December 10, 2014

Behind The Projection Room Door

Behind The Projection Room Door

MELBOURNE, FL #Technique #Death #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #NoSelf … and the wisdom of complete and utter failure.

8:38 AM

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

The Eternal Loving Awareness… I know that this is what I am—what everyone is—but how do you take it from knowing to being?

I’m not interested in theories—I’ve heard them all. I’m interested in evidence.

What evidence do I have? What experiences have changed my being in the past?

(thinking)

(thinking)

My initial awakening.

Though I knew everything I needed to know (“You are just thoughts. If you can experience it, it isn’t you.”) it didn’t become a part of my being until…

(thinking)

(thinking)

… until I gave everything I had (“I’ll sit here until that damn frog moves.”)…

… and I failed.

(“How can the frog sit so peacefully for so long and I can’t? The frog has no thoughts. What are these thoughts that are driving me crazy? What am I but a bunch of thoughts? …”)

The lived experience and the failure made the theories real (“I am not these thoughts. Thoughts are just noise inside of me. ‘Wayne Wirs’ is just a bunch of inner noise.”).

The scars of the failure (“The smart have their books, the wise have their scars.”) changed my very being.

(Re-reading what I just wrote.)

Dare I say, the emotional scars of my failure? I was on the Gas Gauge of Death. I was going to kill myself in a few months. I was giving it my all to get as far as I could in this life in preparation for my next and I still failed.

My failure (failure at finding enlightenment, failure at even beating a stupid frog at a meditation challenge) was a huge blow to my ego.

It broke me.

That failure, that blow to my ego, shattered the ‘Wayne Wirs’ story—the personal self. It destroyed the belief that I was my history, my past, my roles (“I am such a smart guy”) and my thoughts (“I know it all”). That failure destroyed “me” and it humbled what was left. That failure broke me.

So back to the original questions:

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

What I knowI am the Eternal (Soul) Loving (Radiance) Awareness (Emptiness).

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. I must constantly remember this. “I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.” I must meditate on it. I must repeat it and contemplate it constantly until the thought becomes embedded into my subconsciousness like the song I See You is stuck in my head.
  2. I must constantly apply it. I must attempt to live as the Eternal Loving Awareness… No. That’s wrong—I must not attempt to be it, I must reveal it. While going about my day-to-day life, I must be consistently aware of what I am—and have always been as far back as I can remember—the constant and unchanged thing that I really am: The Eternal Loving Awareness1.
  3. and I must learn from my failures (scars). Why did I fail? What is it that is pulling me away from the Eternal (“constant and unchanging…”) Loving Awareness (“…thing that I really am”)?

How do I change my heart? How do I change my very being?

The answer, ironically, is that I must break what is already broken—what is already flawed: I must break the me-thing.

The smart have their books and the wise have their scars and the less there is of identifying with the me-thing the more there is of the Eternal Loving Awareness.


  1. The constant, unchanged thing that I really am, is what Adyashanti calls the eternal still point within you

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2 thoughts on “December 10, 2014

  1. sounds like your trying really hard to find yourself, I don’t have experience with the above post. But I have experiences spiritual growth which you’ll need to reach your goal. I have encountered resistance before growth and it has wound me up, to the point that I breathe and relax the desire to be there and relax the effort put in to getting there. Once the desire and effort is relax the floodgate to growth opens. That the essence of mind-i wanting to be there that much, it would put so much effort into reaching that goal and ulitmately it would be its own worsed enemy blocking its own path to growth.

    Have faith you’ll get there.

    While at the beach you wont hurry a wave on to crash at your feet, you’ll stand just in reach and wait patiently for it.

    You could see this as a theory but it is a theory of an observation on experiences that once occured. With multiple observations of the occurance, no doubt more to come.

    Peace and Blessings

  2. “The first sentence of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey is, Interdependence is a higher value than independence.” That one line helped more than the rest of the book… which I forget totally. I read it around 1995.

    In my extremist 20’s I went from being emotionally dependent to unrealistically independent. I swore I was completely autonomous. “Control freak” never even entered my mind. This caused “suffering.” Obviously self-inflicted. What did I know?

    Interdependence opened my heart and my horizons… the balancing was a beautiful dance and continues (of course) today.

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