12/22/2014: The Meaning of Life

The Fallen and Forgotten.

The Fallen and Forgotten.

MELBOURNE, FL — #MyLove #Remember

3:13 PM

I’m presently sitting in a Barnes & Noble and even though it is a workday, it’s packed with people desperately doing their last minute shopping.

I’m not sure this is what all of these people are thinking when it comes to celebrating the holidays, but the more I think of it, the more I think that the meaning of life is to be happy—to celebrate life wherever you find yourself.

I was telling Michelle the other day that the lesson of the gnat-like creatures is the key to transcending the seeming meaningless of life. Contemplating the Eternal qualities of our life often leads to a feeling of existential angst, of “What is the meaning of it all?”

But look at nature, at plants and animals. Most seem, at a minimum, content and often they seem quite happyThey aren’t burdened with our ability to contemplate “better” circumstances. The Light archetype naturally flows through them unhindered.

What if we didn’t have the ability to contemplate “something better?” Wouldn’t we naturally be as happy as the animals?

The present moment—Life right now. Maybe we don’t have to just accept it, that sounds kind of onerous. Maybe we can learn to celebrate it and be thankful. After all, it’s only our minds that stand in the way.

I want to #Remember this. I was born with a high degree of thinking/fixing/making better crap embedded into my psyche. I could use a little more joy-of-the-moment flavoring to sweeten my inherently hard nature.

Life isn’t meant to be fixed or manipulated or held on to. Life’s not meant to be rued in lieu of something better.

No, Life is meant to be celebrated. Life is meant to be enjoyed.

4:08 PM

[Insight]

Sitting here, looking out at all the people in the cafe. What is this thing that is trying to block the joy of the moment?

Self-concern (self-contraction, self-consciousness). The Dark ArchetypeSelf-concern is what gets in the way.

The Dark Archetype is so very subtle—yet so prevalent.

4:42 PM

[Insight]

Driving back to the condo (not home, I drive my home), I asked, what is blocking the Joy? Daydreaming, thinking. In a car, you’re not self-conscious, and usually not self-concerned. So what is it? Thinking of anything other than driving and your surroundings.

[Insight]

The meaning of life is to learn to see through the Darkness (mind) and into the Light (TaoGodHer).

What if we didn’t have the ability to contemplate “something better?”

December 11, 2014

Writing This Post

Writing This Post

MELBOURNE, FL #MyLove … and Mom

1:43 PM

This morning, after coffee and an english muffin with Mom, I found myself getting ready to head out. Mom asked why I was going and I replied how I just do what She tells me to do but it isn’t as if I hear God say, “Wayne, goeth thee out and part the Red Sea and smite the godless heathens and doeth righteous deeds and be blessed” or anything like that. I just find myself doing stuff before I even realize I’m doing it.

One thing I have noticed a lot lately is that it is exhausting constantly explaining myself. People always want to know why I do the weird things I do or think the weird things I think or feel the weird things I feel. I use to always have reasons for all my decisions or feelings or actions, but now I usually don’t have any reasons—at least any I can explain. You want to answer them, you don’t want to be rude or enigmatic or silent, but the duplex personality is almost like having a whole new set of sense organsHow do you explain the color fizule to someone who’s never seen fizule colored stuff before? It’s frustrating.

I signed up for health insurance today. Ended up going with a Blue Cross/Blue Shield plan. I had to play around with my expected income for next year to get it to accept me (yes, the Government rewards the precognitive). I figure I’ll earn next to nothing but I didn’t want to jump through the Medicaid hoops and I wanted a company that offered nationwide coverage to cover my nationwide nature. I’ll probably never use it but I went with a Silver level plan so I wouldn’t have to fork over a $6,000 deductible before getting any coverage (a common feature of the Bronze plans), so I’m paying about $11 a month and shouldn’t have to kill myself just because I break an arm or pass a kidney stone or get struck by lightning or wreck a motorcycle or am attacked by a sneaky ninja shark or a protective maternal alligator or a seriously big but very dumb barracuda or an entire pack of seemingly cognizant and evil waterspouts or blow a hole in my hand with a firecracker (the firecracker was just plain stupidity so that’s not likely to happen again). Wise men really do have scars.

