The Insufferable Mind

Taming Wild Things

Taming Wild Things

MELBOURNE, FL — #NoSelf #FourthWall #Remember

February 14, 2015 8:37 AM

Three questions/answers from yesterday morning are swirling in my head as I write this:

  1. Is it possible for I/Consciousness to CONTROL the mind?
  2. What are the implications of Consciousness not controlling the mind?
  3. How can the Self let go of the Self?

I pretty much know the answer to #1: Nothing seems to control the mind CONSISTENTLY. Mind can be controlled for short periods of time (by meditation, visualizations, media manipulation, drama, …) but not consistently by one’s “self.”

And that brings up #2: Whatever the person’s sense of self is (mind, ego, Soul, Love, Emptiness, No-Self) it (the self) doesn’t consistently control thoughts.

What are the implications of this?


[Note to readers: Ironically (since I’m writing/thinking it) this is getting too dense for me. If you agree, scroll down to just above the quote below.]

The mind can’t be controlled, but it can be convinced. Facts and evidence and repeated experiences (ie: gravity), convince the mind to believe—and what the mind believes influences its content (thoughts).

Sort of…

What the mind believes influences its values (which may or may not influence the mind’s thoughts).

For example, this morning, as a simple test, I tried to visualize the Light column in the dark room (“I found myself in a large, dark, circular room, illuminated by a single column of light in its center.”). Within seconds, my mind drifted to random images: a vague rodent-like shadow, a wire running through the dark room, a beach, … and suddenly the room and the Light column were gone.

I tried again, and again, and again… with similar results.

These images had nothing to do with beliefs, just random crap the mind dumps out. Random crap that—try as I might—I had no conscious control of.


My values (what I feel is important) are directly influenced by my beliefs. For example: I know (which means “deeply believe“) that Consciousness does not blink out at death (Soul) and thus I hold less value for my physical life and all its inherent drama than most people do. My beliefs influence my values but not so much the contents of my mind (my thoughts).

My beliefs are built and strengthened through facts, evidence, and repeated experiences.

Yuck. This stuff is way too rational, way too dry for me. Let’s just cut to the chase:

I would like to deeply believe (via facts, evidence and repeated experience) the following:

I have no control of my mind. It is full of crap. I need not be concerned with it anymore.

And deeply believing this is probably the solution to #3 (dropping the subtle Self contraction).


Uncharted Waters

Uncharted Waters

MELBOURNE, FL — #FourthWall #Emptiness #NoSelf #Radiance #Surrender

January 29, 2015 8:11 AM

From some of his comments and assertive emails, I had expected him to be a Fundamental Nondualist—a man who rationalized “enlightenment” and was determined to point out all the errors of my ways—but I was pleasantly surprised when we met up at a local Panera Bread and Dave began relating events from his past—one synchronistic event after another—and arriving at the same conclusion that I had: that synchronicity implies God.

Dave is more stable, more advanced in the Emptiness quality than I—the vastness taking center-stage in his awareness. He reminded me of the mysterious Jed McKenna with his rational, determined approach. Even Dave’s methodology is similar to McKenna’s: to throw yourself into understanding something—to immerse yourself in it—until you arrive at its deepest core truth (“if A then B and B leads to C and C means …”).

Unlike McKenna though, Dave is far more humble. Full of yang, active, determined energy, yes, but he’s not stuck on himself as McKenna is. I suspect this is due more to Dave’s understanding of the Divine—of the implications of the Divine—than to his original, birth nature.

He said he had a message for me, apologetically though, as he knew how pompous that sounded, yet still feeling driven to tell me—to go out of his way to meet me and tell me. But I’m far more comfortable with these situations—-when the interests of the mind conflict with Her whispers—so I fully understood.

He got all serious and he told me his message—but after he told me, I promptly forgot it. This is a common quality of Shadow information—that the conscious mind rejects what it isn’t ready to hear—and because both he and Michelle and I have each been hit with Shadow material recently, I suspect there are layers within it that I’m not ready for.

I wrote him back this morning, asking him to restate it. His message, word-for-word:

Her vast unactualized knowing with no agenda and the world “because” of her, an entangled ball of light.

