December 9, 2014

Crows Alight

Crows Alight

MELBOURNE, FL #MiracleLog #VanDwelling … and the regular occurrences of the bizarrely unlikely.

9:37 AM

I’m sitting in a Barnes & Noble and just a moment ago, when I went to the counter to pay for some Christmas cards, the cashier said, “Do you have a Barnes…?” and just then all the lights flickered and I said, “No” and he said, “Man, that was weird. All the registers and lights just blinked out except this one” and I said, “Stuff like this happens to me all the time” and he said, “You’re one lucky dude because all the other registers are reseting and it will take them like five minutes but this one is fine” and I said, “Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m serious, this stuff happens to me all the time” and I sat down in the cafe to document it here because this sort of stuff does happen all the time, so much so that I’ll forget about it otherwise because the bizarrely unlikely is such a regular occurrence in my life that I simply don’t think about it much anymore.

3:33 PM

I’ve parked the van in the sun to absorb some vital e-juice. It’s been overcast for the last week and my battery bank was down to 65%. I’m up to 85% now and if tomorrow is sunny, I should be able to top it off. The park is infested with both crows and flies and while the crows tend to stay outside the rig, the flies don’t. I try never to kill anything, so I chased them out (the flies) by whipping a towel around like a cowboy with his lasso, herding them out the windows and door. It worked surprisingly well.

Earlier today we had a meeting with the staff about Dad’s progress in the rehab center. He’s doing well and improving and isn’t driving them too crazy yet but it doesn’t look like they’ll let him out of there until around Christmas.

Some condo commandos decided they don’t like my van, so I’m officially banned from parking there at night. People who live outside the box often appear frightening or sinister to the masses who live inside boxes. I think that’s a one-way street though, as the inside-the-boxers don’t appear frightening or sinister to those on the outside. Probably a spiritual message in there somewhere. The management, upon hearing why I was there, did offer me an out-of-the-way spot where the RV’s are parked (for free even), so there’s that.

December 8, 2014

Results of the Day

Results of the Day

MELBOURNE, FL #NoSelf … and living between two worlds.

9:59 AM

Had breakfast with Mom and we discussed Dad and Happiness and Death and The Future and her Concerns. When you get old, it seems that the most important things in one’s life are The Challenges of Living, Fixing Your Body, The Past, and Loved Ones.

I almost never think about these things, so it is challenging discussing them.

It is especially challenging since all these Important Things are Mortal realm material and my current practice is to live from the LightI’m conflicted because I’m not always sure that Light advice/conversation is appropriate.

It’s a delicate business living between two worlds.

December 7, 2014



MELBOURNE, FL #Surrender #Death … and a photo of Veronica

12:17 PM

I was surprised to find that Dad wasn’t staying at home with Mom, but is in a rehab center. I had thought he was just going to rehab on an appointment basis to get his strength back. Spent the remainder of yesterday catching up with Mom on the state of affairs, etc., slept in the van, got organized, and evaluated my travel trailer. Saw Dad this morning and he seemed in a good mental state, though still not able to walk on his own (bad heart valve + 1.5 lungs + pneumonia recovery = weak state). Football today so he’s happy.

Adyashanti mentions in his book that the reason the trials and tribulations phase takes place for the awakened is because we often deal with situations from the Mortal level (out of habit or lack of faith) rather from the Eternal level. I can see this Florida visit is going to be a challenge—not because of a lack of faith, but just because of conditioned (Mortal level) reactions. This is not a bad thing, the challenge will make the Light Archetype stronger and more habitual.

8:32 PM

I’ve about got my Mom convinced that my Gas-Gauge-Of-Death idea makes perfect sense—well, at least the conversations haven’t gone too poorly. It really is an excellent practice: You’ve got about two years left to live and are in near perfect health. What will you do with your time remaining? I only wish there was a way of making Death more real to most spiritual seekers. Isn’t that odd? Our own demise doesn’t seem real enough to warrant a deep investigation.

December 6, 2014

Drowsy Lifeguard

Drowsy Lifeguard

MELBOURNE, FL #VanDwelling #NoSelf … and beach towns.

10:41 AM

I’ve hit the official east coast of Florida and am currently pitstopped in Ormond Beach. I’m surprised that it is so empty here, even though it is a Saturday and the weather is really pleasant. I guess this is still Spring Break seasonal territory and not the typical Thanksgiving to Easter season of the Florida further south.

Free parking, free beaches, free showers… I could see this being a van dweller’s paradise.

I should hit the folks place this afternoon, so this will be a short post as I doubt I’ll have time later.