As I was telling Mom last night, I don’t have any plans for my future. Right now, I’m just in growth mode and I have no interest in teaching or spiritual dialog or making an income or selling my books or my photos or extending my lifespan. This frustrates my mother to no end (yes, I am a 53 year old man who still can’t please his mother) who wants me to have a “plan for my future”, who wants me to “teach” and to “not give up on them” and to “be around people more” and to “sell my photos” and to “stop being selfish” and that the Gas Gauge of Death “just seems like quitting” so I say, “This is just a growth phase” and I stress the word phase and I imply that things may very well change (and they very well may change) but the truth of the matter is I have no clue if they will or not—nor do I care if they will or not—but the word phase seems to soothe her fears so I’m going to keep using it around her.

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness. I am the Eternal Loving Awareness. I am the Eternal Loving Awareness….”

November 29, 2014

Father & Daughter at the Parade

Father & Daughter at the Parade

COE CAMP, JACKSON, AL #MyLove #Remember #Radiance #Emptiness #MiracleLog and magical moments.

6:25 AM

He was a black man and he walked with a delicacy and respect for the uncertain ground he found himself on, a respect that comes with a body that no longer bends and twists like it did in younger years.

I lay on my side in bed and watched him out my van window as he readied his little boat for launching on the still waters of the bayou and I realized I was happy.

I felt this happiness deep in my heart, a joy for this man, a purity much in the way one feels when a toddler smiles innocently up at them for seemingly no reason at all.

I was happy for the man, who alone on this still and chilly morning, was doing what he loved.

And I was happy for myself, for in that moment, I realized that this Light entity, this Love archetype—God Herself—can be found not only in nature and not only in selfless actions, but in the lives of others doing what they love and it reminded me of those words I overheard in a little cafe in Taos as a young woman consoled a down and out man and told him not to worry, that, “… all the Universe wants is for you to be happy.”

I had been concerned with this trip, that all I would find on the East coast—with its overpopulation and materialism and selfishness and stress—would be more of that dark egoic entity—God unconscious.

I was worried about this darkness until this very morning when I saw the Light… moving within an old black man in Alabama, doing the things he loves.

3:42 PM

After driving for the day, I sat outside and smoked my pipe and started reading Adyashanti’s Resurrecting Jesus. I figured if I was going to take this mystical surrender stuff seriously, I might as well learn from the best (Jesus and Adya). Just as I read…

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

the wind suddenly picked up and leaves started to fall everywhere around me, and each leaf seemed to represent one of my past lives and I turned off the Kindle and sat and watched the falling leaves and I expanded and felt the Eternal-I that has always been a constant throughout this life and all my previous lives.

I felt I/She/We open and smile in recognition and gratitude and I was happy.

And the wind stopped. And the leaves settled. And the crickets resumed their chirping. And all was exactly as it had been.

And it was good.

November 28, 2014

COE Camp

COE Camp

COE CAMP, DEMOPOLIS, AL #Radiance #MyLove #VanDwelling

1:17 PM

I would have stayed longer at the Jeff Busby camp but I ran out of propane this morning and it’s too cold at night to be without it, so I moved as soon as I realized the heater wasn’t heating.

Again, while driving, I practiced seeing Her as a living entity—a single life force within everything. When my mind would drift into the me-me-me self concerns (Where will I find propane? Where will I find a camp? …) I would see these thoughts as a single dark living thing (Her unconscious) and I would stop “feeding” it as soon as I realized I was doing just that. The key was to not focus on any details, but just to see that my attention was either on the Light entity (life force) or on the Dark entity (egoic concerns).

Powerful stuff, especially when I pull away the Radiant portal. This might be some kind of turning point.

1:27 PM

I’m “camped” at a Corps of Engineers park. It’s ambiguous if it’s legal to camp here. Online it says “Yes,” but the only physical signage is about the boat ramp and a day-use area—no mention of camping. Still, whenever I find ambiguity, I tend to error on the side of risk/reward rather than caution/fear.