[Fourth Wall]: I suspect that this message isn’t just for me, so I present it above verbatim.

In a powerful vision he had (similar to mine a few months after my initial awakening), he related how—struggling with the new-found powers of almost miraculous manifestation (wish fulfillment) that comes from this level of development—he asked Her what She wanted from him and She laughed (at his arrogance?) and said, “I created you,” and kicked him “out of the womb.”

[Fourth Wall]: I struggled with this Messiah Complex too for a few months after awakening, subtly still do I suppose, but I expect everyone who gets to this level does—when whatever you wish for practically always and magically appears.

I take his message combined with his vision to mean (though I’m not sure I agree with it, but this is Dave’s story, so I’ll relate it) that She doesn’t need us to do Her bidding, that She is fully capable of handling things all on Her own thank-you very much, and maybe I (Wayne) need to re-examine my assumption that there is an express purpose for me (from his comments above of no agenda and being laughed at).

Dave doesn’t blog because he say’s he has a hard time articulating his thoughts and experiences. Because there was so much to relate in so little time (he knows everything about me, but I knew next to nothing about him), he dumped a lot of information on me and I could very well be completely wrong on his point.

Oddly enough, what I did hear loud and clear, was a recurring theme of trust. Trust that She’s got the back of anyone who is willing to surrender to Her. Trust that, though we may never fully understand Her will or intentions, that She’s got our best long term interests at heart as long as we’re willing to get out of Her way (surrender control).

Not surprisingly, as I was composing this post, I received another email from Dave:

I feel if you believe you may suffer in some future circumstance that may well come to pass. If you Trust that you won’t you won’t. You will never be able to let go of that pole if you don’t trust.

[Fourth Wall]: The pole he was referring to was from my vision: Where I held onto a vertical pole (like a fireman’s sliding pole) as I stepped into a column of Light (Her). My entire body was vaporized completely—all but the hand that tightly gripped the pole. I have long regretted that I was too afraid to let go and dissolve fully and absolutely into Her… and that I have never had the opportunity to be “tested” again since then.

As it was getting time to depart, and as it had happened with ErikI/She/We gave Dave some unsolicited advice: To open his heart more, not to explain himself (as the rational is wont to do), but to love others through actions. (The focus on Emptiness bypasses many of the joys of Radiance, and without Love—Love manifest in the world—what’s the point of all this wisdom?) I/She/We could feel his resistance and I (the Wayne-thing) felt uncomfortable with offering it, but Dave sent the following email later in the evening:

Yep. Great insight. I have been very guarded with the love. I knew that and am careful with it because I cry whenever I go there. Almost a sadness.

For the lack of love in the world and when I see it, I miss it and I cry. Not that I am not loved, I have much support in my life, but love itself. I am going to open up a bit and see if I can go there without walking around with a box of tissues. Thanks.

[Fourth Wall]: Before you go thinking Dave’s some wussy milquetoast, he’s an ex-merchant marine with a tough sounding Massachusetts accent.

And then this email, which I found far more rewarding (his wife is not in to this stuff):

Wife came home and sat beside me.

First words out of her mouth, “You seem different.” So out of character for her to say that. I will roll with it.

As I said, Dave’s more advanced than I am in the Emptiness quality—but in Radiance? Not a chance.

At least, not yet. 🙂

12/25/2014: The Joy of Eternal Being

Mystical Oneness Outline

Mystical Oneness Outline

MELBOURNE, FL — #LivingIt #Technique #NoSelf #Emptiness

9:48 AM

I created a brief outline yesterday of my latest book on Mystical Oneness, but now, as I sit here on the patio contemplating a direction, I wonder if the book is a sneaky distraction generated by my Shadow’s fear of facing its self demise—that maybe I should be taking this Florida situation with family and society as an opportunity to practice “The Joy of Eternal Being.”

