November 23, 2014

It's All AND's

It’s All AND’s

EAST OF GOULD, OK #VanDwelling #MiracleLog #HealingThing #NoSelf #MyLove … and drifting like Forrest Gump’s feather.

3:47 AM

A noise startled me awake and a bright light pierced the darkness of the van and a surge of adrenaline shot through me. A cop? A thief? That killer on the loose I read about on the news?

A moment later, the fogginess of sleep cleared and I realized I wasn’t camped out in the desert but at a Walmart and the light was just the street lights shining between my curtains.

There is no way today’s popular spiritual teachers are “blissed out” 24/7. No way anyone could have experienced calm clarity in this situation while the mind is confused from sleep.

I wish today’s teachers weren’t so opaque about their lives. To imply 24/7 bliss is like a lie by omission.

But then as I’ve learned the hard way, transparency—at least for the spiritual—appears too normal. It doesn’t sell.

8:25 AM

Looking for coffee in this quiet town, I sat at a red light while a flock of birds, off to my right, gently floated and swirled about, playing in the easterly wind. Just then, a small, soft, white feather drifted across my windshield, hovered a moment, then floated off across the street, reminding me of the opening scene from Forrest Gump. The light turned green and I pulled through the empty intersection feeling as charmed and lucky and grateful as Forrest himself.

11:00 AM

I’ve stopped at a picnic area overlooking Palo Duro Canyon, which is interesting in that you travel across all this vast, flat, and open farmland when you suddenly come across it.

My father’s clogged artery seems to have mysteriously unclogged, but his leaky heart valve is still leaky. Thankfully, he’s decided to live with it, as the risks of surgery at his age are too great. Since there’s no hurry to rush back to Florida, I’ve decided to try to avoid the interstates as much as possible and take any scenic routes which call to me as I come across them.

It’s a pleasant feeling to be drifting like Forrest’s feather—with a clear destination but no pre-defined path.

3:44 PM

Tired from fighting the relentless wind, I pulled down a dirt road and found a place to park. I sat in my easy chair, pulled away the me-contraction and stared out over the long brown grass waving in the wind. As usual, without boundaries, everything I gaze at feels at once both outside and inside of me. There’s a joining, a merging, a blending that is so hard to describe. The sound of the wind blowing through the hollow tubes of my roof rack, the slight shivering of the van buffeted by the wind, the ache in my neck and shoulders from driving too much… it is all me and Her and Us. Inside and outside.

It’s all AND’s: I, She, We, Other, Me… it’s all made of the same stuff. Separate AND one. Different AND the same. It’s not a mental exercise at all. It’s beyond it. It is an experience of the Divine Herself.

It’s not a permanent state—I have to consciously pull the me-contraction away—but it’s easy enough to slip into.

There’s a storm coming. Maybe I’ll spend the night here.

6:04 PM

I just read Michelle’s latest blog post. In it, she confesses one of her deepest fears: Her feelings of anxiety in relationships. I’m so proud of her. She’s walking it. She’s putting her fears out there for the world to see and in doing so, is distancing herself from them. Fading Toward Enlightenment had the same effect on me: Practically unintentionally I ended up writing about myself from both the first and third person perspectives (early duplex personality?). The confessing of my past and fears had the affect of distancing me-the-witness from me-the-story.

And the exact same thing is happening with Michelle. You can see her no longer exclusively identifying with her fears, her thoughts, or her emotions. Michelle-as-the-witness is starting to become more stable.

This “distancing effect” is one of the reasons why I think I’ll require any future students to blog about their lives (though possibly anonymously at first).

November 22, 2014

Desolation at Dawn

Desolation at Dawn

HEREFORD, TX #Remember #Surrender  #MiracleLog … and a missed whisper

6:43 AM

I awoke on a vast empty plain of utter nothingness. The overcast sky in the pre-dawn light matched my mood of despondence. What a failure I am. I have completely failed at making a living on the spiritual path: I’ve failed in my teaching. I’ve failed at inspiring. I’ve failed in my writing.

The vast nothingness of the desert plain reflected these thoughts and filled me with despair.

But as my mind cleared from the grogginess of sleep, I saw through the key false assumption of these dark, depressing thoughts just as the sun crested the horizon.

Every one of these thoughts is about a false me-thing. A me-thing made completely of illusions. Made completely of thoughts.