I love COE parks. They are almost always right on the water.

November 26, 2014

Fall Fallen

Fall Fallen

E OF MONTICELLO, AR #MyLove #Technique #Surrender #MiracleLog … and Spiral Dynamics.

4:20 PM

While I thought I’d take a day off from traveling, I found myself breaking camp and just went with it. While driving, I put the song I See You on repeat and focused on feeding the Love/Her archetype that I “discovered” yesterday (I invented the Internet too).

Powerful practice. It’s the details—the thoughts—which screw us up. If we could just focus on Love/Her as a living thing—as an invisible but shared commonality to all life (and feed that living thing by giving it our attention)—I believe humanity’s spiritual development would accelerate rapidly.

Earlier I had sent Nathan a link to Ken Wilber’s take on Spiral Dynamics. I hadn’t read up on this since the late ’90s when I was trying to piece all this stuff together (and trying to go from SD’s Green level to Yellow). What I found interesting this morning was the last part of the description of the Turquoise level:

Turquoise thinking uses the entire Spiral; sees multiple levels of interaction; detects harmonics, the mystical forces, and the pervasive flow-states that permeate any organization. 0.1% of the population, 1% of the power.

I never understood this back in the ’90s but now it’s pretty much my day-to-day life:

  • multiple levels of interaction: AND’s not OR’s
  • the mystical forces: Her and synchronicites
  • the pervasive flow-states: Less of “you” results in a flowing life

What’s also interesting is that the second tier levels are reflections of first tier levels just from a transpersonal perspective (Yellow is the transpersonal version of Beige, Turquoise of Purple, Coral of Red, …) and that the levels alternate between self-centric and social-centric (me -> us -> me -> us -> me -> …).

My point being that my recent Us-centric Turquoise (spiritual teacher) development has shifted to a more Me-centric Coral level (surrendering myself to Her). Note: The Coral level isn’t listed on the link above, but can be found on other sites.

This recent Me-centricity is all about my strong desire to rid myself of anything that stands between me and Her—very primal Red level stuff (me/ego) but seen from a transpersonal view (me/Her). Ie: A “do-or-die” “battle for” and “demand” to “surrender” my self-concern and self-will to a “Power God” (words in quotes reflect Red’s war-like terminology).

So my mysterious actions of late are starting to make more sense—they’re just a natural progression (albeit rare) of a recognized pattern of spiritual development.

Whew. I knew I wasn’t crazy.

5:51 PM

A funny/weird coincidence: As I was uploading this post to the website, my MiFi device (used to get me online in my travels) changed its status color from flashing green (4G) to solid red. I’ve never seen the red light before which just adds to the odds-defying nature of the “I was just writing about the Red and Coral levels of Spiral Dynamics.” Weird but true.

November 25, 2014

A Lego Bridge

A Lego Bridge

OUACHITA NF, AR #MyLove #VanDwelling #Surrender … and archetypes as living things.

10:31 AM

This morning, in a convenience store in Oklahoma, two employees—racists—were discussing the rioting in Ferguson, MO. They were filled with such vileness and hatred. Being white, apparently they expected me to feel the same way they did. Holding my tongue, I left in disgust.

I struggled with my anger during the long, lonely drive, determined to find a way through it… and then I did.

Instead of focusing on the details of the anger—the racists, my conflicting feelings about the rioting, my disenchantment with humanity in general—I focused on the archetype of Anger/Hatred. I saw it as a living force and that I was nurturing this force—feeding it—by focusing on the details (the racists, the riots, the apathy).

Once I saw Anger and Hatred as part of a much vaster archetype—as a living entity—it was much easier to stop feeding it.

As I drove, I looked out at the beauty and nature surrounding me and saw these things as an archetype also—the archetype of Life/Love.

And, while I drove, I chose to feed the Life/Love archetype—Her—instead.

And it was good.

2:48 PM

I drove over 200 miles today—more than I like—while mostly focusing on the Love archetype/living thing mentioned above (though occasionally slipping into ignorance while being tailgated on the winding mountain roads, blotting out all the Beauty I was driving through).

