Messiah Complexes

Wall Buddhas

Wall Buddhas


February 1, 2015 11:40 AM

I’ve decided to create seasonal ebooks of this diary rather than monthly versions, so the next installment of A Mystic’s Journal should be available in early April and not later this week as I had originally intended.

Reasons: Time, simplicity, value to the reader… plus, as a nomad, seasonal-centric activities are auspicious (I love that term: Auspicious).

11:46 AM

I had an insight the other day, and a lot of emails, feedback, and just feelings have been supporting it:

God speaks to the individual, not the masses.

I think it is natural for Mystics to make this mistake, that what the Divine says to them is applicable to everyone—after all it’s easy to get cocky when God talks to you directly.

The evidence, however, supports the contrary. The evidence indicates that Her message is for the Mystic personally and isn’t directed at everyone else.

She told Moses A, Buddha B, Christ C, Mohammed D, …. She tells me one thingAdyashanti another, Tolle something else, Rumi this, and Dave that.

Each Mystic says, “This is the Truth,” but really, what we should be saying is, “This is what She told me. This is what I believe is the Truth.

Big difference.

Still, when you get below all the noise, every Mystic seems to agree on one thing:

There is an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving Intelligence behind everything.

All “truths” after this core Truth are simply the Light being bent by the mind of the Mystic.

These lower-case truths are not lies, nor even half-truths. They are truths individualized involuntarily by the Mystic’s mind. The Mystic thinks he is speaking the Ultimate Truth, never realizing that his mind is required to bend and distort it in order for him to realize it.

In order for the Light to manifest, it has to be bent by the mind. The Truth is going to be distorted by the Mystic’s culture, beliefs, gender, shadow material, and personal history.

The Light, to be understood and described, has to come through the individual mind. Because of this, there is simply no one-size-fits-all Divine Message (as any religion, cult, or spiritual movement would have you believe).

This sounds kind of dark and cynical, but on the contrary, the experience—how it feels—is exactly the opposite: It feels intimate. God speaks to us personally and individually, lovingly and one-on-One.

A deep, intimate relationship with the Divine. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Transparency and Wormholes and Light

The Fountain

The Fountain

MELBOURNE, FL#LivingIt #Radiance #MyLove #Technique

January 23, 2015 9:00 AM

I saw an article this morning about the possibility that dark matter in our galaxy may be an indicator of a wormhole (I’m always looking for evidence to support my HDI theory):

[Some scientists now] propose that dark matter is a sort of “extra dimension” woven into space-time.

Sounds like HDI to me (HDI = Higher Dimensional Interaction).

A wormhole would open up the possibility of interstellar travel and that got me thinking that if I lived on an alien world somewhere and visiting Earthlings showed up and were transparent and truthful about their civilization… well, I think I’d put up a “No Trespassing” sign and wouldn’t allow them to land.

Cut my head off because I think differently than you do? No thanks. You guys are barbarians. Please move along.

When it comes to interactions with others, it seems to me the lack of transparency only benefits the seller—the one who wants something from you. It’s to their benefit to hide negative information at the cost of your detriment.

Would the American Indians have welcomed the Europeans if they knew how poorly the Europeans treated their neighbors back home? Somehow I doubt it.

That lack of transparency by the Europeans (the sellers) cost the American Indians gravely—it cost them their lives.

Seems to me today’s spiritual seeker is unknowingly in a similar situation. It might not cost the student their life, but since the quest for enlightenment can take decades of practice, the teacher they select may be their only shot at awakening. Is what they are being sold—the lifestyle of their teacher—the complete and transparent truth about that lifestyle? Is it the whole truth?

I may be a Mystic, but I’m a rational one. Give me evidence—transparency—any day.

January 23, 2015 3:06 PM

I sat in the mall and just watched. Soon, in a way much like Neo experiences the Matrix, I could see all the people, strolling along and shopping, as patterns moving around inside the vast ocean of Light.

The archetypes bend their minds and their minds bend the Light and the Light—bent and contracted— coalesces as a person.

Life is beautiful when seen this way.

It’s all Love. It’s all Light. It’s all Divine.

