Spiraling Out Of Control

Goal Oriented

Goal Oriented

MELBOURNE, FL — #Death #Soul

March 4, 2015 2:07 PM

It started out with what I felt was an inspiring and perfect idea, “I think I’ll come back as Michelle’s son, then Michelle can re-teach me Mystical Oneness,” but because Mom doesn’t believe that we get to pick our next life, the conversation quickly spiraled out of control.

At the point where she was telling me how negative I’ve become and how disappointed in me she was that I’d lost hope in Mankind and when Dad told me that all I wanted to do was win, I knew I was doomed.

It’s not that I want to win (particularly when it comes to beliefs). All I really want is to be understood.

I don’t know why though. I don’t know why being understood feels so important.

Should I be inauthentic to make my life easier? Should I tell people what they want to hear just to be popular? Should I smile and glow and spew theories based simply on mind stuff and not real world experience?

Should I just walk away?

Sometimes I get so tired.

I know I’m holding on too tight to this—to being understood. More mind crap. When I dissolve into Her—as I just did a few moments ago—She smiles and nods and knows I’ll learn my lesson eventually.

Hah! Is it any wonder spiritual teachers don’t blog about their personal lives?

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13 thoughts on “Spiraling Out Of Control

  1. …there is a great difference between those who understand and those who misunderstand this point.

    This naturallly originating inner raidiance, uncreated from the very beginning, is the parentless child of awareness- How amazing!
    It is the naturally originating pristine cognition, uncreated by anyone- How amazing!
    This radiant awareness has never bin born and will never die- How amazing!
    Though manifestly radiant, it lacks an extraneous perciever- How amzing!
    Though it has roamed througout cyclic existence, it does not degenerate- How amazing!
    Though it has seen buddhahood itself, it does not improve- How amazing!
    Though it is present in everyone, it remains unrecognised- How amazing!
    Still, one hopes for some attainment other then this- How amazing!
    Though it is present within oneself, one continues to seek it elswhere- How amazing!

    The tibetan book of the dead- introduction to awareness.

    This seemed an appropiate thing to say. Realy hope you find a way beyond this. But life is how it is. We are who we are. The best thing is that it doesnt seem to matter.

  2. or we don’ t have to take a point of view. If we take a point of view we will run into trouble with other points of view. We don’t have to accept that there is a difference between ‘authentic’ or ‘ inauthentic’ or between ‘mind stuff’ and ‘real world experience’. those differences are a basis for trouble. I try to do what you said: push the ego away, and just don’t resist. that realy helped me out. We do not own our minds. we can only train them in a different direction. The nature of enlightment and the nature of a human being seem to contradict eachother sometimes. The brain also works for the body and the wisdom of the body says that it is important to be understood and socialy accepted, and thus causes suffering, conflicts in our reasoning. It is difficult to overcome.

  3. Who could ask for anything more than to live through the eyes of Her. If you are still searching, you have not. It is as Real as it gets. How did we get so confused?

    • I honestly dont know how we got so confused. The trouble seems to arise when i am trying to make sense out of something. For me there seems to be a conflict of interest sometimes between being a human being in this world and a part that seems to be not of this world. I am certainly not there yet. It is a struggle, but i am happy to talk to People who are walking this path. I try to learn as much as i can.

  4. Those whom you consider to be trustworthy and legitimate spiritual teachers… do they understand each other? Do you understand THEM? How much understanding do you seek before it is enough?

    These are questions I ask myself when I start wondering whether my spiritual searching is too individual, too isolated, or too lonely. Then some quotes like this arise:

    “The Tao wouldn’t be the Tao if it weren’t laughed at.” ~ Lao Tsu

    “Lord, grant that I may seek rather to
    comfort than to be comforted;
    to understand, than to be understood;
    to love, than to be loved.” ~St. Francis of Assisi

    Recently I heard someone offer this success tip: “Find your peeps.” And I wondered, “Who ARE my peeps… and what difference would that make?”

    I do know that your blog and your commenters give me a sense of community… and comparison (if that has any value). Thank you for you openness, bravery, and creativity. I love the way your expressive photos tie in with your words, for example. Maybe I can never understand you completely, but I’m glad for the degree to which I can.

  5. Man, parents, brothers and sisters are the worse people to understand you. They will never understand you. They can’t. They have spent too many years loving and thinking about you. What you are is ingrained in them and can never be changed. Jesus could not preach in his own hometown, I think it says so in the Bible. There is a reason. Families compete with each other, only the rare ones don’t. Winning and losing are important things in families. Hey come up to SC and visit me in Columbia, stay as long as you like. I got some great humans up here for you to meet. Keith 803-413-0519

    • Think that is a good point. Relationships with your parents, brothers and sisters can be complicsted. A lot of people will confirm that. And the need for acknowledgement runs deep. Best way out seems to attack the ego. We should try to not be so dependent on what others think or not think. Or what Jo said: try to comfort not to be comforted

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