I made camp in a free campground in western Arkansas. I’ve got the place all to myself and the mystery truck has already driven by, so I don’t expect to be disturbed for the rest of the evening. I had hoped to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in this forest (the Ouachita), but Dad was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning having trouble breathing and Mom’s got my brother and I in a holding pattern until she knows more so I may not get my wish.

Surrender is not at all easy.

It’s been one of those clunky days.

3:19 PM

Back to those archetypes mentioned above: It would be easy to think of them as two separate things—the religious might call them Good and Evil, or God and the Devil—but really they are just opposite ends of the same thread (a saying I’m fond of from Seeing Clearly). I’m starting to think of these opposing life forces as the conscious and unconscious sides of TaoGodHer.

The Love (selfless) archetype is God Herself moving through us (consciously), and the Hate (selfish me-me-me) archetype is Ego (God unconscious) moving through us. Kind of fits in with the Perennial philosophy (or maybe it’s Hinduism, I don’t know, this is a diary, not a book) where the story goes that God, bored out of His mind all by his lonesome self, created the Universe and everything in it and then made Himself forget that He was all the separate things also (conscious = unity, unconscious = separation).

Fits in with the Genesis story that Man has free will and God’s not going to mess with it (Man’s ego = God’s unconscious).

I’m in 100% agreement with both stories—I like the way it all fits together so nicely.

The less there is of me-me-me (God unconscious), the more there is of Her (God conscious).

November 23, 2014

It's All AND's

It’s All AND’s

EAST OF GOULD, OK #VanDwelling #MiracleLog #HealingThing #NoSelf #MyLove … and drifting like Forrest Gump’s feather.

3:47 AM

A noise startled me awake and a bright light pierced the darkness of the van and a surge of adrenaline shot through me. A cop? A thief? That killer on the loose I read about on the news?

A moment later, the fogginess of sleep cleared and I realized I wasn’t camped out in the desert but at a Walmart and the light was just the street lights shining between my curtains.

There is no way today’s popular spiritual teachers are “blissed out” 24/7. No way anyone could have experienced calm clarity in this situation while the mind is confused from sleep.

I wish today’s teachers weren’t so opaque about their lives. To imply 24/7 bliss is like a lie by omission.

But then as I’ve learned the hard way, transparency—at least for the spiritual—appears too normal. It doesn’t sell.

8:25 AM

Looking for coffee in this quiet town, I sat at a red light while a flock of birds, off to my right, gently floated and swirled about, playing in the easterly wind. Just then, a small, soft, white feather drifted across my windshield, hovered a moment, then floated off across the street, reminding me of the opening scene from Forrest Gump. The light turned green and I pulled through the empty intersection feeling as charmed and lucky and grateful as Forrest himself.

11:00 AM

I’ve stopped at a picnic area overlooking Palo Duro Canyon, which is interesting in that you travel across all this vast, flat, and open farmland when you suddenly come across it.

My father’s clogged artery seems to have mysteriously unclogged, but his leaky heart valve is still leaky. Thankfully, he’s decided to live with it, as the risks of surgery at his age are too great. Since there’s no hurry to rush back to Florida, I’ve decided to try to avoid the interstates as much as possible and take any scenic routes which call to me as I come across them.

It’s a pleasant feeling to be drifting like Forrest’s feather—with a clear destination but no pre-defined path.

3:44 PM

Tired from fighting the relentless wind, I pulled down a dirt road and found a place to park. I sat in my easy chair, pulled away the me-contraction and stared out over the long brown grass waving in the wind. As usual, without boundaries, everything I gaze at feels at once both outside and inside of me. There’s a joining, a merging, a blending that is so hard to describe. The sound of the wind blowing through the hollow tubes of my roof rack, the slight shivering of the van buffeted by the wind, the ache in my neck and shoulders from driving too much… it is all me and Her and Us. Inside and outside.

It’s all AND’s: I, She, We, Other, Me… it’s all made of the same stuff. Separate AND one. Different AND the same. It’s not a mental exercise at all. It’s beyond it. It is an experience of the Divine Herself.