The Joy of Eternal Being is what I’m calling this current phase of my practice, of my spiritual growth/self demise (less of me = more of Her) and it entails all the little practices/insights I’ve been “downloaded with” lately (I love that term of Adya’s):

By calling the practice The Joy of Eternal Being, I’m hoping that the phrase will stick and be enough to help me feel all of the above concepts without needing to remember them individually or, more importantly, over-thinking them.

So maybe I’ll just tinker with the book right now, and not try to write it:

Yeah, focus on the Joy and just tinker.

Not a bad philosophy of life when you think about it.

Focus on the Joy of Being and just tinker with everything else.

3:07 PM

After having a Christmas lunch with Mom and Dad (at Dad’s rehab center), I went to a park and watched a video sent to me by fellow nomad Randy about the illusion of the self (by Sam Harris of Waking Up).

Harris distills some key points from Vedanta and Buddhism on seeing through the self (of which I’m in 100% agreement)—but he is a perfect example of what I often call a Fundamental Nondualist in his exclusive focus on Emptiness and Mind. This didn’t come as a surprise when I found he is a hard-core atheist.

I wonder if his atheistic attitude would change if he experienced ongoing synchronistic events? Would he come to the same conclusion I did? That there must be an overarching intelligence (TaoGodHer) operating behind the scenes?

Not knowing him other than some brief research, maybe I have him pegged wrong, maybe he is simply anti-religion, but is open to Cosmic Consciousness? Dunno and don’t feel like digging deeper right now.

Since he doesn’t seem to experience these synchronistic events (I’m guessing, as a brief look at his blog didn’t reveal any day-to-day accounts (big surprise)), then this supports my theory that awakening is more than just “figuring it out” (rational, Emptiness quality)—that it has to be a lived experience (Eternal quality) and and an emotional one also (Radiant quality). That all aspects (mental, physical, emotional) have to be integrated for TaoGodHer to wake up within one’s life.

December 17, 2014

Jeff's Plane

Jeff’s Plane

MELBOURNE, FL #NoSelf … and simpler and lighter and purer.

1:44 PM

Yesterday was pretty uneventful (as has been today so far). I pretty much waited around most of the day for a guy to replace the garage door at my parents’ condo (he didn’t) and burned the last of some DVDs (I did).

Today I cleaned out my old travel trailer—donating a few bags of clothes and office supplies to Goodwill. I just need to sign off on the title and I’ll be free of it. As I release more and more (stuff and identity), my life naturally becomes simpler and lighter and purer. I like it that way. It’s somehow cleaner—more authentic. Probably a lesson in there somewhere—something about possessions and the possessed.

Not much else going on. It has become clear that when I’m actively doing something—when the mind is focuses on a project—the me-thing disappears. I’m sure that’s the same with everyone. It is only when we have a moment of introspection—the turning inward of consciousness—that the self re-appears. Probably a lesson in there somewhere also—something to do with the temporary nature of the self.

December 14, 2014

Blogging While Burning DVDs

Blogging While Burning DVDs

MELBOURNE, FL #VanDwelling #Radiance #NoSelf … and spiritual community and rational mysticism.

9:37 AM

I’m taking the day “mostly off” from family obligations, though I will be having dinner with Mom later. I do think that a life filled with social contact is not conducive to spiritual growth and development: Too many distractions; too many beliefs by others pushed upon us as truths; too much energy spent defending and discussing our beliefs; too much conflict; too much social preparation; too much confusionNone of these are factors while in solitude.

Still, social contact is important for the application (lived aspect) and shoring up of our spiritual development.

One of the things that some full-time RV’ers do when they hang out together is to place a flag outside their rig to indicate to others if—at the moment—they are open to socializing or not.

I think I’d do something similar if I were to hold spiritual retreats or start a spiritual community/commune. Just like in isolation, there wouldn’t be any set schedule or classes. No fixed periods of silence or meditation. Everyone is free to do what they want but must respect each other’s “in solitude flag” (ie: wearing a yellow shirt or something). This way people can still reap the benefits of solitude (meditation, contemplation, communion with nature, …) AND the benefits of a group of like-minded seekers (safety concerns, dialog, shared meals and resources, …).

Maybe a morning or evening, come-if-you-want community discussion/sharing/gathering to act as an anchor (something many communal RV-er’s also do).