The Light Within All



MELBOURNE, FL — #MyLove #Radiance #Emptiness #Remember

January 12, 2015 2:14 PM

We got Dad back from rehab today (finally), so after we get him settled in, instill some new (healthier) habits, and get his outpatient schedule down, Mom should feel less stressed and overwhelmed. It will be a little tricky for a few days, but this phase of their lives—like all phases of life—will effortlessly find its groove.

I’ve been spending more and more time just looking at things—natural things. Just now, as I type this on the patio, there’s a squirrel poking around in the grass, standing from time to time on his hind legs as he tries to recall where he hid those nuts last week. The leaves high up in the trees rustle as a breeze blows through. A small bird, silhouetted against the overcast sky, alights upon a thin branch.

All are filled with the Light, with the life force, with TaoGodHerLike prisms, each bends the Light into a unique form: the form of grass or squirrel or tree or bird—each with its own personality and nature.

Too mystical? Maybe, but both common sense and modern science tells us there are no real boundaries, no borders. That separation is really just a mental concept. There are only currents, only patterns, only movement, all made up of One Thing.

What makes me a Mystic is that I recognize this “One Thing” as intelligent. Everything is just a current in the grand Ocean of Light. Everything consists entirely of TaoGodHer.

By extension then, every man, woman and child is a single current of this Ocean of Light—this vast, all encompassing Intelligence. Each person is TaoGodHer bent by the individual mind creating a unique human being… a unique personality.

If I can #Remember this—that at each person’s core is the Light—then maybe it will be easier to love them for their Light… even if I don’t agree with their mind-based actions.


Gazing Off Into The Distance

Gazing Off Into The Distance

MELBOURNE, FL — #Death #MyLove #Soul #Surrender

January 9, 2015 12:23 AM

I spent most of the morning just sitting in the park.

After the recent insight stormI feel both directionless and in doubtIs the book on Mystical Oneness what I should be doing with my last days? Is it going to be any more effective at spreading my message (Divine is real. You live forever. Less of you = more of Her…) than all the books and blogging I’ve been writing and sharing over the last 10 years (ie: practically zero)? Should I change direction? Should I throw in the Towel of Trying and just drift away into the sunset? (Quite frankly, after watching Wild yesterday, that last option has a lot of appeal.)

I even scanned through 100 People Who Changed The World for some inspiration, but didn’t get inspired. The exercise felt both grandiose and futile.

Maybe society isn’t ready for my message. Maybe what I have to say isn’t interesting enough, or tangible enough, or practical enough. Maybe there’s too much noise in the world to be heard over all the din. Maybe my message is too embarrassing for my readers to share.

What should I do with my time remaining?

I guess I just need to wait. Wait for Her whispers. Wait for some direction.

That, or just drift.

01/03/2015: The Witness of Forever

Seagulls Awhirl

Seagulls Awhirl

MELBOURNE, FL — #Death #Soul #MyLove

9:24 AM

As I fell asleep last night, I wondered where I’d go when I dreamed.

In the dream, I was there, but all my memories were gone.

In the dream, I recognized my brother, but had no memory of my mother.

In the dream, I was the Witness to the whirlwind of the mind/dream.

In the dream, I felt the same as I do outside the dream.

In the dream, I had the same values.

In the dream, I was the same “me.”

Every dream I’ve ever had was like this. The whirlwind is different—just as it is in waking life—but I-as-the-still-point-in-the-center-of-the-storm am always the same. I am always the same.

I suspect it’s like this for everyone.

I’m certain that when this body dies, I-as-the-still-point will continue on. Just like in a dream. Just like in the waking state.

And just like in the dream, when I take on a new life, I’ll have no memories of my mother (or brother or anyone else from this life)… but I will still be the same. I’ll still have the same values. I’ll still feel like me.

I am the still point in the center of the ever changing Tao.

I am the Witness of Forever.

Everyone is.

The whirlwinds are different, the center of our storms are located in different places, but we’re all the same—a still point amidst the ever changing Tao.

We’re all Witnesses of Forever.

At the center of our whirlwinds, we are all the eyes of TaoGodHer perceiving Herself.

01/01/2015: The Fleeting

A Rainy Day View

A Rainy Day View

MELBOURNE, FL — #Soul #MyLove

12:44 PM

It’s all temporary. Nothing is worth taking seriously. It’s all fleeting and will soon return to the Source—to TaoGodHer.