It’s not a permanent state—I have to consciously pull the me-contraction away—but it’s easy enough to slip into.

There’s a storm coming. Maybe I’ll spend the night here.

6:04 PM

I just read Michelle’s latest blog post. In it, she confesses one of her deepest fears: Her feelings of anxiety in relationships. I’m so proud of her. She’s walking it. She’s putting her fears out there for the world to see and in doing so, is distancing herself from them. Fading Toward Enlightenment had the same effect on me: Practically unintentionally I ended up writing about myself from both the first and third person perspectives (early duplex personality?). The confessing of my past and fears had the affect of distancing me-the-witness from me-the-story.

And the exact same thing is happening with Michelle. You can see her no longer exclusively identifying with her fears, her thoughts, or her emotions. Michelle-as-the-witness is starting to become more stable.

This “distancing effect” is one of the reasons why I think I’ll require any future students to blog about their lives (though possibly anonymously at first).

November 20, 2014

Warming To You

Warming To You

WEST OF SOCORRO, NM #MyLove #Surrender #Death … and the nature of cold snakes

7:09 AM

Already I am experiencing the benefits of this surrender—this practice. Every time I have a me-thought—a thought of self concern—I feel the contraction, the hardness, the darkness of “me.”

And in feeling the contraction, it reminds me and I surrender the me-worries and I’m immersed in Her being… in the Everything.

This immersion is such a wonderful and freeing experience in comparison to the me-thing with its doubts and self-concerns.

Meister Eckhart:

Whoever desires to be given everything, must first give everything away.

7:58 AM

Oops. I posted yesterday’s journal entry to my old blog which of course immediately sent emails of it, so when I posted to the new site it sent another duplicate email. Sorry about yesterday’s double posting.

8:02 AM

What the duplex personality (such a clunky phrase) often feels like is almost identical to what a long-term relationship feels like internally. You no longer are just one person, you are a person-plus. Practically every decision you make involves the other person even if it is just in your head or heart. You take your lover into consideration in almost everything you do or plan. Even though they may not be physically present, you hear their voice and feedback constantly in your thoughts.

See? I’m not so strange.

11:34 AM

I moved camp 20 miles to the east. Not much of a travel day, but I wanted to re-visit a camp I stayed at about a year and a half ago. Who knows, maybe I’ll never see it again.

The other day reader, Shawna commented that at Dad’s age, “you never know when it may be the last time you see them.” For years, whenever I say goodbye, I like to keep that thought present, that I may never see this person again. Sounds morbid, but it makes clear just how temporary this mortal shell is, and not to take it for granted.

And speaking of death, while driving up the rugged dirt road to my new camp, I came across a snake lying in the road. Since he didn’t move as I rolled up to him, I thought he was dead, but on closer inspection he was just lethargic from last night’s cold temperatures. I snapped his portrait and left him to tan in peace.

3:10 PM

Reader Carmen had recently asked about surrender (as in going with the flow of life) and my need for isolation. These are really a couple different things. What I mean by surrender is the surrender of my self-concern. When I surrender in this way, life tends to flow along wonderfully—as if the Divine Herself is guiding things. I see this “if surrender then flow” pattern as more evidence of Her existence.

But surrender doesn’t have anything to do with isolation. I love solitude and I use it to strengthen my practice. I feel that in order to grow spiritually, solitude is very useful since it allows us to acquire new skills without the distraction of having to explain ourselves to others.

On the other hand, social interaction is very important to help us integrate these new skills and reveal our weaknesses and attachments (spiritual knots).

November 16, 2014

Not As Scary As It Appears

Not As Scary As It Appears

CONGRESS, AZ #MiracleLog #Journaling #MyLove #Death #Soul … and Magical Reminders.

