The Insufferable Mind

Taming Wild Things

Taming Wild Things

MELBOURNE, FL — #NoSelf #FourthWall #Remember

February 14, 2015 8:37 AM

Three questions/answers from yesterday morning are swirling in my head as I write this:

  1. Is it possible for I/Consciousness to CONTROL the mind?
  2. What are the implications of Consciousness not controlling the mind?
  3. How can the Self let go of the Self?

I pretty much know the answer to #1: Nothing seems to control the mind CONSISTENTLY. Mind can be controlled for short periods of time (by meditation, visualizations, media manipulation, drama, …) but not consistently by one’s “self.”

And that brings up #2: Whatever the person’s sense of self is (mind, ego, Soul, Love, Emptiness, No-Self) it (the self) doesn’t consistently control thoughts.

What are the implications of this?


[Note to readers: Ironically (since I’m writing/thinking it) this is getting too dense for me. If you agree, scroll down to just above the quote below.]

The mind can’t be controlled, but it can be convinced. Facts and evidence and repeated experiences (ie: gravity), convince the mind to believe—and what the mind believes influences its content (thoughts).

Sort of…

What the mind believes influences its values (which may or may not influence the mind’s thoughts).

For example, this morning, as a simple test, I tried to visualize the Light column in the dark room (“I found myself in a large, dark, circular room, illuminated by a single column of light in its center.”). Within seconds, my mind drifted to random images: a vague rodent-like shadow, a wire running through the dark room, a beach, … and suddenly the room and the Light column were gone.

I tried again, and again, and again… with similar results.

These images had nothing to do with beliefs, just random crap the mind dumps out. Random crap that—try as I might—I had no conscious control of.


My values (what I feel is important) are directly influenced by my beliefs. For example: I know (which means “deeply believe“) that Consciousness does not blink out at death (Soul) and thus I hold less value for my physical life and all its inherent drama than most people do. My beliefs influence my values but not so much the contents of my mind (my thoughts).

My beliefs are built and strengthened through facts, evidence, and repeated experiences.

Yuck. This stuff is way too rational, way too dry for me. Let’s just cut to the chase:

I would like to deeply believe (via facts, evidence and repeated experience) the following:

I have no control of my mind. It is full of crap. I need not be concerned with it anymore.

And deeply believing this is probably the solution to #3 (dropping the subtle Self contraction).

Thoughts Interrupted

You could buy more than four of my rigs for this price.

You could buy (and outfit) more than four of my rigs for this price.

MELBOURNE, FL — #Surrender

February 13, 2015 3:43 PM

Some thoughts which arose this morning (typed earlier as they came up), before I got busy with helping the folks out. How do normal nine-to-fiver’s grow spiritually? Once I get pulled into the Mortal realm and all its drama, it’s difficult to pursue these whispers…

  • Not knowing WHY I chose not to have breakfast with folks.
  • Then no internet meant I could sit and watch people rushing to work and caught up in their “pursuit of happiness.”
  • Am I wrong that the purpose of life is to find our way back to HER? Evidence says that either Man has forgotten this (gotten distracted by LOVE FOR STUFF) or SHE doesn’t want to interfere. Probably AND not OR.
  • Meditation of Light Column failure: Mind kept drifting and I/Consciousness FOLLOWED that drift rather than bringing focus back to the meditation.
  • Is it possible for I/Consciousness to CONTROL the mind? Either way, what are the implications of this?
  • Mind like polarized lens. Needs to align with the Light. What did this image mean?
  • What are you holding onto (Zen’s monkey trapped by own paw/hand trying to pull a coconut from a jar)? My coconut is the SELF (self-concern, self-awareness, self-centeredness, …).
  • How does the (Adya’s transcendent) SELF let go of the SELF?

It’s not a big deal that I get pulled away from these thoughts to help out. I enjoy helping out and surrender is a big part of my practice. It’s just amazing how much further the devoted spiritual seeker could progress if they didn’t have to deal so much with all the distractions of making a living/pursuit of “happiness.”

Regardless, the above bullet points suggest the Tide is returning.

Waiting for the Tide



MELBOURNE, FL — #Surrender

February 12, 2015 2:40 PM

The tide is currently out, spiritually, and I await its return.

