Why I Can’t Love Myself

The Rock Coalesces out of the Sea

The Rock Coalesces out of the Sea


MELBOURNE, FL — #Emptiness #FourthWall #MiracleLog

January 14, 2015 12:57 PM

I leaned back in my easy chair, closed my eyes, and sought an analogy: What does the Wayne-thing feel like to me?

And then I had one.

Years ago, before cable and digital signals, television images were sent over the air in analog. If the TV station was too far away, the viewer would only see a screen filled with snow—visual white noise—with only faint human-shaped patterns appearing out of the noise.

Many times, these patterns were so intangible that—though you knew they were images of an actor—you couldn’t tell if they were Ginger or Mary Ann.

That vaguely human image coalescing out of the ether is a lot like how I experience the Wayne-thing.

The image no longer feels like me (though it used to—it used be very clear and feel very real). The vaguely human image now feels like otherIt feels like a contraction out of a bunch of mental (like analog TV’s) white noise.

Yesterday, reader Dave left a comment on the blog:

Look in the mirror. You are the same light seeing the light in others. Love yourself.

What a beautiful, wonderful comment. I love the image it instills. I love the practice that it suggests.

But I can’t love myself. I can’t love myself because I can’t see myself—I can’t experience myself. I can see the pattern of what I used to believe I was—but I can’t see me-the-one-who-is-doing-the-seeing.

I am the Witness, but I can’t witness myself. The Witness can never see itself.

Eckhart Tolle said it well in his first book, The Power of Now (paraphrasing from memory): “I hated myself. Then I thought, are there two of me here, me and the one I hate? Maybe only one of the me’s is real.”

When you step through the Gateless Gate, you suddenly realize—not just mentally, but in a very real and almost physical manner—that you are no longer Gilligan stranded on some deserted island, but instead you are… (something that you can never see or experience)… that is aware of Gilligan’s story.

And you realize (with an impossible to refrain smile) that you were always that something.

I can’t love myself because at my core…

I am Love itself.

And so are you.

3:12 PM

One of those odds-defying synchronicities just happened. Here is an excerpt of what Michelle just posted to me (obviously not seeing this post first, since it wasn’t published yet):

… is that I tend to lack in self-love. It’s absolutely true, and I have ignored this in the past because I have equated the “self love” thing with more superficial ideals like “positive self-esteem,” which aren’t really worth messing with. But self-love, loving every part of oneself, seems like what even you are doing with your shadow side, and to me it does seem to be essential. How could someone recognize the self to be false and hate parts of it? I’m not sure if it’s a barrier that must be dealt with before awakening can happen or a byproduct of seeing more clearly. Maybe both… But somehow I feel it probably needs to happen.

The Meaning of Suffering

On The Dock of the Bay

On The Dock of the Bay

MELBOURNE, FL — #Remember #Soul #FourthWall

January 11, 2015 8:12 AM

Yesterday, I told my mother, “This morning’s insight was, ‘Suffering brings us closer to God.‘”

To which she replied “Oh, I know that.

Kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Still, for the rest of us, here’s what I posted to Michelle a few moments ago on suffering and doubts and confusion and particularly karma:

Re: Unknown (and doubts and confusion and karma): I know (but can’t prove) that I picked this life. It may not work out the way my mind’s desires want, but it will work out exactly the way that me-as-a-Soul wanted when I picked this life.

Therefore all my suffering—all the lessons suffering teaches me (the wise have their scars)—brings me closer to God Herself, since joining with the Divine is the Soul’s ultimate motivation.

[Turning to the Fourth Wall]

My belief is that (and I want to stress the word belief since, unlike the Soul and reincarnation, there is very little evidence for karma):

  • After death, we merge with the Divine
  • Even though we are Everything at that point—God Herself—our desires or attachments to our old ways rip us apart from Her
  • We (as a Soul again, separated from the Divine), find a life that helps us overcome whatever our desire/attachment was
  • We take on that life and forget our Soul-life (for maximum teaching effect)
  • We live, we die, we merge and repeat.

In other words, for spiritual seekersall our suffering was voluntarily taken on to help bring us closer to the Divine. (Exception: see the but-wait-there’s-more clause below.)

Free Special Bonus Insight: When we pick these lives, we-as-a-Soul have no way of knowing if all the suffering we’re going to go through will benefit us or not. Why? Because the Soul can’t see its own future. Sort of like when you sign up for a college course—you don’t know if it will really help you in the future or just be a waste of your time and money.

But wait, there’s more! If you act right now, you’ll receive this additional insight: I’m certain (but can’t prove or provide evidence for), that there are other reasons we come back: To help loved ones, to take a vacation-day (vacation-life), to take a thrill ride, to satisfy a fantasy….

