12/29/2014: The Joy and the Eternal

Life in the Fast Lane

Life in the Fast Lane

MELBOURNE, FL — #LivingIt #Technique #Soul #MyLove

10:13 AM

As I walked from my van to the coffee shop, I thought about living forever and my eyes fell upon a tiny plant peeking up out of the asphalt and I felt such happiness for it. Odd connection? Maybe not.

The Joy of Eternal Being: When I remember this—when I remember to practice—at first I find myself focusing on the Joy part, but—realizing I’m not joyful by default and I’m not experiencing joy—I find that just shifting my focus to the Eternal part often instills joy automatically.

I’m Eternal. This isn’t a belief for me anymore. The research and the visions and the memories have convinced me. Much as Michelle recently posted, I see the Wayne-thing as just an object inside of me. The Wayne-thing will die, but me-as-the-Vastness (the container of the Wayne-thing) can’t. know I’m eternal.

So when I focus on me-as-Eternal—when I focus on living forever—I feel the Joy automatically, simply because all of this—this experience of the moment—is so fleeting and temporary that it feels like it needs to be appreciated.

Now I’m not talking about “needs” as in I should do thisbut needs as in this Moment is alive (that Everything-is-Alive archetype again) and it needs to be observed and appreciated in order to somehow live and thrive.

She is alive in this moment and is so very glad to be seen and recognized. Like a toddler smiling up at you, She loves being seen and recognized.

And who doesn’t feel Joy when a toddler smiles up at you?

Weird, I know.

Please don’t have me committed.

2:15 PM

I sat in the van in the park and watched Her shining through the grass.

After posting the previous entry, I visited Dad in the rehab center, then grabbed a bite to eat in the mall. While walking through the mall, I again did the Joy of Eternal Being practice and I at once detached from the body and glided through the mall while simultaneously experiencing the mall (and all its occupants) inside of me.

It’s a paradox… and—because it lies beyond the mind—it is beautiful because of it.

In the mall, and at an outlet store later, I futilely shopped for some Hawaiian shirts. Even in Florida—in 83 degree, hot, sticky, and humid weather—I came up empty-handed.

So I surrendered and drove to the park and sat in the van and pulled away the me-contraction and watched as She lit up a field of grass from within.

The first time I ever saw Her was when I dropped my first hit of acid back in 1999. Though I would often feel Her later, I don’t think I actually saw Her again until after I woke up.

I once told a psychologist friend of mine, Ellen Fox, that I think LSD acts to remove a built-in filtering mechanism that has evolved in our brains—a filter designed to make us self-aware, to create a survival instinct so that we don’t sit there ogling the wonderful colors of the grass while a saber-tooth tiger happily sniffs at our toes. I explained that I think that LSD doesn’t necessarily produce hallucinations as much as it reveals raw Truth (though some just aren’t ready to handle raw Truth, ergo the “bad trip”). I was surprised when Ellen agreed with me. This probably explains why LSD doesn’t affect me anymore, as the filter seems to get removed during the waking process (see Ram Dass on finding his guru).

I doubt Fundamental Nondualist experience this “raw Truth.” Their writing is just too dry, too nihilistic to be a reflection of what it’s like to experience God directly.

God doesn’t lie in the mind… She lies beyond it.

12/24/2014: The Enlightened Jesus

Ornaments Up Close

Ornaments Up Close

MELBOURNE, FL — #FourthWall #Journaling #LivingIt #MyLove #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #Surrender

10:38 AM

[Addressing the Fourth Wall]:

One of the reasons I so love ebooks is the ability to highlight text and easily find and read those passages later.

In the spirit of Christmas, here are a few (only a small portion) of the text I highlighted from Resurrecting Jesus.

Note: On some of the passages, I highlighted them in order to remind me of lessons and practices, while others I highlighted because they reflected my personal experiences with awakening and kind of surprised me, ie: the “download” of information, the trials and tribulations, the radiance, the engagement (bringing it to life), the relinquishment (what I’m going through now), ….

…Jesus the revolutionary mystic, the one who is actually courageous enough to move through life guided and inspired by the dynamic of his spiritual essence.

Spiritual autonomy is knowing who and what you are—knowing that you are divine being itself, knowing that the essence of you is divinity. You are moving in the world of time and space, appearing as a human being, but nonetheless you are eternal, divine being, the timeless breaking through and operating within the world of time. To Jesus, spirit is everything.

