the time, to her friends she’s “just Phoebe.”

No, the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is a symptom of new relationships (and I consider dropping in on parents whom you normally don’t spend a lot of time with, a “new” relationship).

Nothing to be too concerned with. The cost is definitely worth the benefits of a deep intimacy with the Divine.

11:55 AM

I sat on the patio, eating a slice of pizza, mesmerized and awed by an intricate and delicate dance. A small cluster of gnat-sized insects—who were completely invisible and unknown just moments before—were suddenly illuminated by the sun peeking through the clouds, lit up and aglow, rendered visible by a dark and manicured hedge. They swirled and circled and spun about, intimately aware of each other, intimately joined in a complex three dimensional flowing celebration of life—a celebration of each other. There is a magic in the dance of animals, the beauty of the movements and patterns of an ageless and mysterious ritual.

Instinct? Of course it is, but to name something is not the same as explaining it… not the same as understanding it.

To know how to dance without being taught, to know how to interpret and interact with the movements of a thousand other partners simultaneously and spontaneously…. Instinct? Knowledge somehow encoded and separated and combined in seed and egg and passed on through genes and DNA sequencing? To know how to swirl and to fly and to shift in a three dimensional unified manner, a dance that is completely unique in its shifting patterns?

Man is capable of duplicating the DNA of other life forms, but when placed on a slide, the glob of DNA just sits there. It is only when the DNA is inserted into a living cell that it grows and reproduces and thrives.

Are we just the results of some random evolutionary programming? I think not. Our bodies are just the machine, the physical burka we must all wear, but we are so much more than just a physical shell.

The tiny gnat-like creatures swirled and danced and celebrated. They are aware of each other—of their place in the Dance. The Light archetype—the Love archetype—moves and shines and sees through them. It brings life to them all.

The dance of Life is magic. The dance of Life is evidence of the Divine—evidence of an Intelligence silently and lovingly working behind the scenes of the physical realm we find ourselves in.

And of this dance? Oh, I am so awed and deeply grateful.

December 18, 2014

The Palm and the Water

The Palm and the Water

MELBOURNE, FL #Soul … and Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome

7:53 AM

I think I need an elevator speech, a 10 second blurb on how I see things differently than most. I could use it to remind friends and family of my bizarre thoughts and actions and to explain myself when meeting new people.

Something along the lines of…

I see myself as an eternal being who comes back again and again. I try my best to live this way.

Obviously this is only a partial truth—as Radiance I experience my self as Light/Love, as Emptiness as a boundless vastness, as Mystical Oneness as a movement between these states—but from a practical sense, the Eternal quality is the most visible to the general population. It is what sets my values (things that are important to me) apart from others… and these odd (to most) values are what inspire my odd (to most) actions and opinions.

8:20 AM

The thought above was inspired because, after watching the season finale of Survivor last night (I love that show), I told Mom that I wouldn’t be by in the morning (I often have breakfast and dinner with her). When I awoke this morning—knowing I had the morning free to do as I wish—I did not feel the typical pre-contraction, a kind of anticipated contraction when foreseeing having to explain myself.

While I knew I was going to be around people (Panera Bread for breakfast and coffee), I knew I wasn’t going to have to explain my opinions to Mom about whatever was happening on the news or what was going on in my mind or what problems she was concerned about.

This Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome has nothing to do with Mom, but is—I suspect—a condition that affects practically all deeply spiritual people when in conversation with others.

The CEY Syndrome seems to occur because what is important to most people (Mortal level stuff) isn’t particularly important to the Mystic, but, what is important to the Mystic (Eternal and Radiance stuff in particular) seems odd and mysterious—interesting and worth talking about—to most other people.

Normally, when two people have vastly different values, they just don’t converse (think a racist and a minority, or a fundamentalist and an atheist), but when it comes to a Mystic, you have everything in common with them: The recognized Mortal stuff plus a whole lot of other vague-but-interesting stuff (living forever and selfless Love). Stuff that they are only intuitively aware of, but are aware of and curious of nonetheless. Because of our shared basic nature (we all have Mortal qualities and flaws), you have plenty to converse about (news, appointments, dinner plans, …) but the Mystic’s Eternal quality (the most visible) and its big-picture-perspective-of-events, leads to the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome.

So I think the elevator speech—in this case acting as a reminder—may help here….

I feel deep pain—personal pain—for the murder of all those Pakistani children, but I also know they are free of the tumultuous and violent life they seemed destined to live and can now choose another.