Though reincarnation is practically a certainty, all the reasons why we reincarnate are belief material, so take them for what they’re worth.


Down By The River

Down By The River

MELBOURNE, FL — #Writing #VanDwelling #MiracleLog #FourthWall

01/08/2015 9:24 PM

Because I didn’t listen to Her, the first part of my morning was clunky—one gas station wouldn’t process my credit card, another gas station’s pump kept auto-shutting-off on me, I had to wait in line to place my breakfast order, a woman was mysteriously standing in my way at the coffee urns…—you know, clunky like most people’s lives normally are.

Last night I had a lot of aches and pains in my neck and shoulders. This morning, I realized this was exactly how Mom had felt last week when she had been to the dentist for her first root canal visit, and, since she had gone for her second visit yesterday, my mind said that maybe she was experiencing the same pain, but TaoGodHer whispered, “You’ve got the pain now, your mom’s fine.”

I opted to listened to my mind though, and stopped in at the condo (I don’t sleep in the condo, but stealth camp around town) and Mom was indeed fine but, because of my lack of faith (I’m certain), my morning didn’t flow as smoothly and effortlessly as it typically does.

12:32 PM

I went to the coffee shop to work on my book-in-progress (still haven’t settled on a title), and moved my outline and notes from OneNote into Ulysses’ folder structure as recommended in Hewson’s Writing A Novel With Ulysses III. By using Ulysses’ comments feature to summarize what each chapter/section should be about, OneNote became superfluous. Keeping all my notes and text in a single application simplified things dramatically.

[ Addressing the Forth Wall]: No. I don’t make a referral fee from Ulysses. It’s just a great product.

Here’s the first draft of the Introduction (I just wrote it a few minutes ago, so it—like this morning—is pretty clunky):


Ask any spiritual seeker if they’ve become either more or less “lucky” the more spiritual they’ve become, and almost universally—at least after a confused pause of consideration—they’ll respond in the positive: “More lucky.”

Often this insight will surprise them.

The more spiritual we become, the more lucky we become.

Mystical Oneness is like traditional nondual enlightenment with constant and consistent good luck thrown in.

The biggest difference between the Mystic and the Enlightened is that the Mystic recognizes just how lucky she has become. Furthermore, the Mystic realizes why she has become so lucky. The Mystic realizes that ongoing odds-defying luck (synchronicity) implies a Divine Intelligence.

To put it a more precisely, the Mystic understands…

Synchronicity implies God.

Now we’re not talking about the God of the Bible, Torah, or Koran. No. We’re talking about an all-powerful, all-knowing Intelligence who actively participates in the Mystic’s day-to-day life.

Ongoing, odds-defying, and meaningful good luck implies that an all-powerful, all-knowing Intelligence is operating behind the scenes. The Mystic—a man or woman who has taken their spirituality so deeply and seriously that there is almost nothing left of them—recognizes this. They recognize there is no other explanation for it.

They recognize that synchronicity implies God.

Fundamental nondualists (so called “enlightened” rationalists) would say Mystical Oneness is a flawed concept because Mystical Oneness implies a person (the Mystic) separate from God, and all separation is an illusion. But the Mystic knows there is more to life than just rational concepts and theories. The Mystic has transcended the rational (ironically, dualistic) concepts of separation and unity. The Mystic lives and thrives between these two truths. The Mystic lives in paradox.

Mystical Oneness is like an intimate relationship. Just like the relationship between two intimate lovers—where one is almost constantly thinking and involved with the other—Mystical Oneness is the intimate union of the devote spiritual seeker with the Divine Beloved.

Mystical Oneness is like traditional nondual enlightenment with a lot more heart and soul and love and magic.

Yeah, I know. Clunky.

The Shadow Tube Practice

The Light From the Dark

The Light From the Dark

MELBOURNE, FL — #MiracleLog #Technique #FourthWall

01/06/2015 8:16 AM

After a couple of forced attempts and then a couple of who-knows-where-these-come-from insights, what follows is the account of this morning’s experiences as I lay in bed—seeking to reveal what is left of my Shadow.

Notes to readers:


I did a few breaths of the Bubble Tube Meditation in order to open up the tube—and to use that tube as a tunnel directly to my subconscious.

The Descent

I imagined myself floating slowly down the tube, starting at the top of my head.

On the way down, I saw no “people” (shadow personalities) until I reached my belly chakra (I know a little about the chakras, but could care less about what they mean as I don’t want to be influenced by other people’s belief systems).

