February 7, 2015 11:18 AM
I’m starting to ponder a route. Mom’s first cataract surgery went well and she’s got 20/30 vision out of her new eye. She’s not comfortable driving (yet?) because of the depth perception issue, and popping the old lens out of her old frames didn’t help as much as I would have expected, so I’ll be chauffeuring her around for a bit.
I often use my day-to-day life as a bellwether for my spiritual development. In contemplating my current situation, I’ve noticed I’ve no desire to change what’s happening, nor to hurry the schedule, nor to manipulate events to work in my favor. Though I’d like to be back on the road, I’ve no interest in proactively making that happen.
I’m not clear on exactly why this is. It isn’t as if I’ve been practicing acceptance, nor even criticizing myself for the lack thereof (“You should be more accepting.”)
I can think of a couple things though, things which have led to an almost effortless acceptance of what is:
- The focus on seeing through the subtle self archetypes (self-concern, self-protection, self-centeredness, …). This repeated seeing-and-dropping these subtle knots of self-contraction leads to a sense of “self-apathy” which feels tremendously freeing and open while at the same time both disconcerting and directionless. Kind of a “he’s so free he doesn’t know where to go or what to do” situation.
- Faith. In my conversations with Dave, he kept stressing trust, and I’m in total agreement with him on this—that She will provide both benefits and guidance at the appropriate times. Where we disagree though, is that I feel She’s got a specific purpose in mind for me. (With the duplex personality, it’s practically impossible to say where She ends and I begin, so this purpose also feels like a sort of karmic destiny.) I have no evidence of a plan (but I don’t have any evidence to the contrary either), it’s just a gut feeling. Still, this feeling—this faith that there’s a plan in the works—makes it much easier to surrender my will and desires and attachments. The old, “thy will be done,” and all.
This ongoing uncertainty is very disconcerting, but the faith I have that She’s got a plan makes dropping any self-centered artificial “purposes” all the easier. My faith in Her removes any pressure to “do something.”
Note: This directionless with faith has a distinctly different feel to it than the directionless feeling I had soon after my initial awakening. This one feels like there is a wind blowing, it’s just that I don’t know where it is blowing me to.
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