I awoke early yet remained in bed. Out the window, the dawn slowly lit the sky with shades of red and orange. Atop a tall saguaro cactus a hawk sat, silhouetted, scanning the desert floor for his breakfast.
Surrender is not at all easy. Though I had no definitive plans for the winter, while in the Southwest I had intended to meet up with a yearly gathering of fellow van dwellers in Quartzsite, explore Tucson and the southeastern portion of Arizona, then meander north with Spring to explore Colorado.
But all of that was just of the mind—nothing real. They were all “Me-thoughts” which inevitably lead to unhappiness.
What difference does it make what I do—or where She takes me?
Meister Eckhart on surrender:
You should give your all to God, and then worry no more about what He may do with what is His.
I’m grateful for the mind-boggling synchronicity of this event… and the practice/scars/wisdom I expect it will provide.
It is the easiest thing in the world to say you are willing to surrender to your higher power, your highest self, your God or your ideal…
It’s another thing entirely to live in surrender.
The smart have their words, the wise have their scars.
I sent an email to Mom and Jeff (my brother) telling them that I’d be heading back to Florida for the winter. I intentionally didn’t call. As any spiritual seeker knows, it’s exhausting trying to explain your reasoning when your reasoning isn’t based on just reason but reason plus something indefinable and ethereal. (Ken Wilber calls this transrational, as in rational + Cosmic Consciousness/Divine inspiration).
Besides, they know me. They know I’m just as stubborn as they are and will do whatever the hell I decide to do regardless.
I sat in the van cargo door and ate an egg sandwich, tossing the scraps for the ants and birds and coyotes to later find while thinking about the route I’d take back to Florida.
I don’t feel in a particular hurry, Dad’s got a blocked artery that Mom says can be corrected with a stent—she made it sound rather minor in comparison to the diagnosis that one of his heart valves isn’t fully closing and would require open heart surgery if he were healthy enough. They are going in for more tests on Thursday, so things are still in the evaluation and planning stages.
I drove about 150 miles, playing music and singing along most of the trip—feeling good. Kept with a generally easterly direction but never sure of a destination. Ended up making camp at a free national forest campground outside Globe AZ that I stumbled across.
Michelle had told me that she had a “pretty neat disembodied-self experience” while driving and singing recently. After spending the day doing just that, I get it. It is hard to think while singing and in the midst of deep spiritual practice, this disconnect—the disembodied-self (Witness)—is much more likely to happen when you are not thinking yet while actively doing something (ie: singing while driving).
Michelle may be onto something.
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