At the belly chakra, I found a very angry guy who was pissed at his readers for not sharing his work and helping him become more successful.

I continued downward.

At the groin chakra, I found another guy… not happy, but accepting of the situation.

At the butt chakra, I found a fat guy… he knew he was out of balance, but didn’t particularly care.

The Ascent

The fat guy joined me and smiled and shrugged (as if to explain his condition) and I heard, “What difference does it make? We’ll all be dead in a couple years.”

Together, we floated upward.

The groin guy joined us, acknowledged that sex with a partner just wasn’t practical anymore—relationships being too complicated and distracting for where we are right now.

And he joined us and we floated upward.

The angry belly guy was practically throwing a temper tantrum. He blamed me for being such a failure. He blamed my readers for not helping him succeed. He raged against society and the world for not recognizing us.

And then an odd thing happened: He shrank down to the size of an infant—a crying infant—and I cradled him in my arms and our growing group floated upward.

At the heart, my love, my Anima (not TaoGodHer) opened her arms and received us and loved us and the baby in my arms quieted and grew to the belly guy again, but he was calm now and at peace.

And Anima looked into belly guy’s eyes and he resigned himself to never being great, but only being good, to never being a huge success, but still helping a few, and he accepted his fate and I felt a huge relief.

And Anima hugged me, and joined our group and we floated higher.

At the throat, there was a guy standing at a podium—a professional presenter—and he told us how frustrated he was, how hard it is to get people to understand him… that they just weren’t getting him.

Then Anima smiled and hugged him and his shoulders slumped, and he accepted his fate, and he straightened his tie and he joined our growing group.

And we floated upward.

And we came to a massive whirling light storm in the center of the head and a scholarly man was futilely rushing around trying to grab all these glowing pieces of information out of the maelstrom and just as he’d grab one, another he had been holding would slip from his tightly grasping hands.

And Anima walked up to him, and shook him firmly by the shoulders and she looked into his eyes and smiled and he slumped in resignation and acceptance, and—reluctantly looking back at all those mysteries whirling away—he stood taller and straighter and joined us.

And we floated upward.

The Integration/Disintegration

And we came to the top of the head (still inside) and a wise old man, a calm man, smiled at our group as if he had been waiting for us and he grasped a rope in the ceiling and pulled it back and the top of my head slid open and the Light of TaoGodHer shone down upon us all.

Then the butt chakra guy—the fat guy—smiled a knowing smile and he pulled a different rope and the floor way down below at the butt chakra (the bottom of the tube) slid open and a warm, golden glowing liquid slowly rose up the tube and when it reached us—when it reached the Divine Light—all of us, the entire group, grasped hands and dissolved together into a cloud of tiny glowing dust particles (star dust?) and the room we were in (my head) dissolved into star dust and then the entire body dissolved into star dust and I/we as the glowing cloud dispersed outward into the world and settled upon it and became one with it.

And I felt at peace—a deep sense of peace—with both myself and the World.

12/27/2014: To The Writers

Picture of a Picture of Panera Bread

Picture of a Picture of Panera Bread

MELBOURNE, FL — #Writing #FourthWall

8:12 AM

In between the Joy of Eternal Being practice, I’ve been “tinkering” with a few techy things in Ulysses. I’ve been tweaking my workflow, researching the built-in stylesheets in preparation for exporting these journal posts into ebook format, and playing with Ulysses’ beta version for the iPad.

One of the reasons I love Ulysses—besides its simple and clean interface—is in how logically it is designed. Similar to web design, you write the “source code” (your text) and use stylesheets to export your text to various formats (Word, rich-text, HTML, ePub, …). They have built in stylesheets so you don’t have to know anything special to export your work, but—if you do know CSS—you can create your own stylesheets to customize your own personal designs.

I use Ulysses to write all the text for this blog, then export it to HTML to preview it in the browser. When I’m satisfied, I simply copy and paste the text from the browser view into WordPress for publication on the blog. What is key in all this is that I’ll use the same source text to export all the blog posts into ePub format to create the ebooks at a later date. Same source text—two different products.

This strategy Ulysses decided on—one source document that can create many output documents—is a huge benefit for today’s writers faced with a multitude of publishing formats demanded by the industry and technology: A double spaced plain text document for editors, a Word document for agents and publishers, a PDF document for proofreaders, an HTML document for the web, an ePub document for ebooks, ….

I wish I had done this with the WayneWirs.com site, it would have made Awakening of a Mystic—a collection of previous blog posts—a piece of cake (I still haven’t compiled, copy/pasted,  and/or massaged Awakening out of the posts I tagged four months ago because it’s such a mess).