1:26 PM

In Resurrecting Jesus, Adya describes self as…

…the act of consciousness turning back upon itself and reflecting within. That self-reflection is what self is. Self is not a thing; it’s literally the act of consciousness turning back and looking within.

And then…

…by the time self begins to fall away, your sense of self is radiant.

One of the reason I am drawn to exploring spirituality first hand and finding out experientially (rather than just reading about it) is to develop a deep sense of knowing (not just belief). For years I’ve been describing Radiance as an outward flowing Love and Light and the me-thing as an inward flowing contraction.

When I run across evidence—previously unknown to me—that supports my findings, it adds an incredible feeling of truth to my theories and experiences. I’m not talking about truth to convince my readersbut truth to convince and ease any doubts inside of meUnexpected evidence that I stumble across (mysteriously often I might add), helps these experiences go from feeling like belief and theories into something that feels more like fact and truth.

Adya’s description of self—though he uses different terminology—is practically identical to my experiences (which I’ve documented for years) of outward flowing Radiance and the inward flowing contraction of the me-thing.

Though we’ve come at it from two different directions and backgrounds, we’ve arrived at the same conclusions. This is powerful evidence.

If you’re going to be a mystic, be a rational one.

PS: What I find particularly useful about his description of self is that he focuses on it as a movement rather than (as I am wont to do) as a entity. Focusing on self as a movement helps de-personalize it.

December 10, 2014

Behind The Projection Room Door

Behind The Projection Room Door

MELBOURNE, FL #Technique #Death #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #NoSelf … and the wisdom of complete and utter failure.

8:38 AM

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

The Eternal Loving Awareness… I know that this is what I am—what everyone is—but how do you take it from knowing to being?

I’m not interested in theories—I’ve heard them all. I’m interested in evidence.

What evidence do I have? What experiences have changed my being in the past?



My initial awakening.

Though I knew everything I needed to know (“You are just thoughts. If you can experience it, it isn’t you.”) it didn’t become a part of my being until…



… until I gave everything I had (“I’ll sit here until that damn frog moves.”)…

… and I failed.

(“How can the frog sit so peacefully for so long and I can’t? The frog has no thoughts. What are these thoughts that are driving me crazy? What am I but a bunch of thoughts? …”)

The lived experience and the failure made the theories real (“I am not these thoughts. Thoughts are just noise inside of me. ‘Wayne Wirs’ is just a bunch of inner noise.”).

The scars of the failure (“The smart have their books, the wise have their scars.”) changed my very being.

(Re-reading what I just wrote.)

Dare I say, the emotional scars of my failure? I was on the Gas Gauge of Death. I was going to kill myself in a few months. I was giving it my all to get as far as I could in this life in preparation for my next and I still failed.

My failure (failure at finding enlightenment, failure at even beating a stupid frog at a meditation challenge) was a huge blow to my ego.

It broke me.

That failure, that blow to my ego, shattered the ‘Wayne Wirs’ story—the personal self. It destroyed the belief that I was my history, my past, my roles (“I am such a smart guy”) and my thoughts (“I know it all”). That failure destroyed “me” and it humbled what was left. That failure broke me.

So back to the original questions:

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

What I knowI am the Eternal (Soul) Loving (Radiance) Awareness (Emptiness).

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. I must constantly remember this. “I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.” I must meditate on it. I must repeat it and contemplate it constantly until the thought becomes embedded into my subconsciousness like the song I See You is stuck in my head.
  2. I must constantly apply it. I must attempt to live as the Eternal Loving Awareness… No. That’s wrong—I must not attempt to be it, I must reveal it. While going about my day-to-day life, I must be consistently aware of what I am—and have always been as far back as I can remember—the constant and unchanged thing that I really am: The Eternal Loving Awareness1.
  3. and I must learn from my failures (scars). Why did I fail? What is it that is pulling me away from the Eternal (“constant and unchanging…”) Loving Awareness (“…thing that I really am”)?

How do I change my heart? How do I change my very being?

The answer, ironically, is that I must break what is already broken—what is already flawed: I must break the me-thing.