I thought the above as I walked through the parking lot to pick up some supplies. I know it sounds morbid, but when you live forever, you learn to appreciate these little moments—these little things.

Recognizing my eternity while observing the temporary. How can one not see the Beauty?

The Joy of Eternal Being… I’m finding it to be an excellent practice.

12/29/2014: The Joy and the Eternal

Life in the Fast Lane

Life in the Fast Lane

MELBOURNE, FL — #LivingIt #Technique #Soul #MyLove

10:13 AM

As I walked from my van to the coffee shop, I thought about living forever and my eyes fell upon a tiny plant peeking up out of the asphalt and I felt such happiness for it. Odd connection? Maybe not.

The Joy of Eternal Being: When I remember this—when I remember to practice—at first I find myself focusing on the Joy part, but—realizing I’m not joyful by default and I’m not experiencing joy—I find that just shifting my focus to the Eternal part often instills joy automatically.

I’m Eternal. This isn’t a belief for me anymore. The research and the visions and the memories have convinced me. Much as Michelle recently posted, I see the Wayne-thing as just an object inside of me. The Wayne-thing will die, but me-as-the-Vastness (the container of the Wayne-thing) can’t. know I’m eternal.

So when I focus on me-as-Eternal—when I focus on living forever—I feel the Joy automatically, simply because all of this—this experience of the moment—is so fleeting and temporary that it feels like it needs to be appreciated.

Now I’m not talking about “needs” as in I should do thisbut needs as in this Moment is alive (that Everything-is-Alive archetype again) and it needs to be observed and appreciated in order to somehow live and thrive.

She is alive in this moment and is so very glad to be seen and recognized. Like a toddler smiling up at you, She loves being seen and recognized.

And who doesn’t feel Joy when a toddler smiles up at you?

Weird, I know.

Please don’t have me committed.

2:15 PM

I sat in the van in the park and watched Her shining through the grass.

After posting the previous entry, I visited Dad in the rehab center, then grabbed a bite to eat in the mall. While walking through the mall, I again did the Joy of Eternal Being practice and I at once detached from the body and glided through the mall while simultaneously experiencing the mall (and all its occupants) inside of me.

It’s a paradox… and—because it lies beyond the mind—it is beautiful because of it.

In the mall, and at an outlet store later, I futilely shopped for some Hawaiian shirts. Even in Florida—in 83 degree, hot, sticky, and humid weather—I came up empty-handed.

So I surrendered and drove to the park and sat in the van and pulled away the me-contraction and watched as She lit up a field of grass from within.

The first time I ever saw Her was when I dropped my first hit of acid back in 1999. Though I would often feel Her later, I don’t think I actually saw Her again until after I woke up.

I once told a psychologist friend of mine, Ellen Fox, that I think LSD acts to remove a built-in filtering mechanism that has evolved in our brains—a filter designed to make us self-aware, to create a survival instinct so that we don’t sit there ogling the wonderful colors of the grass while a saber-tooth tiger happily sniffs at our toes. I explained that I think that LSD doesn’t necessarily produce hallucinations as much as it reveals raw Truth (though some just aren’t ready to handle raw Truth, ergo the “bad trip”). I was surprised when Ellen agreed with me. This probably explains why LSD doesn’t affect me anymore, as the filter seems to get removed during the waking process (see Ram Dass on finding his guru).

I doubt Fundamental Nondualist experience this “raw Truth.” Their writing is just too dry, too nihilistic to be a reflection of what it’s like to experience God directly.

God doesn’t lie in the mind… She lies beyond it.

12/28/2014: Doing What You Love

The Fog and the Light

The Fog and the Light

MELBOURNE, FL — #Writing #MyLove

1:50 PM

Yesterday, reader Nathan was asking about my doubts and motivations when it comes to writing. What got me thinking was when he asked, “Did you ever ask the question how will it work out?

I used to. Back when I was trying. When I was trying to be a writer, I used to ask that question a lot. (“Writer” = Identity = “Me” = Very Important).

No more though. Now I write because I love to write. Thinking back on this, practically everything I’m good at, I love doing. Which isn’t too hard to understand really—nothing mystical at all here: What you love to do, you do more of it, so you naturally get better at it… and if you stick with it, you get good at it—maybe even great at it.