There’s an ebb to my being—a kind of hollow nothingness. I’m not feeling particularly connected, yet I’m not lost in the ego/mind either. I’m just floating in the doldrums, doing minor mortal level stuff: Driving Mom to the doctor, waiting in waiting rooms, tweaking little things on the van, working on the book, watching people watching their phones, sitting in the park feeding the birds, reading, meditating, …and waiting. Always waiting.

Just doing what needs to be done… just typical Mortal level stuff while I await the Tide’s return.

The Shadow and the Light

A Door and a Window.

A Door and a Window.

MELBOURNE, FL — #Radiance #Technique

February 10, 2015 8:41 AM

Michelle—who has been wrestling with her shadow—”leveled up” the other day with a powerful opening.

It’s rewarding to see such simple advice help someone so profoundly:

Treat them, these angry entities, as your children and Love them. They are not YOU, they are part of your burka.

Obviously it wasn’t just my advice—as you can see from Michelle’s post she’s very good about “polling” multiple sources and gathering evidence to satisfy the naturally doubting mind—but it’s still rewarding to be a part of it nonetheless.

Even though she was working with her shadow, she has found what lies below the shadow—found not just rationally but experientially.

She has found that at her core, she is Love (Radiance).

Helping others like this is what I live for. I want to find a way to do this more often, but somehow and someway to still fit in with my drifter lifestyle. I looked into apps like Meetup, etc., but those felt too forced… too “me-centric.”

I can wait though. I’m good at waiting.


The Eye-a-lator

The Eye-a-lator

MELBOURNE, FL — #LivingIt #VanDwelling

February 9, 2015 11:34 AM

I got an email yesterday from Dave. In it, he was explaining finding direction to this directionless state that seems to be a common trait to this level of consciousness:

Funny how things work. I have just been reminded of my underlying “purpose”. My intent, if you will, that gives direction to my no direction.

Intent is a very good word. A very useful word—particularly for this directionless state. When everything feels the same—when everything is valued the same—it is very hard to keep motivated toward a specific goal or project.

Ergo, intentIntent is like a direction without a goal.

For example, since I started nomading it, I have often thought a cool idea was to hit all four corners of the continental U.S. on each of the seasonal solstices. That’s a goal. It’s focused and it’s measurable and it’s practical.

But it is also a bit too rational and restrictive for my taste. It’s too much mind and not enough heart.

An intent on the other hand—an intent I’m considering—is to meander up to the northeast this spring, maybe re-visit Maine or Nova Scotia since I rushed through them last time. It’s a direction without any specific deadline or destination. The intent is simply, “The Northeast.”

A broader intent—a spiritual purpose—is to help people. I don’t know how to help them, nor who needs help, but I do know that helping others feels right. This blog is kind of an example of this—a meandering help to online “strangers”—but I’m thinking a more hands on approach would be nice during my travels.

Segueing along the helping others lines: I drove Mom to the grocery store this morning since she didn’t think she could drive with her only-one-cataract-replaced state, but as we drove, she realized her distance depth perception (yards) was a lot better than her near perception (feet), so she drove on the way back and did fine. Probably not good for long distances, but short hops around town should be do-able for her.

The Shadow and the Burka

There's Always Another Layer

There’s Always Another Layer


February 8, 2015 2:22 PM

Michelle is still working on her shadow traits, and some really powerful (and painful) stuff came up the other day. The shadow is just another layer of the burka though, just another layer of self-illusion.

The personal self is a layer. The shadow is a layer. The soul is a layer. Even the love archetype (Radiance) is a layer. I’d even go so far as to say that Emptiness is a layer and TaoGodHer is a layer. They’re all layers of the burka. All levels of self density—of self contraction.

I probably differ with most nondualists though, in that I don’t like to define the “Absolute-I” as an endpoint—I don’t like to define the Absolute-I at allI like to think of the “I” as something that floats and contracts and immerses itself in these layers—sometimes mind, sometimes soul, sometimes radiance, sometimes emptiness, ….

What I am—defining what I am—isn’t particularly important to me anymore.

But I don’t like to forget and fool myself into believing that one of the layers of the burka is me.

I still forget though, but never for long. The illusion’s no longer permanent, so forgetting once in awhile doesn’t bother me like it use to.