They say spending time with family is the true test of spiritual development. I honestly don’t foresee that as a problem (though it used to be a biggie).

I’ll know soon enough.

1:03 PM

While driving, I realized something: I was happy. Happier than I can ever remember. What is odd is that there is no reason for this happiness. I’m happier than the one time I was engaged (because it was countered with fear). Happier than when I first woke up (because I was so disoriented from the new “territory”).

I’m just happy. Not because of anything. It is happiness without any object. It’s pure.

I’m sure it has to do with the Archetypes—with the engulfing of the Dark (self) by the Light (Love).

I’ve also realized that I haven’t judged anyone in the last few days. Even the criticism I mentioned yesterday wasn’t met with judgement of the criticizers, just curiosity. This lack of mental judging hasn’t been because I have been focusing on it or anything, my mind just hasn’t been doing it. It was a complete surprise when I realized this.

3:23 PM

Well my no-judgements run didn’t last long. I had stopped in at Wickham Park (where I used to stay when visiting the folks) to see if a friend I knew was still living/camping there. She had always been pretty down on her luck so I figured if I saw her, I’d give her my old travel trailer. She wasn’t, but as soon as I stepped out of my rig, I stepped into a big pile of dog poo. I’m afraid I was a bit judgmental on the unknown dog’s owner.

Stopped in at the nearby Walmart and got a new pair of sandals (the old one’s weren’t worth trying to clean out all those cracks and crevices).

Alright. Off to the folks place.

December 5, 2014

Oaks and Spanish Moss

Oaks and Spanish Moss

OCALA, FL #Journaling #NoSelf … and the right track.

7:05 AM

I’m getting a lot of feedback (some blog comments but mostly emails) about all the things I am doing wrong. They are so sure of themselves, yet they offer no evidence (I’m a rational mystic, not a gullible one). They give me all this unsolicited advice that doesn’t seem to be based on any facts. It’s almost as if what I am doing is frightening to them—to something inside of them.

Yet what I am doing seems to be working—working far beyond my expectations (all the profound insights, synchronistic experiences and spiritual growth just from one short month of doing this “experiment”). Still, regardless of all this evidence I’ve been posting, the advice I’m receiving is saying, “Don’t do it that way. Do it my way. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong.”

How odd. It has got to have something to do with the Archetypes: My seeing the Ego/Self-centered archetype as Dark and the Love/Selflessness as Light and then dissolving the Dark into the Light. Gotta be something like that. I can see how this practice should be scary to the Darkness within me (oddly it isn’t), but far more strangely, my practice—my doing this—seems to scare the Darkness within them.

How odd.

I think it means I must be on the right track.

9:36 AM

I stood in the doorway, drinking my morning coffee, looking out over the woods and as I expanded and lifted the Darkness/contraction away I enfolded it into the Light and the Darkness offered no resistance and I felt at once both empty and whole and so deeply entwined with the trees and the earth and the brush and the sky and I was happy. On the last gulp of coffee some grounds filled my mouth (something that usually irks me) and even this had no affect on my joy—on how vitally alive and connected I felt.

Yes, I am on the right track.

December 4, 2014

A Simpler Way of Life

A Simpler Way of Life

WILDLIFE MURDER AREA, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FL #MiracleLog #Technique #Radiance #NoSelf … and the blank slate experience.

6:41 AM

In order to reveal the eternal impersonal Love/Light, what I was doing last night was to practice what I tell Michelle to practice: Pull away the portal/ego contraction and drop it.

I’m feeling this isn’t the proper technique for post-awakening though. Post awakening is to love the Dark entity (portal/ego/Devil), not to drop it.

I think that was why She provided the archetype/entities insight recently.

Pre-awakening, I stand behind the dropping of the portal/ego. Synchronistically (of course), this is supported by the Adyashanti book I’m reading (which I didn’t find until after the insight into the archetype entities): Jesus didn’t try to love and integrate the Devil at the end of his 40 day fast, Jesus was in battle with him. Pre-crucified Jesus was in constant conflict with his Devil and society and religious leaders. That conflict strengthened his awakening.

Adyashanti calls this the trials and tribulations phase of the awakening process, not just because of the Jesus story, but because he’s seen it repeatedly with members of his audience. Long time followers of my blogs know I go though these trials and tribulations all the time, so I’m inclined to believe this is the norm, not the exception. This may not be the enlightenment as put forth by the stage-presence-as-a-permanent-fixture of most of today’s spiritual teachers. No, the evidence seems to support the conflict-to-make-our-awakening-stronger theory is both true and is an expected and necessary part of the awakening process.