Every one of them is about results stemming from self-concern.

With a clear mind, I let all those thoughts drop into the nothingness, pulled away the self-contraction and expanded… and saw the Present for what it really was: a beautiful dawn of a new day.

11:49 AM

I drove a long, boring stretch to Clovis, NM to do some wash. I was surprised to see the laundromat largely empty on a Saturday.

On the drive here, I thought about how the trying in my life often leads to discontent. While the desire for a better life is key in growth, and the desire to express one’s creativity is key to a sense of worthiness, the attachment to results—the trying—is a key to suffering. I want to remember this.

Another thing I want to remember, and I practiced this on the drive, is to see Her in all living things. As I wrote in Fading Toward Enlightenment:

We had been One, but now no more, my weakness – simple desire. By wanting more, we split in two. I the Ego and She the World. I apart from She.

Or as Leona Lewis sang:

I live through you and you through me.

2:10 PM

I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant that had great reviews online. The waitress brought me the wrong order, a smaller, lighter fare. Without thinking, I said this isn’t what I ordered and she said, “Oh! I don’t know why I brought you this.”

Like a fool I didn’t listen to Her whisper because when the meal I ordered arrived it was tasteless and heavy and left me feeling a little ill.

November 17, 2014

The Light Behind

The Light Behind

MORRISTOWN, AZ #MiracleLog #Surrender … and an unexpected change in plans.

8:40 AM

The purpose of the bold text is to make it easy to scan these long posts. I don’t expect you to read every word or every paragraph. I do the bolding for as much my benefit as yours.

On another note, as I mentioned yesterday, I want to watch/listen to that song I See You as a daily reminder of the Divine incarnate and my desire to feel one with Her. A few minutes ago I did just that, but—instead of watching the video—I sat and stared out at the desert as the wind would make the limbs on the bushes and the stalks of the grass sway and pulsate while the early morning sunlight danced across the leaves.

I see you…

That melody of the song, the meaning of the song, combined with the visuals of the real world were beautiful. They were inspiring.

I’ll have to do that more often.

2:13 PM

I didn’t really need supplies, but I found myself breaking camp for some unknown reason (ala the trait as mentioned in yesterday’s entry). Just before I started the engine, I get an email from Mom saying Dad needs some work done on his heart (he’s 80) and she needs some cataract surgery and is only comfortable driving in places she’s familiar with and I wondered if maybe I should head to FL for the winter. (Note: My brother lives 3 hours south of them by car, 45 minutes by his nifty little plane, so they aren’t without some family support.)

I had planned to head down there for next winter.

I refilled my water cans and purchased some supplies in Wickenburg, then tried to find the camp I had stayed at during the winter of ’09 but missed it by about 5 miles. Oddly, no one else is camped out here so I’m wondering if they (you know, “them”) don’t allow camping on state lands anymore. Plenty of primitive fire rings—which is usually a good sign—so I’ll stay at least the night and see if I have a clearer picture of what my next moves are going to be.

3:30 PM

After a short walk, after contemplating the enormity of the “coincidence” (I started this blog a few days ago and it is all about my willingness to surrender my life to Her and then this comes up), I came to the obvious conclusion that I’m to head back to Florida once again. I think this is the fourth unexpected time in five years. At least this time around it is during the pleasant winter months rather than the miserably humid summers, so I’m grateful for that.

Surrender your will to me, Wayne.

November 16, 2014

Not As Scary As It Appears

Not As Scary As It Appears

CONGRESS, AZ #MiracleLog #Journaling #MyLove #Death #Soul … and Magical Reminders.

9:52 AM

My plan is to write or record entries for this journal in real-time (in either Ulysses or my phone’s voice recorder) then clean them up the next morning just prior to uploading them to the site. As I was adding links to yesterday’s post, I “coincidentally” (and I see powerful synchronicities such as this as evidence of TaoGodHer) stumbled across an old post called The Beloved from way back in 2010, less than six months after my awakening experience. The synchronicity, the evidence that I am on the right track, was the video at the bottom of that post (previously mentioned) Leona Lewis singing I See You in Avatar.

If you take that song, not as a song between two people, but a song of a devotee to their God, then it takes on a much deeper meaning.