The smart have their books and the wise have their scars and the less there is of identifying with the me-thing the more there is of the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. The constant, unchanged thing that I really am, is what Adyashanti calls the eternal still point within you

December 8, 2014

Results of the Day

Results of the Day

MELBOURNE, FL #NoSelf … and living between two worlds.

9:59 AM

Had breakfast with Mom and we discussed Dad and Happiness and Death and The Future and her Concerns. When you get old, it seems that the most important things in one’s life are The Challenges of Living, Fixing Your Body, The Past, and Loved Ones.

I almost never think about these things, so it is challenging discussing them.

It is especially challenging since all these Important Things are Mortal realm material and my current practice is to live from the LightI’m conflicted because I’m not always sure that Light advice/conversation is appropriate.

It’s a delicate business living between two worlds.

December 6, 2014

Drowsy Lifeguard

Drowsy Lifeguard

MELBOURNE, FL #VanDwelling #NoSelf … and beach towns.

10:41 AM

I’ve hit the official east coast of Florida and am currently pitstopped in Ormond Beach. I’m surprised that it is so empty here, even though it is a Saturday and the weather is really pleasant. I guess this is still Spring Break seasonal territory and not the typical Thanksgiving to Easter season of the Florida further south.

Free parking, free beaches, free showers… I could see this being a van dweller’s paradise.

I should hit the folks place this afternoon, so this will be a short post as I doubt I’ll have time later.

They say spending time with family is the true test of spiritual development. I honestly don’t foresee that as a problem (though it used to be a biggie).

I’ll know soon enough.

1:03 PM

While driving, I realized something: I was happy. Happier than I can ever remember. What is odd is that there is no reason for this happiness. I’m happier than the one time I was engaged (because it was countered with fear). Happier than when I first woke up (because I was so disoriented from the new “territory”).

I’m just happy. Not because of anything. It is happiness without any object. It’s pure.

I’m sure it has to do with the Archetypes—with the engulfing of the Dark (self) by the Light (Love).

I’ve also realized that I haven’t judged anyone in the last few days. Even the criticism I mentioned yesterday wasn’t met with judgement of the criticizers, just curiosity. This lack of mental judging hasn’t been because I have been focusing on it or anything, my mind just hasn’t been doing it. It was a complete surprise when I realized this.

3:23 PM

Well my no-judgements run didn’t last long. I had stopped in at Wickham Park (where I used to stay when visiting the folks) to see if a friend I knew was still living/camping there. She had always been pretty down on her luck so I figured if I saw her, I’d give her my old travel trailer. She wasn’t, but as soon as I stepped out of my rig, I stepped into a big pile of dog poo. I’m afraid I was a bit judgmental on the unknown dog’s owner.

Stopped in at the nearby Walmart and got a new pair of sandals (the old one’s weren’t worth trying to clean out all those cracks and crevices).

Alright. Off to the folks place.

December 5, 2014

Oaks and Spanish Moss

Oaks and Spanish Moss

OCALA, FL #Journaling #NoSelf … and the right track.

7:05 AM

I’m getting a lot of feedback (some blog comments but mostly emails) about all the things I am doing wrong. They are so sure of themselves, yet they offer no evidence (I’m a rational mystic, not a gullible one). They give me all this unsolicited advice that doesn’t seem to be based on any facts. It’s almost as if what I am doing is frightening to them—to something inside of them.

Yet what I am doing seems to be working—working far beyond my expectations (all the profound insights, synchronistic experiences and spiritual growth just from one short month of doing this “experiment”). Still, regardless of all this evidence I’ve been posting, the advice I’m receiving is saying, “Don’t do it that way. Do it my way. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong.”

How odd. It has got to have something to do with the Archetypes: My seeing the Ego/Self-centered archetype as Dark and the Love/Selflessness as Light and then dissolving the Dark into the Light. Gotta be something like that. I can see how this practice should be scary to the Darkness within me (oddly it isn’t), but far more strangely, my practice—my doing this—seems to scare the Darkness within them.

How odd.

I think it means I must be on the right track.