Which is still too complex, damn it, because it implies and leads to deeper conversations of all the deeper levels that I instantly feel and understand but are so very very hard to explain (the Syndrome). This is the same knowledge and meaning everyone intuitively knows in their hearts but can’t explain in their minds and so they naturally look to the Mystic (who seems to have it all figured out) to explain it to them.

Shit. Maybe the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is just a fact of life for the Mystic. Maybe we’re doomed to it. I know it’s one of the big reasons I seek solitude so much.

10:10 AM

Maybe we’re doomed to it. I know it’s one of the big reasons I seek solitude so much.

Maybe the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is the reason I feel so compelled to write a book on this stuff… on the Mystic’s perspective. To explain myself and be done with it.

(Not a bad title either, The Mystic’s Perspective).

December 17, 2014

Jeff's Plane

Jeff’s Plane

MELBOURNE, FL #NoSelf … and simpler and lighter and purer.

1:44 PM

Yesterday was pretty uneventful (as has been today so far). I pretty much waited around most of the day for a guy to replace the garage door at my parents’ condo (he didn’t) and burned the last of some DVDs (I did).

Today I cleaned out my old travel trailer—donating a few bags of clothes and office supplies to Goodwill. I just need to sign off on the title and I’ll be free of it. As I release more and more (stuff and identity), my life naturally becomes simpler and lighter and purer. I like it that way. It’s somehow cleaner—more authentic. Probably a lesson in there somewhere—something about possessions and the possessed.

Not much else going on. It has become clear that when I’m actively doing something—when the mind is focuses on a project—the me-thing disappears. I’m sure that’s the same with everyone. It is only when we have a moment of introspection—the turning inward of consciousness—that the self re-appears. Probably a lesson in there somewhere also—something to do with the temporary nature of the self.

December 15, 2014

Personal Printer Problems In Panera

Personal Printer Problems In Panera

MELBOURNE, FL #Remember #Radiance #LivingIt … and desire.

9:56 AM

I realized this morning that I have very little desire. This may sound horrible, but in reality, the experience of it is quite peaceful.

It’s not a mental thing, or game or philosophy. It’s reality. It’s what I experience. It’s peaceful and calm and still below all those waves of desire.

Lots of good stuff comes from desire (babies, works of art, commerce), but desire is also the source of all abuse and intentional violence. Yin and yang.

I seem to have so little desire because most of my consciousness is directed outward (to use Adya’s terminology). It radiates outward. It is the Light Archetype.

Reading that again and thinking of “me” as a movement, I guess I should say (and more importantly think) that I/self mostly radiate outward more than I/self contract inward.

Desire seems to comes from the inward movement of consciousness, the Dark Archetype, the me-thing.

This is not an either/or concept though. Not black or white. More like a percentage thing. Shades of grey.

Less of the Dark means more of the Light.

And vice versa.

… insight …

The me-thing contraction occurs because of desire.

I should #Remember this.

10:21 AM

Continuing on the insight that desire causes the contraction…

In Zen, they often try to quiet the mind in order to realize enlightenment. This is back-assward. The quiet mind (relatively speaking) comes as a result of enlightenment—the still(er) mind is a symptom of enlightenment.

Ending or stilling desire won’t lead to Radiance or an outward flow of consciousness—fewer desires are a symptom of Radiance—so it is futile to try to still desires.

Desires naturally quiet and still as we shift from the Darker me-thing (inward flow) to the Lighter Radiant movement (outward flowing Love/Light).

But the benefit of realizing that the me-thing contraction is caused by desire is that when we feel the contraction, we can use it as a reminder of what we are desiring or clinging to right that second.

10:44 AM

A perfect example just occurred (of course): Right this second I am sitting in a little room in a Panera Bread and apparently this is used by regulars as a sort of office. A couple of these regulars are talking loudly back and forth across the room and I’m feeling contracted and hard.

The contraction tells me that “I” am moving inward because I desire them to respect my presence here and be quiet (me-me-me-me-ME). Recognizing this, I can consciously shift to the outward flowing movement and their loud conversation no longer bothers me.

I did not try to release or quiet or overcome the desire (I’m not “wrestling with my demons”), I simply shifted the “me” flow of consciousness from inward contraction to outward Radiance and the desire (and me-contraction) naturally faded.

It’s not much, but it’s certainly evidence that supports what I wrote in the entry above:

  • The me-thing occurs because of desire
  • Shifting the direction of consciousness (from inward to outward) eases desire/suffering

December 14, 2014

Blogging While Burning DVDs

Blogging While Burning DVDs

MELBOURNE, FL #VanDwelling #Radiance #NoSelf … and spiritual community and rational mysticism.