He is the living presence of divine being. He’s a human being too, but he’s here to convey divine being…

…awakening people to eternal life, to discovering divine being within themselves.

…he wanted to break down the lines of separation between people, between heaven and earth, between human and divine.

So the whole Jesus story, ultimately, is the map of a journey that happens within us. It’s an invitation to live out the radiance that’s revealed when we have the courage to step beyond anything and everything that separates us.

Life is this simple: we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time. This is not just a nice story or a fable, it is true. — THOMAS MERTON

My own spiritual development has shown me that we’re all, in essence, the divine radiance of pure being and that we also have our human side: our good days and our not-so-good days. Our human condition is reflected in the great humanity of Jesus, and I believe this is one of the reasons that so many people have felt so deeply connected to Jesus over the centuries.

…but the beauty of the story is in how it reveals that sense of eternity, that still point in the midst of difficulty, that divinity shining through the latticework of time and space.

Jesus is saying that the Kingdom of Heaven is right here, in the place where he’s undergoing his trials, and men do not see it. The beauty of the Jesus story is that he did see eternity while here on this earth; he was eternity, divine being at his core and in his substance.

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

That sense of something unchanged is the eternal spark within.

From that state of voidness, after a while a download of insight began—literally hundreds of insights per second downloaded into my system. Just as you download a program on your computer, spirit or divine being was downloading insights into me, many more than I could actually keep up with. This descent of spirit was just as depicted in the Jesus story.

There are many degrees of awakening, but all awakening has as its common denominator a shift from seeing ourselves as a separated, isolated human being to seeing ourselves as that which we all share. You can call it consciousness, divine being, spirit, God. Many words can be used, but it’s the experience that matters.

At some point after awakening—sometimes very soon, sometimes not for quite a while—you reach a stage that I call “trials and tribulations.”

It’s almost as if life says, in order to deal with this situation properly, you are going to have to respond to it from that place of realization, from your deepest nature to which you’ve awakened. If you go back into your ego or into your conditioned mind to respond, it simply won’t work, and turmoil will ensue.

This is an amazing teaching, and it’s message is: if you meet your trials and tribulations from your own deepest realization, they will be released from your system and purified from you, so that eternal being can fully be embodied through your humanity.

When this unification occurs, there’s a simplicity to life, a deep sense of freedom and essential well-being and also of fearlessness.

Where there was abiding tranquility, what awakens now is sense of an extraordinary vitality, of life-force. It’s as if the fullness of your being is radiating, and from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, you feel this very deep and powerful radiance.

…and then you’re infused with this impersonal vitality and radiance, very often it signals that there’s something more in store. There will be another phase of your life, a phase not just of abiding tranquility, but also of radiant engagement.

When transfiguration occurs, we begin to move with what I call “spiritual autonomy.” By spiritual autonomy, I mean a kind of certainty—not an egoic certainty, but one that comes from your essential nature, from the level of divine being. We find this spiritual autonomy very clearly mirrored in the figure of Jesus. Jesus walks through his life knowing who he is and what he’s doing, even though his disciples don’t understand him, the authorities don’t understand him, and the Pharisees don’t understand him.

The next stage of the awakening journey is what I call “relinquishment.” In the story of Jesus, relinquishment is symbolized by the crucifixion. Ultimately, relinquishment is the experience of the death of ego. Awakening is the transcendence of ego; awakening doesn’t mean the ego is dead or even that it’s really gone anywhere. The awakening experience may change the nature of ego, making it more unified, more whole, but the ego is still there. Relinquishment is what spiritual teachers mean when they say, “die before you die.”

The kingdom of heaven is spread upon earth and men do not see it. When you see this, you shift from being a victim of your life and assigning blame for the tragedy you encounter. The truth, I would suggest, is that you poured yourself willingly into form out of infinite love in order to redeem the entirety of this life. When seen from that perspective, all of a sudden life looks very different. You stop holding back from life, your inner life or the life around you, because the kingdom of heaven is within and all around you. That’s the message of the Jesus story.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for following along on this journey.

12/23/2014: Mental Conditioning and Near Death Experiences

A Foggy Morning Outside My Home

A Foggy Morning Outside My Home

MELBOURNE, FL — #Death #Emptiness #Journaling #Soul

6:54 AM

I awoke and gazed out the window to a foggy morning. I was content (as I expect most people are on first awakening) and before my mind could kick in, I searched the present moment: The softness of the sheets; The cool air on my exposed skin; The street light illuminating the fog; The stiffness of muscles idle too long.