I no longer write with a goal of success in mind. I write because whatever it is—the subject of what I’m writing about—feels like it needs to be written. Ditto my photography. I’m not looking to be a success in my photography, I just love taking pictures, and sometimes the subjects of my photos feel like they want to be taken. Like they need to be taken.

Ironically, this screw-success-do-what-you-love attitude is reflected in my current spiritual practice. After my initial awakening five or so years ago, I deeply wanted to be a successful teacher and that was reflected in my blog and other works. This Wayne-the-teacher attitude/identity has faded quite a bit over the years, but it was only recently—with my deep disenchantment with the world (and a key reason for starting this journal)—that I’ve finally given up the idea of success… on convincing or selling this stuff to others.

Now I’m (paradoxically selfishly since my practice is all about selflessness) focused more on what I really love: TaoGodHer and my relationship with Her. Consequences be damned, I’m doing what I want.

That sounds kind of cold and cynical, but when you look at it, maybe there’s (unintentionally) more to this than at first appears. People seem to like my writing and photography, so maybe this doing-it-for-the-simple-love-of-TaoGodHer will have a similar effect.

3:13 PM

Re-reading the above, I’m struck once again with how the Everything-Is-Alive archetype (for lack of a better phrase) keeps appearing in my awareness. As the I-thing dies/dissolves, TaoGodHer starts to suffuse things and thoughts: The Light/Dark archetypes; the insights needing to be written; the objects wanting to be photographed.

This isn’t a mental thing for me. It’s not a theory or an explanation or a philosophy. It’s a real thing, an experienced thing.

Everything—not just things, but even concepts—feels alive. Everything feels suffused with Her essence.

12/26/2014: Her Whispers

Two Docks. One River.

Two Docks. One River.

MELBOURNE, FL — #MiracleLog #MyLove

7:45 AM

From Michelle’s Google+ post and my response just now:

Michelle: 12 hours ago

Merry Christmas to you too Wayne. 🙂 I hope you enjoy your time with your family.

I get this sense a few times in the last day or so, that the Michelle thing is like another creature living in me, whatever me is, maybe that space, and that her will is interfering with the greater will.

Wayne: 1 second ago

Then follow that thru.

If the Michelle’s will is interfering with the greater will, then practice…

  • Listening and watching for Her will/whispers
  • Surrendering Michelle’s will to Her will
  • Monitor how you feel and what results

I wonder if she’ll experience Her whispers as I do? Somehow I doubt it. I suspect everyone will hear Her wisdom and guidance in their own way, much as everyone seems to see their God in a unique way.

The learning curve is tough though. Learning to tell the difference from egoic fear and Her whispers to hold off on some action is tricky.

An example from this morning: My mind said, based on visual evidence, that no one was near my van and it was alright to exit it (I was camped stealthily), but She whispered (with that nauseous feeling), “Wait,” so I waited. Moments later, a woman walking her dog came around the corner and passed right by my rig.

I’ve learned from trial and error how to distinguish the differences between egoic versus Divine advice, but Michelle hasn’t the experience yet—and other than this word of caution, I doubt there is much more I can do to alleviate the bumps and bruises that Old Man Wisdom demands.

The smart have their books. The wise have their scars.

12/24/2014: The Enlightened Jesus

Ornaments Up Close

Ornaments Up Close

MELBOURNE, FL — #FourthWall #Journaling #LivingIt #MyLove #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #Surrender

10:38 AM

[Addressing the Fourth Wall]:

One of the reasons I so love ebooks is the ability to highlight text and easily find and read those passages later.

In the spirit of Christmas, here are a few (only a small portion) of the text I highlighted from Resurrecting Jesus.

Note: On some of the passages, I highlighted them in order to remind me of lessons and practices, while others I highlighted because they reflected my personal experiences with awakening and kind of surprised me, ie: the “download” of information, the trials and tribulations, the radiance, the engagement (bringing it to life), the relinquishment (what I’m going through now), ….

…Jesus the revolutionary mystic, the one who is actually courageous enough to move through life guided and inspired by the dynamic of his spiritual essence.