Note: I highly recommend the book, Writing A Novel With Ulysses III by David Hewson for some great tips on using Ulysses and organizing your writing in it.

12/24/2014: The Enlightened Jesus

Ornaments Up Close

Ornaments Up Close

MELBOURNE, FL — #FourthWall #Journaling #LivingIt #MyLove #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #Surrender

10:38 AM

[Addressing the Fourth Wall]:

One of the reasons I so love ebooks is the ability to highlight text and easily find and read those passages later.

In the spirit of Christmas, here are a few (only a small portion) of the text I highlighted from Resurrecting Jesus.

Note: On some of the passages, I highlighted them in order to remind me of lessons and practices, while others I highlighted because they reflected my personal experiences with awakening and kind of surprised me, ie: the “download” of information, the trials and tribulations, the radiance, the engagement (bringing it to life), the relinquishment (what I’m going through now), ….

…Jesus the revolutionary mystic, the one who is actually courageous enough to move through life guided and inspired by the dynamic of his spiritual essence.

Spiritual autonomy is knowing who and what you are—knowing that you are divine being itself, knowing that the essence of you is divinity. You are moving in the world of time and space, appearing as a human being, but nonetheless you are eternal, divine being, the timeless breaking through and operating within the world of time. To Jesus, spirit is everything.

He is the living presence of divine being. He’s a human being too, but he’s here to convey divine being…

…awakening people to eternal life, to discovering divine being within themselves.

…he wanted to break down the lines of separation between people, between heaven and earth, between human and divine.

So the whole Jesus story, ultimately, is the map of a journey that happens within us. It’s an invitation to live out the radiance that’s revealed when we have the courage to step beyond anything and everything that separates us.

Life is this simple: we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time. This is not just a nice story or a fable, it is true. — THOMAS MERTON

My own spiritual development has shown me that we’re all, in essence, the divine radiance of pure being and that we also have our human side: our good days and our not-so-good days. Our human condition is reflected in the great humanity of Jesus, and I believe this is one of the reasons that so many people have felt so deeply connected to Jesus over the centuries.

…but the beauty of the story is in how it reveals that sense of eternity, that still point in the midst of difficulty, that divinity shining through the latticework of time and space.

Jesus is saying that the Kingdom of Heaven is right here, in the place where he’s undergoing his trials, and men do not see it. The beauty of the Jesus story is that he did see eternity while here on this earth; he was eternity, divine being at his core and in his substance.

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

That sense of something unchanged is the eternal spark within.

From that state of voidness, after a while a download of insight began—literally hundreds of insights per second downloaded into my system. Just as you download a program on your computer, spirit or divine being was downloading insights into me, many more than I could actually keep up with. This descent of spirit was just as depicted in the Jesus story.

There are many degrees of awakening, but all awakening has as its common denominator a shift from seeing ourselves as a separated, isolated human being to seeing ourselves as that which we all share. You can call it consciousness, divine being, spirit, God. Many words can be used, but it’s the experience that matters.

At some point after awakening—sometimes very soon, sometimes not for quite a while—you reach a stage that I call “trials and tribulations.”

It’s almost as if life says, in order to deal with this situation properly, you are going to have to respond to it from that place of realization, from your deepest nature to which you’ve awakened. If you go back into your ego or into your conditioned mind to respond, it simply won’t work, and turmoil will ensue.

This is an amazing teaching, and it’s message is: if you meet your trials and tribulations from your own deepest realization, they will be released from your system and purified from you, so that eternal being can fully be embodied through your humanity.

When this unification occurs, there’s a simplicity to life, a deep sense of freedom and essential well-being and also of fearlessness.

Where there was abiding tranquility, what awakens now is sense of an extraordinary vitality, of life-force. It’s as if the fullness of your being is radiating, and from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, you feel this very deep and powerful radiance.

…and then you’re infused with this impersonal vitality and radiance, very often it signals that there’s something more in store. There will be another phase of your life, a phase not just of abiding tranquility, but also of radiant engagement.

When transfiguration occurs, we begin to move with what I call “spiritual autonomy.” By spiritual autonomy, I mean a kind of certainty—not an egoic certainty, but one that comes from your essential nature, from the level of divine being. We find this spiritual autonomy very clearly mirrored in the figure of Jesus. Jesus walks through his life knowing who he is and what he’s doing, even though his disciples don’t understand him, the authorities don’t understand him, and the Pharisees don’t understand him.

The next stage of the awakening journey is what I call “relinquishment.” In the story of Jesus, relinquishment is symbolized by the crucifixion. Ultimately, relinquishment is the experience of the death of ego. Awakening is the transcendence of ego; awakening doesn’t mean the ego is dead or even that it’s really gone anywhere. The awakening experience may change the nature of ego, making it more unified, more whole, but the ego is still there. Relinquishment is what spiritual teachers mean when they say, “die before you die.”