Soon though, my mind kicked in with questions of the future: Where should I go today? What should I do? Where will I eat?

And the Present was lost.

8:37 AM

I’ve read that as we age—as we adopt habitual thinking patterns—physical grooves form in the brain as a result of those thinking habits.

Our thought patterns are physically etched into our brain.

No wonder it is so hard to change our thought processes—to change:

I wish the famous enlightened teachers blogged about their personal lives and thoughts. I’m sure it would help dispel the mythologies of instant enlightenment, abiding nondual awareness, and permanent bliss.

Spiritual transparency doesn’t sell very well, but it would be a huge benefit for serious spiritual seekers.

9:03 AM

Last night, Mom was telling me of how my cousin Donna had died recently and had been revived. I asked if Donna had any recollection of the experience, but she did not.

I was then hit with this powerful insight:

If only a few people experience near death experiences (NDEs), then this evidence discredits pretty much all scientific explanations which state that the experience of a tunnel and light is just the results of chemical reactions in a dying brain.


Why? Basic scientific method: A theory must be supported by repeatable scientific experiments that produce consistent results.

If everyone who died and was revived saw the light and the tunnel, then that would support the “chemical reactions” theory—but everyone doesn’t experience these visions.

My father died and didn’t experience anything. Donna (above) died and didn’t experience anything. But, and this is even better evidence, a guy I met in New Mexico a couple years ago told me he had died twice (and was revived obviously). I asked him if he experienced anything during those episodes and after pushing through his hesitancy, he said on the first one he did not, but on the second one he did.

My theory (and this is supported by a huge collection of evidence) is that when we die, we-as-a-Soul detach from these bodies—but it is a mistake to assume that this detachment happens right away (as in the case of people who don’t experience any “visions”). The “Soul-detachment” may happen later. According to some Tibetan death rituals, it could be days later. (From the above article: “A person can remain in this state of lucid vacuity for up to three days”.)

My point: If NDEs were the result of chemical reactions in the brain as a result of a lack of oxygen (as is the case of almost all death/revivals), then everyone should experience the visions. The experiment must be repeatable and produce consistent results, and in the case of these scientific “explanations,” the results are not consistent, ergo their theory is flawed.

I may be a mystic, but I’m a rational one.

Note: Here’s an article that states that NDEs are a result of neural chemical reactions in the dying brain. This is the key sentence:

The team found several signs of conscious activity in all nine of the dying rats’ brains.

All nine of the rats produced the same results. All of them. That’s sound scientific evidence—but further up in the article it says:

In fact, some estimates say that almost 20 percent of people who survive cardiac arrest — where blood effectively stops flowing and the brain becomes starved of the oxygen it needs — report such near-death experiences.

Only 20% of people who had these types of deaths (simulated in the rat experiment) experienced NDEs.

That is not consistent with the results of the experiment. According to their theory, everyone should experience NDEs since all of the rats had these neural chemical reactions. This means that for people, it shouldn’t be just the 20% who do experience the visions, but also the other 80% who don’t.

This scientific “explanation” does not match the real-world data (and I know of no experiments that do).

December 18, 2014

The Palm and the Water

The Palm and the Water

MELBOURNE, FL #Soul … and Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome

7:53 AM

I think I need an elevator speech, a 10 second blurb on how I see things differently than most. I could use it to remind friends and family of my bizarre thoughts and actions and to explain myself when meeting new people.

Something along the lines of…

I see myself as an eternal being who comes back again and again. I try my best to live this way.

Obviously this is only a partial truth—as Radiance I experience my self as Light/Love, as Emptiness as a boundless vastness, as Mystical Oneness as a movement between these states—but from a practical sense, the Eternal quality is the most visible to the general population. It is what sets my values (things that are important to me) apart from others… and these odd (to most) values are what inspire my odd (to most) actions and opinions.

8:20 AM

The thought above was inspired because, after watching the season finale of Survivor last night (I love that show), I told Mom that I wouldn’t be by in the morning (I often have breakfast and dinner with her). When I awoke this morning—knowing I had the morning free to do as I wish—I did not feel the typical pre-contraction, a kind of anticipated contraction when foreseeing having to explain myself.

While I knew I was going to be around people (Panera Bread for breakfast and coffee), I knew I wasn’t going to have to explain my opinions to Mom about whatever was happening on the news or what was going on in my mind or what problems she was concerned about.

This Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome has nothing to do with Mom, but is—I suspect—a condition that affects practically all deeply spiritual people when in conversation with others.

The CEY Syndrome seems to occur because what is important to most people (Mortal level stuff) isn’t particularly important to the Mystic, but, what is important to the Mystic (Eternal and Radiance stuff in particular) seems odd and mysterious—interesting and worth talking about—to most other people.

Normally, when two people have vastly different values, they just don’t converse (think a racist and a minority, or a fundamentalist and an atheist), but when it comes to a Mystic, you have everything in common with them: The recognized Mortal stuff plus a whole lot of other vague-but-interesting stuff (living forever and selfless Love). Stuff that they are only intuitively aware of, but are aware of and curious of nonetheless. Because of our shared basic nature (we all have Mortal qualities and flaws), you have plenty to converse about (news, appointments, dinner plans, …) but the Mystic’s Eternal quality (the most visible) and its big-picture-perspective-of-events, leads to the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome.

So I think the elevator speech—in this case acting as a reminder—may help here….

I feel deep pain—personal pain—for the murder of all those Pakistani children, but I also know they are free of the tumultuous and violent life they seemed destined to live and can now choose another.

Which is still too complex, damn it, because it implies and leads to deeper conversations of all the deeper levels that I instantly feel and understand but are so very very hard to explain (the Syndrome). This is the same knowledge and meaning everyone intuitively knows in their hearts but can’t explain in their minds and so they naturally look to the Mystic (who seems to have it all figured out) to explain it to them.

Shit. Maybe the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is just a fact of life for the Mystic. Maybe we’re doomed to it. I know it’s one of the big reasons I seek solitude so much.

10:10 AM

Maybe we’re doomed to it. I know it’s one of the big reasons I seek solitude so much.

Maybe the Constantly Explaining Yourself Syndrome is the reason I feel so compelled to write a book on this stuff… on the Mystic’s perspective. To explain myself and be done with it.

(Not a bad title either, The Mystic’s Perspective).

December 10, 2014

Behind The Projection Room Door

Behind The Projection Room Door

MELBOURNE, FL #Technique #Death #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #NoSelf … and the wisdom of complete and utter failure.

8:38 AM

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

The Eternal Loving Awareness… I know that this is what I am—what everyone is—but how do you take it from knowing to being?

I’m not interested in theories—I’ve heard them all. I’m interested in evidence.

What evidence do I have? What experiences have changed my being in the past?



My initial awakening.

Though I knew everything I needed to know (“You are just thoughts. If you can experience it, it isn’t you.”) it didn’t become a part of my being until…



… until I gave everything I had (“I’ll sit here until that damn frog moves.”)…

… and I failed.

(“How can the frog sit so peacefully for so long and I can’t? The frog has no thoughts. What are these thoughts that are driving me crazy? What am I but a bunch of thoughts? …”)

The lived experience and the failure made the theories real (“I am not these thoughts. Thoughts are just noise inside of me. ‘Wayne Wirs’ is just a bunch of inner noise.”).

The scars of the failure (“The smart have their books, the wise have their scars.”) changed my very being.

(Re-reading what I just wrote.)

Dare I say, the emotional scars of my failure? I was on the Gas Gauge of Death. I was going to kill myself in a few months. I was giving it my all to get as far as I could in this life in preparation for my next and I still failed.

My failure (failure at finding enlightenment, failure at even beating a stupid frog at a meditation challenge) was a huge blow to my ego.

It broke me.

That failure, that blow to my ego, shattered the ‘Wayne Wirs’ story—the personal self. It destroyed the belief that I was my history, my past, my roles (“I am such a smart guy”) and my thoughts (“I know it all”). That failure destroyed “me” and it humbled what was left. That failure broke me.

So back to the original questions:

How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?

What I knowI am the Eternal (Soul) Loving (Radiance) Awareness (Emptiness).

I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. I must constantly remember this. “I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.” I must meditate on it. I must repeat it and contemplate it constantly until the thought becomes embedded into my subconsciousness like the song I See You is stuck in my head.
  2. I must constantly apply it. I must attempt to live as the Eternal Loving Awareness… No. That’s wrong—I must not attempt to be it, I must reveal it. While going about my day-to-day life, I must be consistently aware of what I am—and have always been as far back as I can remember—the constant and unchanged thing that I really am: The Eternal Loving Awareness1.
  3. and I must learn from my failures (scars). Why did I fail? What is it that is pulling me away from the Eternal (“constant and unchanging…”) Loving Awareness (“…thing that I really am”)?