So pre-awakening, pull that sucker (ego contraction) away and drop it. Constantly repeating this will make your Radiance/Emptiness qualities stronger and the whole process easier as time goes on.

8:11 AM

I sit in the van’s doorway and eat my breakfast while gazing out at the river and contemplating how amazing the “coincidence” is that She’s guided me back to Florida—to family and society—at the exact time that I need it. I started this journal because I felt the need for change, then days later—even though I hadn’t come up with a clear plan or practice for that change—She pushed me to Florida knowing I’d get it all worked out before then.


I can’t just think about this stuff, I have to live it. All the theory in the world is just vapor-ware until it is applied.

The timing was perfect. The theory and practices (integrating the “entities,” using contracted feelings as a guide) had been put into place just days before hitting the home front (probably Saturday, two days from now).

What you need, when you need it. More evidence of the Divine.

3:23 PM

I’ve stopped in either a wildlife “management” (read “murder”) area or a conservation area depending on which map you read. Having mysteriously lost an hour of my life due to some buggy time glitch they have around here, I decided to call it a day before I lost even more.

The drive along the Emerald Coast of Florida is really beautiful. The area around Apalachicola reminds me of the Florida Keys of my youth (before everyone moved there). Lots of ocean/bay views, old clapboard houses, a laid back tourist vibe without the selling out to commercialism that is so common to tourist towns these days. Friendly people. I like this area.

On the drive, I was practicing loving the Dark Archetype (as mentioned above), but that was feeling too forced. What seemed to work best was to pull the portal/Darkness/me-thing away (a la Radiance practice) and then enfolding it in the Light Archetype—sort of like hugging it. That felt both easier and more natural. I’m sure it is some sort of shadow work, but for archetypes rather than personal repressed unconscious material (what shadow work usually addresses). Whatever. It works and leaves me feeling open and free and oddly happy-blank-slate-ish—like any personality could be imprinted onto… onto… damn, isn’t that weird? Onto this something.

How cool is that? It’s almost like a psychic/spiritual/personality erasing. There is something there—something similar to a blank slate—but I don’t know what it is. What are you when you erase you?

December 3, 2014

The Boat Ramp

The Boat Ramp

E OF PORT ST JOE, FL #Remember #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #VanDwelling … and what is left when you leave.

6:57 AM

I awoke to this thought, something very simple, but something I often overlook:

  1. Sometimes something appears to happen TO me.
  2. That same something sometimes appears to happen OUTSIDE of me.
  3. That same something sometimes appears to happen INSIDE of me.

#1 feels personal. It happens when I’m caught in the illusion of me. It often causes emotional pain.

#2 and #3 happen when I’m not lost. They are impersonal. They happen from the Witness perspective (#2) or from the boundary-less Emptiness state (#3). Often they happen at the same time.

When I feel #1, when I feel something is happening to me, I want to remember this. I want to use it as a reminder that the “me” is an illusion—that I’m taking the me-thing too seriously.

8:13 AM

It seems that my practice now is similar to what I teach about living as a Soul, but from the other side of awakening. I’m not sure of the difference yet. It feels different—but I’m not sure exactly what the difference is. Maybe it has something to do with knowing I’m eternal (post-awakening) rather than the pre-awakening practice of convincing myself of it through research and playing with it?

It’s similar to the way Radiance feels different between pre- and post-awakening. Pre-awakening Radiance feels like you are the portal (the ego contraction) and the Light is other. Post-awakening Radiance feels like you are the Light and the portal/ego is other.

8:49 AM

Hmm. I was just proof-reading the above. Post-awakened Soul (eternal) + post awakened Radiance (Love/Light) + Emptiness (Self minus me) = The eternal impersonal Love/Light.

It’s not No-Thing as most of today’s nondualists/nihilists would suggest. It’s No-Self.

To live as the eternal impersonal Love/Light.

That clarifies things. That’s my practice. I need to remember this.

Theories are wonderful and easy. Application, not so much.

2:36 PM

After driving for a bit, I made camp at a boat ramp outside Port St. Joe. I don’t think you’re officially allowed to camp here, but boat ramps are places where vehicles are left unattended all the time (while their owners are out boating), so they make good stealth camping spots as long as your rig looks like it could carry a canoe or kayak on it (ie: a roof rack). Regardless, I’ve never been bothered at one. Hell, I’ve never even seen any BRPPs (boat ramp parking police).

On the live as the eternal impersonal Love/Light: I don’t want readers to think that I intend to try to act this way. No. What I mean is that when you remove the me-me-me-thing as completely as possible, the eternal impersonal Love/Light is what is left. My practice is to self-monitor (when I remember) and when not feeling the Love/Light, to see what mistaken assumption (the me-thing) is blocking it.

