Having decided to go ahead with this experiment, I spent all of yesterday and this morning putting together the website, A Mystic’s Journal.
Ironically, the intense focus I experience when immersed in a project has taken me away from the very purpose of this exercise: To surrender what remains of my “self” to Her.
Which got me thinking (of course), that the intense focus I just described is the unconscious version of the No-Self state (using Adyashanti’s terminology). No-Self is the experience of life without a sense of a self. Pretty much everyone experiences No-Self unconsciously at various points in their lives—while lost in a great movie or book, creating a piece of artwork, a session of intense writing, …—they just aren’t aware of the oddity of their “self” not being there while it is happening.
Conversely, being aware of “not being there” while things are experienced is exactly what the No Self state is (at least in the few times I’ve experienced it).
After lunch I filled my pipe with tobacco and my mug with coffee and walked out into the desert and stumbled across a scorpion sitting on a water meter used to measure the underground water table or something.
I sat down next to him and we entered into a staring contest (which—with his beady little eyelid-less eyes—he easily won) . As his reward, I took his portrait while he acted all macho and stuff, silently wished him well, felt blessed and grateful for the experience, and continued my walk out into the desert.
Five years ago, I was living as a Soul when I had my awakening experience. Now, with a limited lifespan before me, my desire is to clear as many knots (conditioned reactions and habits) as possible which stand between My Love and I. The deep and serious contemplation of my inevitable death worked once before in expanding my consciousness, so maybe living as a Soul will work again.
Like Meister Eckhart and Saint Teresa of Ávila, I hope to immerse myself in the Divine and reveal any hardness which is still left of this annoying me-thing. In so doing—in seeing and feeling these “me-me-me” contractions—I hope to eventually relax and release them. My goal is that when I do die, I will have fewer attachments to this mortal life—attachments which will involuntarily tear me apart from Her once we merge (my belief is that each of us merges with Her/God/the Light upon our deaths, but our attachments—our desires for something “other”—make this beautiful co-existence only a fleeting experience).
Under the moon on that clear night, both frightened and amazed, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Back,” I said, and my whole life changed forever.
Wholeness. Contentment. Joy and Bliss. Awareness without an Other. Love radiating outward into itself. No beginnings, no endings. No births or deaths. To Life, there is no opposite.
From the Stillness, a subtle tug, a tiny ripple on the empty ocean. A single twitch, a little pull and suddenly there were Two.
Ripped apart by desires unknown. She, the World and I, me. No longer One, we now were Two. It’s all my fault… Forgive me.
Yeah, it sucks, but that merging is what I see as the purpose of my life, or at least, this phase of my life (assuming I survive it). As Leona Lewis sings in Avatar, “Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.” Meister Eckhart or St. Teresa could have written those exact words.
Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.
And so this journal will be used to record my progress on just that: The immersion of this me-thing into the Light.
I’m sorry for all the odd terminology and links. I’ve been a Mystic for over five years now and in that time—and by necessity—have developed a vocabulary all my own. Lots of vast and varied experiences, all documented (and thus linkable). So don’t sweat the vocabulary. Just like the readers of my previous blog, you’ll pick up the language soon enough.
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