How I Accept What Is

The Future Uncertain

The Future Uncertain

MELBOURNE, FL — #LivingIt #Surrender

February 7, 2015 11:18 AM

I’m starting to ponder a route. Mom’s first cataract surgery went well and she’s got 20/30 vision out of her new eye. She’s not comfortable driving (yet?) because of the depth perception issue, and popping the old lens out of her old frames didn’t help as much as I would have expected, so I’ll be chauffeuring her around for a bit.

I often use my day-to-day life as a bellwether for my spiritual development. In contemplating my current situation, I’ve noticed I’ve no desire to change what’s happening, nor to hurry the schedule, nor to manipulate events to work in my favor. Though I’d like to be back on the road, I’ve no interest in proactively making that happen.

I’m not clear on exactly why this is. It isn’t as if I’ve been practicing acceptance, nor even criticizing myself for the lack thereof (“You should be more accepting.”)

I can think of a couple things though, things which have led to an almost effortless acceptance of what is:

  • The focus on seeing through the subtle self archetypes (self-concern, self-protection, self-centeredness, …). This repeated seeing-and-dropping these subtle knots of self-contraction leads to a sense of “self-apathy” which feels tremendously freeing and open while at the same time both disconcerting and directionless. Kind of a “he’s so free he doesn’t know where to go or what to do” situation.
  • Faith. In my conversations with Dave, he kept stressing trust, and I’m in total agreement with him on this—that She will provide both benefits and guidance at the appropriate times. Where we disagree though, is that I feel She’s got a specific purpose in mind for me. (With the duplex personality, it’s practically impossible to say where She ends and I begin, so this purpose also feels like a sort of karmic destiny.) I have no evidence of a plan (but I don’t have any evidence to the contrary either), it’s just a gut feeling. Still, this feeling—this faith that there’s a plan in the works—makes it much easier to surrender my will and desires and attachments. The old, “thy will be done,” and all.

This ongoing uncertainty is very disconcerting, but the faith I have that She’s got a plan makes dropping any self-centered artificial “purposes” all the easier. My faith in Her removes any pressure to “do something.”

Note: This directionless with faith has a distinctly different feel to it than the directionless feeling I had soon after my initial awakening. This one feels like there is a wind blowing, it’s just that I don’t know where it is blowing me to.

The Intimate Quality of Mystical Oneness

The Light in the Parking Lot

The Light in the Parking Lot

MELBOURNE, FL — #Writing #Intimate

February 6, 2015 10:59 AM

Like quantum particles, patterns form only when observed.

I sat in Panera, outlining Mystical Oneness: The Core Teachings and—so I wouldn’t forget the thought—I opened a new sheet (Ulysses’ term for a document) and tagged it DECIDE so I could find it later. Then I typed:

Where do I discuss SURRENDER? and LISTENING (to Her whispers)? and the DUPLEX PERSONALITY? and effortless FLOWING? and LUCK/SYNCHRONICITY? and EMPATHY (reflected life events, “knowing” what to say/do, guru shows when student is ready, …)?

I sat and looked at these questions.

I sat. I poked around at the book’s outline. I didn’t see where they fit into its structure.

I leaned back and stared and waited.

Then the pattern emerged.

I physically felt a cluck somewhere down in my being as the piece turned and dropped into the puzzle.

These traits represent a unique quality of Mystical Oneness. Just as experiencing life as a Soul is the Eternal Quality and outward flowing Love is the Radiant Quality and unbound Vastness is the Emptiness Quality, these feelings of commingling with… with everything, represent a quality of the lived and experienced state of Mystical Oneness. They represent a form of symbiosisa harmony between the Mystic and Everything Else (the Divine, the World, other people and plants and animals, …).

These traits are patterns of connection. I’ll call this pattern the Connected Quality of Mystical Oneness.

Rationally, nothing has changed. Nothing has been added other than a term.

Yet with that clunk—with the release of some (previously unseen) mental energetic “swirling“—something deeper, something inside, has settled.



Clarity and Certainty.

Nothing’s changed. I’ve been saying this stuff for years: It’s all AND’s; Separate and One; Less of you is more of Her; ….

Still, something has changed.

The Mystic is intimately connected with the archetypical Other.

The Mystic is intimately connected with Absolutely Everything.

12:27 PM

I sat in the van and ate my sandwich and I expanded. My boundaries fell away and I felt the love flowing through me and I felt the shared experience of both the Temporary and the Eternal with all that I looked on and I felt it.

felt the word.

It’s not the Connected Quality. That’s too rational a word.