9:52 AM

My plan is to write or record entries for this journal in real-time (in either Ulysses or my phone’s voice recorder) then clean them up the next morning just prior to uploading them to the site. As I was adding links to yesterday’s post, I “coincidentally” (and I see powerful synchronicities such as this as evidence of TaoGodHer) stumbled across an old post called The Beloved from way back in 2010, less than six months after my awakening experience. The synchronicity, the evidence that I am on the right track, was the video at the bottom of that post (previously mentioned) Leona Lewis singing I See You in Avatar.

If you take that song, not as a song between two people, but a song of a devotee to their God, then it takes on a much deeper meaning.

Every morning I receive an email to renew my Vow of NonAbuse. I have my profile set this way because I like to be reminded of how I wish to be. I think I’ll set a little daily reminder for myself to also watch that video, I See You, since really, that too is how I wish to be.

We all need reminders. As I wrote to reader Phil this morning on a powerful spiritual experience he had:

But, and this is something I tell Michelle all the time: Don’t expect this to be a permanent experience (who can stay focused on one thing all their life?), but expect it to flow in and out of awareness. The less you hold onto it—ironically—the more stable it becomes.

Who can stay focused on one thing all their life? I sure as hell can’t. Which is why I need the reminders.

10:56 AM

Crap. I had thought to hold off on announcing this journaling project for a week (to better get the kinks worked out and be very, very sure I wanted to actually go forward with it), but when I uploaded yesterdays post a few minutes ago, it was immediately shared on Facebook and Google+ (via a WordPress plugin). Not my intention, but I see these sort of things as Her intention, so… so there it is.

12:07 PM

Walking down a dusty road, lost in thought but with that Avatar song playing in my head, I—completely beyond my control—turned left toward my rig and immediately felt a sharp, piercing sting on my big toe and looked down and saw I had stepped on a thorn which had gone right through my flip-flop just as Leona sang “I see you….”

Lost in thoughts. Sharp pain…

I see you.

I stopped and I smiled and as I pulled out the thorn, I pulled out my thoughts and I pulled out the portal/self-contraction and I saw Her everywhere—I felt Her everywhere

And it was beautiful and I felt blessed.

I see you.

A thorn in the toe to distract me from my thoughts and immerse me in the Divine. As I said above just two hours ago: I need these little reminders.

Note: The “completely beyond my control” thing occurs most often when the less there is of you inside provides space for TaoGodHer to fill in the gaps. Though I have numerous examples of this on my blog (this is a good one), you can see my student Michelle’s first public posting of a similar experience here. These experiences, this interactive intimacy with the Divine, is why I so often say,

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

1:17 PM

Oy. I just received this email from Michelle:

@your new blog…why do you expect to be dead in two years? Are you serious? Is it the money situation? An exercise in surrender?

I guess I had hoped to simply imply my intentions and be done with it, but I guessed wrong. Here’s the deal: When I run out of money, I’m offing myself.

There, that wasn’t so bad. And don’t go calling someone to have me committed either, or I’ll have to stop posting where my camps are.

I often find it funny that practically everyone I cross paths with, whether physically or virtually, has a higher regard for my life than I do.

I live. I die. I merge with Her. I get pulled out. I swear to do whatever it takes to merge with Her once again, and I come back. (See my book The Implications of the Soul).

I’ve done this a thousand times and will probably have to do it a thousand more before I get it right. It’s no big deal.

The Dalai Lama, who’s also big on reincarnation, once remarked on his inevitable demise,

I’m kind of looking forward to death. I want to see how I do.

My sentiments exactly. I’m in no hurry, but I’m not going to put up much of a fight either.

The contemplation of death though, is a key aspect of this phase of my life—of this practice. To really let go of the self—to truly merge with Heryou have to truly not care if you live or die. You have to let go of even the attachment to life.

Using my bank balance as an indicator of my time remaining on this planet is what I call The Gas Gauge of Life (or of Death depending on what I’m focusing on at the time). It was a key factor in my initial awakening. Why? Because I had given up. I had realized I was almost out of time and I gave up on trying to find enlightenment, when Bam! within days I met my Frog Master and the rest is history.

I recently quit my freelance programming position and, when NonAbusers met so much resistance with my readers, I pretty much said, “I’m done.” Meaning, “I’m done working. I’m done trying to convince anyone of my viewpoint. I’m done trying to make a difference. I’m done trying to extend my life. I am done.”