I sometimes get comments and emails from readers who say, “We’re already enlightened|awake|no-self|… so there’s nothing you need to do.” I don’t agree with this. This misunderstanding is quite common, so much so that Ken Wilbur came up with a term for it, the Pre/Trans Fallacy. Thinking you’re already enlightened doesn’t mean you experience the enlightened no-boundaries state. For example, an infant may experience “oceanic” oneness but this isn’t the same as unity consciousness since the infant doesn’t know how oneness is different from separation since it hasn’t experience separation yet.

My point is that just because the eternal impersonal Love/Light is really what we all are, it doesn’t mean that this is the way we experience life. We can’t experience ourselves as the eternal impersonal Love/Light when the ego/identity blocks the view.

3:14 PM

The mystery truck just drove by my rig, circled the lot and drove off. Right on time too.

December 2, 2014

The Fence's Fading Light

The Fence’s Fading Light

PENSACOLA BEACH, FL #MiracleLog #NoSelf #Remember … and clunky human nature.

9:10 AM

Reading Adya’s Resurrecting Jesus has helped me realize what has been going on with me lately. Once again She has come through and provided just the help I needed, right when I needed it: Adya’s interpretation of the Jesus story as an example of spiritual awakening.

When I first came across Adya’s concept of No-Self, I thought, “Why bother?” Practically everyone else in the course was all, “Oh, No-Self is the highest level, I’ve got to get that!” and I’m like, “Who cares? This relationship with Her is wonderful and beautiful (Adya’s Transcendent Self). Why would anyone want to move past that?” No-Self, in Adya’s own words, is boring in comparison to the earlier, awakened state of Transcendent Self. Seems like most, if not all his students, were talking from ego (I want the best!), while I was talking from experience.

When I asked Adya about this—why anyone would want No-Self since they have to go through the Transcendent first (and the Transcendent is wonderful)—he said, “Yes, the Transcendent is where all the good stuff happens—the miracles, the magic, the intimate relationship with God—but for the No-Self state to appear, you’ve got to want the Truth more than you want anything else—including all the magic and miracles of the Transcendent level.”

I’m not sure I agree with him on that. I think the desire for Truth is important, but there is also—as in my case—an additional motivator.

In Adya’s book, Jesus was at the Transcendent Self from the time of his baptism (spiritual awakening) up until his “death” on the cross (“Why have You forsaken ME?”). He only attained the No-Self state (dropped the me-thing, Jesus-thing) after his resurrection.

The differences between Transcendent Jesus and No-Self Christ are profound. No-Self Christ had far less inner and outer conflict, far less self-concern, far less hardness. Hell, No-Self Christ may not have had any of that stuff. Even though Pre-No-Self Jesus had a deep and intimate relationship with the Divine, he still had his human “clunkiness.” He still had his me-thing.

It is the hardness—the clunkiness—that has started to get old in my life. 

At the start of this journal, I mentioned my desire to be rid of this Wayne-thing that separates me from Her, but it is in comparing Transcendent Jesus with No-Self Christ that it has clarified the feel and the benefits of the No-Self state—making the state more real, more approachable, and thus more accessible.

In other words, as is common in this Transcendent Self stage, this information is just what I needed, just when I needed it.

And I’m grateful for that.

December 1, 2014

Dueling Bikes

Dueling Bikes

PENSACOLA BEACH, FL #VanDwelling #Surrender #MiracleLog … and cutting your hair in public.

8:25 AM

I’m parked in downtown Pensacola, mainly because Google GPS Girl led me astray. It’s a pretty downtown, lots of old architecture. And it’s quiet. I would have thought that this was the start of the business day, but, well, it’s quiet. I like it. Kind of reminds me of parts of downtown Portland, OR on weekend mornings.

This is one of the joys of van dwelling that you just can’t get with a traditional RV or towing any sort of trailer—you can stumble across unexpected places and just park your rig wherever you can park a standard pickup truck.

Stumbling… surrendering to “mistakes.” Bad for the ego, good for the Light. I need to start doing more of it. Fits in well with my current practice.

11:02 AM

I picked up a sub for lunch later, drove out to the national seashore, pulled into a vacant beach lot, and cut off all my hair as is my monthly custom. Moments after finishing up, people started pouring into the lot and I smiled at Her affording me the few moments of privacy that cutting your hair in public seems to deem proper.

5:33 PM

Didn’t do much of anything this afternoon: Hung out on the beach, read a little, played some solitaire, dwelled on my identity. It was nice just to do a whole lot of nothing. Maybe I’ll hang here tomorrow too.