Every morning I receive an email to renew my Vow of NonAbuse. I have my profile set this way because I like to be reminded of how I wish to be. I think I’ll set a little daily reminder for myself to also watch that video, I See You, since really, that too is how I wish to be.

We all need reminders. As I wrote to reader Phil this morning on a powerful spiritual experience he had:

But, and this is something I tell Michelle all the time: Don’t expect this to be a permanent experience (who can stay focused on one thing all their life?), but expect it to flow in and out of awareness. The less you hold onto it—ironically—the more stable it becomes.

Who can stay focused on one thing all their life? I sure as hell can’t. Which is why I need the reminders.

10:56 AM

Crap. I had thought to hold off on announcing this journaling project for a week (to better get the kinks worked out and be very, very sure I wanted to actually go forward with it), but when I uploaded yesterdays post a few minutes ago, it was immediately shared on Facebook and Google+ (via a WordPress plugin). Not my intention, but I see these sort of things as Her intention, so… so there it is.

12:07 PM

Walking down a dusty road, lost in thought but with that Avatar song playing in my head, I—completely beyond my control—turned left toward my rig and immediately felt a sharp, piercing sting on my big toe and looked down and saw I had stepped on a thorn which had gone right through my flip-flop just as Leona sang “I see you….”

Lost in thoughts. Sharp pain…

I see you.

I stopped and I smiled and as I pulled out the thorn, I pulled out my thoughts and I pulled out the portal/self-contraction and I saw Her everywhere—I felt Her everywhere

And it was beautiful and I felt blessed.

I see you.

A thorn in the toe to distract me from my thoughts and immerse me in the Divine. As I said above just two hours ago: I need these little reminders.

Note: The “completely beyond my control” thing occurs most often when the less there is of you inside provides space for TaoGodHer to fill in the gaps. Though I have numerous examples of this on my blog (this is a good one), you can see my student Michelle’s first public posting of a similar experience here. These experiences, this interactive intimacy with the Divine, is why I so often say,

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

1:17 PM

Oy. I just received this email from Michelle:

@your new blog…why do you expect to be dead in two years? Are you serious? Is it the money situation? An exercise in surrender?

I guess I had hoped to simply imply my intentions and be done with it, but I guessed wrong. Here’s the deal: When I run out of money, I’m offing myself.

There, that wasn’t so bad. And don’t go calling someone to have me committed either, or I’ll have to stop posting where my camps are.

I often find it funny that practically everyone I cross paths with, whether physically or virtually, has a higher regard for my life than I do.

I live. I die. I merge with Her. I get pulled out. I swear to do whatever it takes to merge with Her once again, and I come back. (See my book The Implications of the Soul).

I’ve done this a thousand times and will probably have to do it a thousand more before I get it right. It’s no big deal.

The Dalai Lama, who’s also big on reincarnation, once remarked on his inevitable demise,

I’m kind of looking forward to death. I want to see how I do.

My sentiments exactly. I’m in no hurry, but I’m not going to put up much of a fight either.

The contemplation of death though, is a key aspect of this phase of my life—of this practice. To really let go of the self—to truly merge with Heryou have to truly not care if you live or die. You have to let go of even the attachment to life.

Using my bank balance as an indicator of my time remaining on this planet is what I call The Gas Gauge of Life (or of Death depending on what I’m focusing on at the time). It was a key factor in my initial awakening. Why? Because I had given up. I had realized I was almost out of time and I gave up on trying to find enlightenment, when Bam! within days I met my Frog Master and the rest is history.

I recently quit my freelance programming position and, when NonAbusers met so much resistance with my readers, I pretty much said, “I’m done.” Meaning, “I’m done working. I’m done trying to convince anyone of my viewpoint. I’m done trying to make a difference. I’m done trying to extend my life. I am done.”

And dropping all those self-imposed burdens felt goooood.

It was eye-opening.

It led directly to the creation of this Journal.

As I said in the Introduction, I’ve got about two years of funds socked away, so there’s no imminent danger of this journal just suddenly coming to an end (though it might, even you don’t have as long to live as you probably hope).

So don’t worry. Two years is a long time for things to go right.

Important Note: DO NOT off yourself because of depression! There are plenty of resources to help with this. Depression is temporary and treatable. So get help, feel better and get on with your life. What I’m talking about above are quality of life issues—a whole different animal.