How do I change my heart? How do I change my very being?

The answer, ironically, is that I must break what is already broken—what is already flawed: I must break the me-thing.

The smart have their books and the wise have their scars and the less there is of identifying with the me-thing the more there is of the Eternal Loving Awareness.

  1. The constant, unchanged thing that I really am, is what Adyashanti calls the eternal still point within you

December 3, 2014

The Boat Ramp

The Boat Ramp

E OF PORT ST JOE, FL #Remember #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #VanDwelling … and what is left when you leave.

6:57 AM

I awoke to this thought, something very simple, but something I often overlook:

  1. Sometimes something appears to happen TO me.
  2. That same something sometimes appears to happen OUTSIDE of me.
  3. That same something sometimes appears to happen INSIDE of me.

#1 feels personal. It happens when I’m caught in the illusion of me. It often causes emotional pain.

#2 and #3 happen when I’m not lost. They are impersonal. They happen from the Witness perspective (#2) or from the boundary-less Emptiness state (#3). Often they happen at the same time.

When I feel #1, when I feel something is happening to me, I want to remember this. I want to use it as a reminder that the “me” is an illusion—that I’m taking the me-thing too seriously.

8:13 AM

It seems that my practice now is similar to what I teach about living as a Soul, but from the other side of awakening. I’m not sure of the difference yet. It feels different—but I’m not sure exactly what the difference is. Maybe it has something to do with knowing I’m eternal (post-awakening) rather than the pre-awakening practice of convincing myself of it through research and playing with it?

It’s similar to the way Radiance feels different between pre- and post-awakening. Pre-awakening Radiance feels like you are the portal (the ego contraction) and the Light is other. Post-awakening Radiance feels like you are the Light and the portal/ego is other.

8:49 AM

Hmm. I was just proof-reading the above. Post-awakened Soul (eternal) + post awakened Radiance (Love/Light) + Emptiness (Self minus me) = The eternal impersonal Love/Light.

It’s not No-Thing as most of today’s nondualists/nihilists would suggest. It’s No-Self.

To live as the eternal impersonal Love/Light.

That clarifies things. That’s my practice. I need to remember this.

Theories are wonderful and easy. Application, not so much.

2:36 PM

After driving for a bit, I made camp at a boat ramp outside Port St. Joe. I don’t think you’re officially allowed to camp here, but boat ramps are places where vehicles are left unattended all the time (while their owners are out boating), so they make good stealth camping spots as long as your rig looks like it could carry a canoe or kayak on it (ie: a roof rack). Regardless, I’ve never been bothered at one. Hell, I’ve never even seen any BRPPs (boat ramp parking police).

On the live as the eternal impersonal Love/Light: I don’t want readers to think that I intend to try to act this way. No. What I mean is that when you remove the me-me-me-thing as completely as possible, the eternal impersonal Love/Light is what is left. My practice is to self-monitor (when I remember) and when not feeling the Love/Light, to see what mistaken assumption (the me-thing) is blocking it.

I sometimes get comments and emails from readers who say, “We’re already enlightened|awake|no-self|… so there’s nothing you need to do.” I don’t agree with this. This misunderstanding is quite common, so much so that Ken Wilbur came up with a term for it, the Pre/Trans Fallacy. Thinking you’re already enlightened doesn’t mean you experience the enlightened no-boundaries state. For example, an infant may experience “oceanic” oneness but this isn’t the same as unity consciousness since the infant doesn’t know how oneness is different from separation since it hasn’t experience separation yet.

My point is that just because the eternal impersonal Love/Light is really what we all are, it doesn’t mean that this is the way we experience life. We can’t experience ourselves as the eternal impersonal Love/Light when the ego/identity blocks the view.

3:14 PM

The mystery truck just drove by my rig, circled the lot and drove off. Right on time too.

November 21, 2014

I Want To Believe - Agent Mulder

I Want To Believe – Agent Mulder

EAST OF ROSWELL, NM #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness … and a simplified view.

7:40 AM

In letting go of the personal, what is left? The transpersonal: The Soul (Eternal), Love (Radiance), the Source (Emptiness).

Years ago I let go of the higher personal—the ego story. Now my practice is to let go of the lower personalself-concern.