9:37 AM

I’m taking the day “mostly off” from family obligations, though I will be having dinner with Mom later. I do think that a life filled with social contact is not conducive to spiritual growth and development: Too many distractions; too many beliefs by others pushed upon us as truths; too much energy spent defending and discussing our beliefs; too much conflict; too much social preparation; too much confusionNone of these are factors while in solitude.

Still, social contact is important for the application (lived aspect) and shoring up of our spiritual development.

One of the things that some full-time RV’ers do when they hang out together is to place a flag outside their rig to indicate to others if—at the moment—they are open to socializing or not.

I think I’d do something similar if I were to hold spiritual retreats or start a spiritual community/commune. Just like in isolation, there wouldn’t be any set schedule or classes. No fixed periods of silence or meditation. Everyone is free to do what they want but must respect each other’s “in solitude flag” (ie: wearing a yellow shirt or something). This way people can still reap the benefits of solitude (meditation, contemplation, communion with nature, …) AND the benefits of a group of like-minded seekers (safety concerns, dialog, shared meals and resources, …).

Maybe a morning or evening, come-if-you-want community discussion/sharing/gathering to act as an anchor (something many communal RV-er’s also do).

1:26 PM

In Resurrecting Jesus, Adya describes self as…

…the act of consciousness turning back upon itself and reflecting within. That self-reflection is what self is. Self is not a thing; it’s literally the act of consciousness turning back and looking within.

And then…

…by the time self begins to fall away, your sense of self is radiant.

One of the reason I am drawn to exploring spirituality first hand and finding out experientially (rather than just reading about it) is to develop a deep sense of knowing (not just belief). For years I’ve been describing Radiance as an outward flowing Love and Light and the me-thing as an inward flowing contraction.

When I run across evidence—previously unknown to me—that supports my findings, it adds an incredible feeling of truth to my theories and experiences. I’m not talking about truth to convince my readersbut truth to convince and ease any doubts inside of meUnexpected evidence that I stumble across (mysteriously often I might add), helps these experiences go from feeling like belief and theories into something that feels more like fact and truth.

Adya’s description of self—though he uses different terminology—is practically identical to my experiences (which I’ve documented for years) of outward flowing Radiance and the inward flowing contraction of the me-thing.

Though we’ve come at it from two different directions and backgrounds, we’ve arrived at the same conclusions. This is powerful evidence.

If you’re going to be a mystic, be a rational one.

PS: What I find particularly useful about his description of self is that he focuses on it as a movement rather than (as I am wont to do) as a entity. Focusing on self as a movement helps de-personalize it.

December 13, 2014

Flying in a Tiny Plane

Flying in a Tiny Plane

MELBOURNE, FL #LivingIt … and flying and the lack of contraction.

4:14 PM

My brother Jeff came up for an overnight visit. He said he’d like my travel trailer, so I’ll sign that over to him and be rid of it. I’ll donate the clothes and personal stuff that I had stored in it when I hit the road in Serenity last year.

I also got he and Mom to sit down and discuss Mom and Dad’s future living arrangements and to address her concerns. Though no firm plan is in place, at least we have a general plan (they will live close to each other after Jeff retires in July) and any contingencies worked out. Hopefully that will help ease Mom’s mind.

Before Jeff flew back to Coral Springs, we went for a flight in his little plane. It’s very cool to see the world from this perspective.

Nothing much to report on the spiritual front except that being around family hasn’t contracted me to the point of the ego/personal self. There’s mostly just this thing thinking and functioning (still a Self) but no egoic contraction—something I would often involuntarily revert to in the first few years after the initial awakening. Family is the toughest test of your spiritual development, so this no-contraction is a very positive sign.

December 11, 2014

Writing This Post

Writing This Post

MELBOURNE, FL #MyLove … and Mom

1:43 PM

This morning, after coffee and an english muffin with Mom, I found myself getting ready to head out. Mom asked why I was going and I replied how I just do what She tells me to do but it isn’t as if I hear God say, “Wayne, goeth thee out and part the Red Sea and smite the godless heathens and doeth righteous deeds and be blessed” or anything like that. I just find myself doing stuff before I even realize I’m doing it.

One thing I have noticed a lot lately is that it is exhausting constantly explaining myself. People always want to know why I do the weird things I do or think the weird things I think or feel the weird things I feel. I use to always have reasons for all my decisions or feelings or actions, but now I usually don’t have any reasons—at least any I can explain. You want to answer them, you don’t want to be rude or enigmatic or silent, but the duplex personality is almost like having a whole new set of sense organsHow do you explain the color fizule to someone who’s never seen fizule colored stuff before? It’s frustrating.