9:36 AM

I stood in the doorway, drinking my morning coffee, looking out over the woods and as I expanded and lifted the Darkness/contraction away I enfolded it into the Light and the Darkness offered no resistance and I felt at once both empty and whole and so deeply entwined with the trees and the earth and the brush and the sky and I was happy. On the last gulp of coffee some grounds filled my mouth (something that usually irks me) and even this had no affect on my joy—on how vitally alive and connected I felt.

Yes, I am on the right track.

December 4, 2014

A Simpler Way of Life

A Simpler Way of Life

WILDLIFE MURDER AREA, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, FL #MiracleLog #Technique #Radiance #NoSelf … and the blank slate experience.

6:41 AM

In order to reveal the eternal impersonal Love/Light, what I was doing last night was to practice what I tell Michelle to practice: Pull away the portal/ego contraction and drop it.

I’m feeling this isn’t the proper technique for post-awakening though. Post awakening is to love the Dark entity (portal/ego/Devil), not to drop it.

I think that was why She provided the archetype/entities insight recently.

Pre-awakening, I stand behind the dropping of the portal/ego. Synchronistically (of course), this is supported by the Adyashanti book I’m reading (which I didn’t find until after the insight into the archetype entities): Jesus didn’t try to love and integrate the Devil at the end of his 40 day fast, Jesus was in battle with him. Pre-crucified Jesus was in constant conflict with his Devil and society and religious leaders. That conflict strengthened his awakening.

Adyashanti calls this the trials and tribulations phase of the awakening process, not just because of the Jesus story, but because he’s seen it repeatedly with members of his audience. Long time followers of my blogs know I go though these trials and tribulations all the time, so I’m inclined to believe this is the norm, not the exception. This may not be the enlightenment as put forth by the stage-presence-as-a-permanent-fixture of most of today’s spiritual teachers. No, the evidence seems to support the conflict-to-make-our-awakening-stronger theory is both true and is an expected and necessary part of the awakening process.

So pre-awakening, pull that sucker (ego contraction) away and drop it. Constantly repeating this will make your Radiance/Emptiness qualities stronger and the whole process easier as time goes on.

8:11 AM

I sit in the van’s doorway and eat my breakfast while gazing out at the river and contemplating how amazing the “coincidence” is that She’s guided me back to Florida—to family and society—at the exact time that I need it. I started this journal because I felt the need for change, then days later—even though I hadn’t come up with a clear plan or practice for that change—She pushed me to Florida knowing I’d get it all worked out before then.


I can’t just think about this stuff, I have to live it. All the theory in the world is just vapor-ware until it is applied.

The timing was perfect. The theory and practices (integrating the “entities,” using contracted feelings as a guide) had been put into place just days before hitting the home front (probably Saturday, two days from now).

What you need, when you need it. More evidence of the Divine.

3:23 PM

I’ve stopped in either a wildlife “management” (read “murder”) area or a conservation area depending on which map you read. Having mysteriously lost an hour of my life due to some buggy time glitch they have around here, I decided to call it a day before I lost even more.

The drive along the Emerald Coast of Florida is really beautiful. The area around Apalachicola reminds me of the Florida Keys of my youth (before everyone moved there). Lots of ocean/bay views, old clapboard houses, a laid back tourist vibe without the selling out to commercialism that is so common to tourist towns these days. Friendly people. I like this area.

On the drive, I was practicing loving the Dark Archetype (as mentioned above), but that was feeling too forced. What seemed to work best was to pull the portal/Darkness/me-thing away (a la Radiance practice) and then enfolding it in the Light Archetype—sort of like hugging it. That felt both easier and more natural. I’m sure it is some sort of shadow work, but for archetypes rather than personal repressed unconscious material (what shadow work usually addresses). Whatever. It works and leaves me feeling open and free and oddly happy-blank-slate-ish—like any personality could be imprinted onto… onto… damn, isn’t that weird? Onto this something.

How cool is that? It’s almost like a psychic/spiritual/personality erasing. There is something there—something similar to a blank slate—but I don’t know what it is. What are you when you erase you?