No, it feels much more than connected—I was focusing on the wrong word in the post above.

It feels intimate.

The Intimate Quality of Mystical Oneness.

Directionless In The Bookstore

Blue Roof Tiles

Blue Roof Tiles

MELBOURNE, FL — #VanDwelling

February 5, 2015 10:24 AM

Looking for a travel project—something to do other than write books and take pictures when I’m free to roam again—I wandered through a Barnes and Nobel listening for ideas.

Nothing. Jack Kerouac’s classic, On the Road, looks interesting at first, but after a brief perusal, it seems rather directionless. I’m already directionless.

I went to the travel section to see what others find interesting, but except for an entire book of things to do on Cape Cod (isn’t Cape Cod tiny?), nothing tugged at my soul.

I ordered a chai from the guy who’s been working in the cafe for over ten years, then pulled up a chair and sat and watched and waited.

Mostly seniors here, it being a drizzly Thursday morning and all. A woman wearing a Cape Cod sweatshirt reads a magazine (Cape Cod again); a man takes notes from a book he’s pouring over; and two women chat over their coffee. Of the two women, one seems to be disappointed in whatever she is relating—in whatever is going on in her mind—while the other just nods in agreement or understanding or boredom.

The man, book closed now, is leaning forward, adding notes to his previous notes. He’s onto something, you can tell by his body language—his goal within sight, yet not quite manifested. It’s just out of reach—out of reach, yes, but he can taste it.

A beautiful woman with long black hair walks by, holding the hand of a young child. Our eyes meet, and she allows them to linger a little longer than is normal and she smiles and I feel that primal rush of excitement. She’s not flirting as much as just happy/curious. I get that a lot. People—men, women, and children alike—often seem to find something unusual about this burka I’m stuck inside.

But it’s time to go. Mom’s first cataract surgery is today and I’m driving.

Still, it won’t be long now. I’ll be on the road soon enough and a side project would be nice.

The Little Way

Dawn Sky

Dawn Sky

MELBOURNE, FL — #Radiance #Writing

February 4, 2015 1:38 PM

I’ve started reading The Story Of A Soul: The Autobiography Of St. Therese Of LisieuxI particularly like the following (taken from Wikipedia, emphasis mine):

I will seek out a means of getting to Heaven by a little way—very short and very straight, a little way that is wholly new. We live in an age of inventions; nowadays the rich need not trouble to climb the stairs, they have lifts instead. Well, I mean to try and find a lift by which I may be raised unto God, for I am too tiny to climb the steep stairway of perfection. … Thine Arms, then, O Jesus, are the lift which must raise me up even unto Heaven. To get there I need not grow; on the contrary, I must remain little, I must become still less.

St. Therese—who apparently was a tiny little thing—called this her “Little Way.” From my understanding, she was kind of a rebellious nun—not one to spend her hours studying ancient, complex religious tomes, and more likely to follow her heart and pursue a simpler, more direct route to God. Her line—To get there I need not grow; on the contrary, I must remain little, I must become still less—fits in perfectly with what I’ve been saying for years:

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

I think I’m in love.

1:58 PM

As I mentioned yesterday, my latest book—The Path of Mystical Oneness—is too clunky, so I spent the morning re-organizing it. Not only do I want to change the tone from a less lecturing one to a more intimate one, but I’ve decided to break the book down into a series of smaller ebooks (MinEbooks).

Why? One word: FlowIf my life isn’t flowing—if I find myself trying or enduring—then I know I’m doing something wrong.

By breaking the one big book into five (possibly more) smaller books, I drastically shorten the time spent on each of the following steps (alleviating burn-out):

  • Outline (Strategic/Logical Energy)
  • Write (Tactical/Creative Energy)
  • Generate (Cannon Fodder/Mindless Energy)

An added bonus is the MinEbook method allows for more rest periods after each cycle: Outline, Write, Generate, Rest, Repeat….

Interestingly enough (to me at least), is this method fits in well with St. Therese’s Little Way. Same amount of work (maybe even more) but smaller, simpler, and easier to digest pieces.

The (very) tentative titles:

  1. Mystical Oneness: The Core Teachings
  2. Mystical Oneness: The Eternal
  3. Mystical Oneness: The Radiant
  4. Mystical Oneness: The Empty
  5. Mystical Oneness: The Lived