I signed up for health insurance today. Ended up going with a Blue Cross/Blue Shield plan. I had to play around with my expected income for next year to get it to accept me (yes, the Government rewards the precognitive). I figure I’ll earn next to nothing but I didn’t want to jump through the Medicaid hoops and I wanted a company that offered nationwide coverage to cover my nationwide nature. I’ll probably never use it but I went with a Silver level plan so I wouldn’t have to fork over a $6,000 deductible before getting any coverage (a common feature of the Bronze plans), so I’m paying about $11 a month and shouldn’t have to kill myself just because I break an arm or pass a kidney stone or get struck by lightning or wreck a motorcycle or am attacked by a sneaky ninja shark or a protective maternal alligator or a seriously big but very dumb barracuda or an entire pack of seemingly cognizant and evil waterspouts or blow a hole in my hand with a firecracker (the firecracker was just plain stupidity so that’s not likely to happen again). Wise men really do have scars.

As I was telling Mom last night, I don’t have any plans for my future. Right now, I’m just in growth mode and I have no interest in teaching or spiritual dialog or making an income or selling my books or my photos or extending my lifespan. This frustrates my mother to no end (yes, I am a 53 year old man who still can’t please his mother) who wants me to have a “plan for my future”, who wants me to “teach” and to “not give up on them” and to “be around people more” and to “sell my photos” and to “stop being selfish” and that the Gas Gauge of Death “just seems like quitting” so I say, “This is just a growth phase” and I stress the word phase and I imply that things may very well change (and they very well may change) but the truth of the matter is I have no clue if they will or not—nor do I care if they will or not—but the word phase seems to soothe her fears so I’m going to keep using it around her.

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness. I am the Eternal Loving Awareness. I am the Eternal Loving Awareness….”

December 10, 2014

Behind The Projection Room Door

Behind The Projection Room Door

MELBOURNE, FL #Technique #Death #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #NoSelf … and the wisdom of complete and utter failure.

8:38 AM

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

The Eternal Loving Awareness… I know that this is what I am—what everyone is—but how do you take it from knowing to being?

I’m not interested in theories—I’ve heard them all. I’m interested in evidence.

What evidence do I have? What experiences have changed my being in the past?



My initial awakening.

Though I knew everything I needed to know (“You are just thoughts. If you can experience it, it isn’t you.”) it didn’t become a part of my being until…



… until I gave everything I had (“I’ll sit here until that damn frog moves.”)…

… and I failed.

(“How can the frog sit so peacefully for so long and I can’t? The frog has no thoughts. What are these thoughts that are driving me crazy? What am I but a bunch of thoughts? …”)

The lived experience and the failure made the theories real (“I am not these thoughts. Thoughts are just noise inside of me. ‘Wayne Wirs’ is just a bunch of inner noise.”).

The scars of the failure (“The smart have their books, the wise have their scars.”) changed my very being.

(Re-reading what I just wrote.)

Dare I say, the emotional scars of my failure? I was on the Gas Gauge of Death. I was going to kill myself in a few months. I was giving it my all to get as far as I could in this life in preparation for my next and I still failed.

My failure (failure at finding enlightenment, failure at even beating a stupid frog at a meditation challenge) was a huge blow to my ego.

It broke me.

That failure, that blow to my ego, shattered the ‘Wayne Wirs’ story—the personal self. It destroyed the belief that I was my history, my past, my roles (“I am such a smart guy”) and my thoughts (“I know it all”). That failure destroyed “me” and it humbled what was left. That failure broke me.

So back to the original questions:

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

What I knowI am the Eternal (Soul) Loving (Radiance) Awareness (Emptiness).

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. I must constantly remember this. “I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.” I must meditate on it. I must repeat it and contemplate it constantly until the thought becomes embedded into my subconsciousness like the song I See You is stuck in my head.
  2. I must constantly apply it. I must attempt to live as the Eternal Loving Awareness… No. That’s wrong—I must not attempt to be it, I must reveal it. While going about my day-to-day life, I must be consistently aware of what I am—and have always been as far back as I can remember—the constant and unchanged thing that I really am: The Eternal Loving Awareness1.
  3. and I must learn from my failures (scars). Why did I fail? What is it that is pulling me away from the Eternal (“constant and unchanging…”) Loving Awareness (“…thing that I really am”)?

How do I change my heart? How do I change my very being?

The answer, ironically, is that I must break what is already broken—what is already flawed: I must break the me-thing.

The smart have their books and the wise have their scars and the less there is of identifying with the me-thing the more there is of the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. The constant, unchanged thing that I really am, is what Adyashanti calls the eternal still point within you