Seeing it this way simplifies things for me. Surrendering to God is very abstract, yet surrendering self-concern is very concrete. Ultimately they are the same thing. The less there is of self-concern, the more there is of the Divine within.

November 16, 2014

Not As Scary As It Appears

Not As Scary As It Appears

CONGRESS, AZ #MiracleLog #Journaling #MyLove #Death #Soul … and Magical Reminders.

9:52 AM

My plan is to write or record entries for this journal in real-time (in either Ulysses or my phone’s voice recorder) then clean them up the next morning just prior to uploading them to the site. As I was adding links to yesterday’s post, I “coincidentally” (and I see powerful synchronicities such as this as evidence of TaoGodHer) stumbled across an old post called The Beloved from way back in 2010, less than six months after my awakening experience. The synchronicity, the evidence that I am on the right track, was the video at the bottom of that post (previously mentioned) Leona Lewis singing I See You in Avatar.

If you take that song, not as a song between two people, but a song of a devotee to their God, then it takes on a much deeper meaning.

Every morning I receive an email to renew my Vow of NonAbuse. I have my profile set this way because I like to be reminded of how I wish to be. I think I’ll set a little daily reminder for myself to also watch that video, I See You, since really, that too is how I wish to be.

We all need reminders. As I wrote to reader Phil this morning on a powerful spiritual experience he had:

But, and this is something I tell Michelle all the time: Don’t expect this to be a permanent experience (who can stay focused on one thing all their life?), but expect it to flow in and out of awareness. The less you hold onto it—ironically—the more stable it becomes.

Who can stay focused on one thing all their life? I sure as hell can’t. Which is why I need the reminders.

10:56 AM

Crap. I had thought to hold off on announcing this journaling project for a week (to better get the kinks worked out and be very, very sure I wanted to actually go forward with it), but when I uploaded yesterdays post a few minutes ago, it was immediately shared on Facebook and Google+ (via a WordPress plugin). Not my intention, but I see these sort of things as Her intention, so… so there it is.

12:07 PM

Walking down a dusty road, lost in thought but with that Avatar song playing in my head, I—completely beyond my control—turned left toward my rig and immediately felt a sharp, piercing sting on my big toe and looked down and saw I had stepped on a thorn which had gone right through my flip-flop just as Leona sang “I see you….”

Lost in thoughts. Sharp pain…

I see you.

I stopped and I smiled and as I pulled out the thorn, I pulled out my thoughts and I pulled out the portal/self-contraction and I saw Her everywhere—I felt Her everywhere

And it was beautiful and I felt blessed.

I see you.

A thorn in the toe to distract me from my thoughts and immerse me in the Divine. As I said above just two hours ago: I need these little reminders.

Note: The “completely beyond my control” thing occurs most often when the less there is of you inside provides space for TaoGodHer to fill in the gaps. Though I have numerous examples of this on my blog (this is a good one), you can see my student Michelle’s first public posting of a similar experience here. These experiences, this interactive intimacy with the Divine, is why I so often say,

The less there is of you, the more there is of Her.

1:17 PM

Oy. I just received this email from Michelle:

@your new blog…why do you expect to be dead in two years? Are you serious? Is it the money situation? An exercise in surrender?

I guess I had hoped to simply imply my intentions and be done with it, but I guessed wrong. Here’s the deal: When I run out of money, I’m offing myself.

There, that wasn’t so bad. And don’t go calling someone to have me committed either, or I’ll have to stop posting where my camps are.

I often find it funny that practically everyone I cross paths with, whether physically or virtually, has a higher regard for my life than I do.

I live. I die. I merge with Her. I get pulled out. I swear to do whatever it takes to merge with Her once again, and I come back. (See my book The Implications of the Soul).

I’ve done this a thousand times and will probably have to do it a thousand more before I get it right. It’s no big deal.

The Dalai Lama, who’s also big on reincarnation, once remarked on his inevitable demise,

I’m kind of looking forward to death. I want to see how I do.

My sentiments exactly. I’m in no hurry, but I’m not going to put up much of a fight either.

The contemplation of death though, is a key aspect of this phase of my life—of this practice. To really let go of the self—to truly merge with Heryou have to truly not care if you live or die. You have to let go of even the attachment to life.

Using my bank balance as an indicator of my time remaining on this planet is what I call The Gas Gauge of Life (or of Death depending on what I’m focusing on at the time). It was a key factor in my initial awakening. Why? Because I had given up. I had realized I was almost out of time and I gave up on trying to find enlightenment, when Bam! within days I met my Frog Master and the rest is history.