Spiritual autonomy is knowing who and what you are—knowing that you are divine being itself, knowing that the essence of you is divinity. You are moving in the world of time and space, appearing as a human being, but nonetheless you are eternal, divine being, the timeless breaking through and operating within the world of time. To Jesus, spirit is everything.

He is the living presence of divine being. He’s a human being too, but he’s here to convey divine being…

…awakening people to eternal life, to discovering divine being within themselves.

…he wanted to break down the lines of separation between people, between heaven and earth, between human and divine.

So the whole Jesus story, ultimately, is the map of a journey that happens within us. It’s an invitation to live out the radiance that’s revealed when we have the courage to step beyond anything and everything that separates us.

Life is this simple: we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time. This is not just a nice story or a fable, it is true. — THOMAS MERTON

My own spiritual development has shown me that we’re all, in essence, the divine radiance of pure being and that we also have our human side: our good days and our not-so-good days. Our human condition is reflected in the great humanity of Jesus, and I believe this is one of the reasons that so many people have felt so deeply connected to Jesus over the centuries.

…but the beauty of the story is in how it reveals that sense of eternity, that still point in the midst of difficulty, that divinity shining through the latticework of time and space.

Jesus is saying that the Kingdom of Heaven is right here, in the place where he’s undergoing his trials, and men do not see it. The beauty of the Jesus story is that he did see eternity while here on this earth; he was eternity, divine being at his core and in his substance.

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

That sense of something unchanged is the eternal spark within.

From that state of voidness, after a while a download of insight began—literally hundreds of insights per second downloaded into my system. Just as you download a program on your computer, spirit or divine being was downloading insights into me, many more than I could actually keep up with. This descent of spirit was just as depicted in the Jesus story.

There are many degrees of awakening, but all awakening has as its common denominator a shift from seeing ourselves as a separated, isolated human being to seeing ourselves as that which we all share. You can call it consciousness, divine being, spirit, God. Many words can be used, but it’s the experience that matters.

At some point after awakening—sometimes very soon, sometimes not for quite a while—you reach a stage that I call “trials and tribulations.”

It’s almost as if life says, in order to deal with this situation properly, you are going to have to respond to it from that place of realization, from your deepest nature to which you’ve awakened. If you go back into your ego or into your conditioned mind to respond, it simply won’t work, and turmoil will ensue.

This is an amazing teaching, and it’s message is: if you meet your trials and tribulations from your own deepest realization, they will be released from your system and purified from you, so that eternal being can fully be embodied through your humanity.

When this unification occurs, there’s a simplicity to life, a deep sense of freedom and essential well-being and also of fearlessness.

Where there was abiding tranquility, what awakens now is sense of an extraordinary vitality, of life-force. It’s as if the fullness of your being is radiating, and from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, you feel this very deep and powerful radiance.

…and then you’re infused with this impersonal vitality and radiance, very often it signals that there’s something more in store. There will be another phase of your life, a phase not just of abiding tranquility, but also of radiant engagement.

When transfiguration occurs, we begin to move with what I call “spiritual autonomy.” By spiritual autonomy, I mean a kind of certainty—not an egoic certainty, but one that comes from your essential nature, from the level of divine being. We find this spiritual autonomy very clearly mirrored in the figure of Jesus. Jesus walks through his life knowing who he is and what he’s doing, even though his disciples don’t understand him, the authorities don’t understand him, and the Pharisees don’t understand him.

The next stage of the awakening journey is what I call “relinquishment.” In the story of Jesus, relinquishment is symbolized by the crucifixion. Ultimately, relinquishment is the experience of the death of ego. Awakening is the transcendence of ego; awakening doesn’t mean the ego is dead or even that it’s really gone anywhere. The awakening experience may change the nature of ego, making it more unified, more whole, but the ego is still there. Relinquishment is what spiritual teachers mean when they say, “die before you die.”

The kingdom of heaven is spread upon earth and men do not see it. When you see this, you shift from being a victim of your life and assigning blame for the tragedy you encounter. The truth, I would suggest, is that you poured yourself willingly into form out of infinite love in order to redeem the entirety of this life. When seen from that perspective, all of a sudden life looks very different. You stop holding back from life, your inner life or the life around you, because the kingdom of heaven is within and all around you. That’s the message of the Jesus story.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for following along on this journey.