The kingdom of heaven is spread upon earth and men do not see it. When you see this, you shift from being a victim of your life and assigning blame for the tragedy you encounter. The truth, I would suggest, is that you poured yourself willingly into form out of infinite love in order to redeem the entirety of this life. When seen from that perspective, all of a sudden life looks very different. You stop holding back from life, your inner life or the life around you, because the kingdom of heaven is within and all around you. That’s the message of the Jesus story.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for following along on this journey.

12/21/2014: Spiritual Practice and the Distractions of Normal Life

Lone Wave on a Still Sea

Lone Wave on a Still Sea

VERO BEACH, FL — #VanDwelling #FourthWall

10:25 AM

I was reading through some of the older posts of this journal, and what amazes me is just how difficult it is to remember to practice while living a Normal Life. I’ve long had the core practices down (EternalRadianceEmptiness) but it is the subtler practices which are tricky to remember. To practice surrendering and merging, to practice the Archetypes, to practice dying before dying, ….

Normal Life just has so many things to distract the mind—to distract the attention. How is one supposed to grow spiritually with all this noise?

The more time I spend in Normal Life, the more convinced I become that solitude is the way to grow, while Normal Life is the way to integrate

Something to be said for monasteries… or that spiritual mobile community idea.

Deep spiritual development is definitely more conducive to the nomadic lifestyle since you can switch between Normal Life and Solitude at will and as needed.

[Addressing the Fourth WallI’m sure you could do something similar in a fixed-positional dwelling (read normal home) if you had the right job (online, retired, or wealthy) and understanding friends and family (“I’m currently in solitude-mode. Please do not disturb me.”). This might sound odd to them at first, but think, “She’s just being Phoebe,” and maybe it could be do-able.

December 19, 2014

Wind Chimes on the Patio

Wind Chimes on the Patio

MELBOURNE, FL #LivingIt #FourthWall … and Relationships and the Dance of Life.

10:15 AM

(Stepping outside the journal and addressing the Fourth Wall.)

I don’t want my previous post to be too dissuasive of deep spiritual growth—that the life of a Mystic dooms one to a solitary existence.

Once a loved one becomes “acclimated” to your quirks—presence, vocabulary, and most importantly, your values—the relationship will settle down to a more comfortable level. Your friends and loved ones will learn to either accept your unique behavior and opinions—or they will simply avoid the relationship. Think Phoebe on the show Friends—she doesn’t get asked to explain herself all the time, to her friends she’s “just Phoebe.”

No, the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is a symptom of new relationships (and I consider dropping in on parents whom you normally don’t spend a lot of time with, a “new” relationship).

Nothing to be too concerned with. The cost is definitely worth the benefits of a deep intimacy with the Divine.

11:55 AM

I sat on the patio, eating a slice of pizza, mesmerized and awed by an intricate and delicate dance. A small cluster of gnat-sized insects—who were completely invisible and unknown just moments before—were suddenly illuminated by the sun peeking through the clouds, lit up and aglow, rendered visible by a dark and manicured hedge. They swirled and circled and spun about, intimately aware of each other, intimately joined in a complex three dimensional flowing celebration of life—a celebration of each other. There is a magic in the dance of animals, the beauty of the movements and patterns of an ageless and mysterious ritual.

Instinct? Of course it is, but to name something is not the same as explaining it… not the same as understanding it.

To know how to dance without being taught, to know how to interpret and interact with the movements of a thousand other partners simultaneously and spontaneously…. Instinct? Knowledge somehow encoded and separated and combined in seed and egg and passed on through genes and DNA sequencing? To know how to swirl and to fly and to shift in a three dimensional unified manner, a dance that is completely unique in its shifting patterns?

Man is capable of duplicating the DNA of other life forms, but when placed on a slide, the glob of DNA just sits there. It is only when the DNA is inserted into a living cell that it grows and reproduces and thrives.

Are we just the results of some random evolutionary programming? I think not. Our bodies are just the machine, the physical burka we must all wear, but we are so much more than just a physical shell.

The tiny gnat-like creatures swirled and danced and celebrated. They are aware of each other—of their place in the Dance. The Light archetype—the Love archetype—moves and shines and sees through them. It brings life to them all.

The dance of Life is magic. The dance of Life is evidence of the Divine—evidence of an Intelligence silently and lovingly working behind the scenes of the physical realm we find ourselves in.

And of this dance? Oh, I am so awed and deeply grateful.