And dropping all those self-imposed burdens felt goooood.

It was eye-opening.

It led directly to the creation of this Journal.

As I said in the Introduction, I’ve got about two years of funds socked away, so there’s no imminent danger of this journal just suddenly coming to an end (though it might, even you don’t have as long to live as you probably hope).

So don’t worry. Two years is a long time for things to go right.

Important Note: DO NOT off yourself because of depression! There are plenty of resources to help with this. Depression is temporary and treatable. So get help, feel better and get on with your life. What I’m talking about above are quality of life issues—a whole different animal.

November 15, 2014

The Scorpion

The Scorpion

CONGRESS, AZ #Journaling #NoSelf #Soul #MyLove… and staring into a scorpion’s eyes.

12:32 PM

Having decided to go ahead with this experiment, I spent all of yesterday and this morning putting together the website, A Mystic’s Journal.

Ironically, the intense focus I experience when immersed in a project has taken me away from the very purpose of this exercise: To surrender what remains of my “self” to Her.

12:46 PM

Which got me thinking (of course), that the intense focus I just described is the unconscious version of the No-Self state (using Adyashanti’s terminology). No-Self is the experience of life without a sense of a self. Pretty much everyone experiences No-Self unconsciously at various points in their lives—while lost in a great movie or book, creating a piece of artwork, a session of intense writing, …—they just aren’t aware of the oddity of their “self” not being there while it is happening.

Conversely, being aware of “not being there” while things are experienced is exactly what the No Self state is (at least in the few times I’ve experienced it).

3:46 PM

After lunch I filled my pipe with tobacco and my mug with coffee and walked out into the desert and stumbled across a scorpion sitting on a water meter used to measure the underground water table or something.

I sat down next to him and we entered into a staring contest (which—with his beady little eyelid-less eyes—he easily won) . As his reward, I took his portrait while he acted all macho and stuff, silently wished him well, felt blessed and grateful for the experience, and continued my walk out into the desert.

Five years ago, I was living as a Soul when I had my awakening experience. Now, with a limited lifespan before me, my desire is to clear as many knots (conditioned reactions and habits) as possible which stand between My Love and I. The deep and serious contemplation of my inevitable death worked once before in expanding my consciousness, so maybe living as a Soul will work again.

Like Meister Eckhart and Saint Teresa of Ávila, I hope to immerse myself in the Divine and reveal any hardness which is still left of this annoying me-thing. In so doing—in seeing and feeling these “me-me-me” contractions—I hope to eventually relax and release them. My goal is that when I do die, I will have fewer attachments to this mortal life—attachments which will involuntarily tear me apart from Her once we merge (my belief is that each of us merges with Her/God/the Light upon our deaths, but our attachments—our desires for something “other”—make this beautiful co-existence only a fleeting experience).

From Fading Toward Enlightenment:

Under the moon on that clear night, both frightened and amazed, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Back,” I said, and my whole life changed forever.

Wholeness. Contentment. Joy and Bliss. Awareness without an Other. Love radiating outward into itself. No beginnings, no endings. No births or deaths. To Life, there is no opposite.

From the Stillness, a subtle tug, a tiny ripple on the empty ocean. A single twitch, a little pull and suddenly there were Two.

Ripped apart by desires unknown. She, the World and I, me. No longer One, we now were Two. It’s all my fault… Forgive me.

Yeah, it sucks, but that merging is what I see as the purpose of my life, or at least, this phase of my life (assuming I survive it). As Leona Lewis sings in Avatar, “Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.” Meister Eckhart or St. Teresa could have written those exact words.

Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.

And so this journal will be used to record my progress on just that: The immersion of this me-thing into the Light.

I’m sorry for all the odd terminology and links. I’ve been a Mystic for over five years now and in that time—and by necessity—have developed a vocabulary all my own. Lots of vast and varied experiences, all documented (and thus linkable). So don’t sweat the vocabulary. Just like the readers of my previous blog, you’ll pick up the language soon enough.