I recently quit my freelance programming position and, when NonAbusers met so much resistance with my readers, I pretty much said, “I’m done.” Meaning, “I’m done working. I’m done trying to convince anyone of my viewpoint. I’m done trying to make a difference. I’m done trying to extend my life. I am done.”

And dropping all those self-imposed burdens felt goooood.

It was eye-opening.

It led directly to the creation of this Journal.

As I said in the Introduction, I’ve got about two years of funds socked away, so there’s no imminent danger of this journal just suddenly coming to an end (though it might, even you don’t have as long to live as you probably hope).

So don’t worry. Two years is a long time for things to go right.

Important Note: DO NOT off yourself because of depression! There are plenty of resources to help with this. Depression is temporary and treatable. So get help, feel better and get on with your life. What I’m talking about above are quality of life issues—a whole different animal.

November 15, 2014

The Scorpion

The Scorpion

CONGRESS, AZ #Journaling #NoSelf #Soul #MyLove… and staring into a scorpion’s eyes.

12:32 PM

Having decided to go ahead with this experiment, I spent all of yesterday and this morning putting together the website, A Mystic’s Journal.

Ironically, the intense focus I experience when immersed in a project has taken me away from the very purpose of this exercise: To surrender what remains of my “self” to Her.

12:46 PM

Which got me thinking (of course), that the intense focus I just described is the unconscious version of the No-Self state (using Adyashanti’s terminology). No-Self is the experience of life without a sense of a self. Pretty much everyone experiences No-Self unconsciously at various points in their lives—while lost in a great movie or book, creating a piece of artwork, a session of intense writing, …—they just aren’t aware of the oddity of their “self” not being there while it is happening.

Conversely, being aware of “not being there” while things are experienced is exactly what the No Self state is (at least in the few times I’ve experienced it).

3:46 PM

After lunch I filled my pipe with tobacco and my mug with coffee and walked out into the desert and stumbled across a scorpion sitting on a water meter used to measure the underground water table or something.

I sat down next to him and we entered into a staring contest (which—with his beady little eyelid-less eyes—he easily won) . As his reward, I took his portrait while he acted all macho and stuff, silently wished him well, felt blessed and grateful for the experience, and continued my walk out into the desert.

Five years ago, I was living as a Soul when I had my awakening experience. Now, with a limited lifespan before me, my desire is to clear as many knots (conditioned reactions and habits) as possible which stand between My Love and I. The deep and serious contemplation of my inevitable death worked once before in expanding my consciousness, so maybe living as a Soul will work again.

Like Meister Eckhart and Saint Teresa of Ávila, I hope to immerse myself in the Divine and reveal any hardness which is still left of this annoying me-thing. In so doing—in seeing and feeling these “me-me-me” contractions—I hope to eventually relax and release them. My goal is that when I do die, I will have fewer attachments to this mortal life—attachments which will involuntarily tear me apart from Her once we merge (my belief is that each of us merges with Her/God/the Light upon our deaths, but our attachments—our desires for something “other”—make this beautiful co-existence only a fleeting experience).

From Fading Toward Enlightenment:

Under the moon on that clear night, both frightened and amazed, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Back,” I said, and my whole life changed forever.

Wholeness. Contentment. Joy and Bliss. Awareness without an Other. Love radiating outward into itself. No beginnings, no endings. No births or deaths. To Life, there is no opposite.

From the Stillness, a subtle tug, a tiny ripple on the empty ocean. A single twitch, a little pull and suddenly there were Two.

Ripped apart by desires unknown. She, the World and I, me. No longer One, we now were Two. It’s all my fault… Forgive me.

Yeah, it sucks, but that merging is what I see as the purpose of my life, or at least, this phase of my life (assuming I survive it). As Leona Lewis sings in Avatar, “Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.” Meister Eckhart or St. Teresa could have written those exact words.

Your love shines the way into Paradise, so I offer my life as a sacrifice.

And so this journal will be used to record my progress on just that: The immersion of this me-thing into the Light.

I’m sorry for all the odd terminology and links. I’ve been a Mystic for over five years now and in that time—and by necessity—have developed a vocabulary all my own. Lots of vast and varied experiences, all documented (and thus linkable). So don’t sweat the vocabulary. Just like the readers of my previous blog, you’ll pick up the language soon enough.