12/24/2014: The Enlightened Jesus

Ornaments Up Close

Ornaments Up Close

MELBOURNE, FL — #FourthWall #Journaling #LivingIt #MyLove #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #Surrender

10:38 AM

[Addressing the Fourth Wall]:

One of the reasons I so love ebooks is the ability to highlight text and easily find and read those passages later.

In the spirit of Christmas, here are a few (only a small portion) of the text I highlighted from Resurrecting Jesus.

Note: On some of the passages, I highlighted them in order to remind me of lessons and practices, while others I highlighted because they reflected my personal experiences with awakening and kind of surprised me, ie: the “download” of information, the trials and tribulations, the radiance, the engagement (bringing it to life), the relinquishment (what I’m going through now), ….

…Jesus the revolutionary mystic, the one who is actually courageous enough to move through life guided and inspired by the dynamic of his spiritual essence.

Spiritual autonomy is knowing who and what you are—knowing that you are divine being itself, knowing that the essence of you is divinity. You are moving in the world of time and space, appearing as a human being, but nonetheless you are eternal, divine being, the timeless breaking through and operating within the world of time. To Jesus, spirit is everything.

He is the living presence of divine being. He’s a human being too, but he’s here to convey divine being…

…awakening people to eternal life, to discovering divine being within themselves.

…he wanted to break down the lines of separation between people, between heaven and earth, between human and divine.

So the whole Jesus story, ultimately, is the map of a journey that happens within us. It’s an invitation to live out the radiance that’s revealed when we have the courage to step beyond anything and everything that separates us.

Life is this simple: we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time. This is not just a nice story or a fable, it is true. — THOMAS MERTON

My own spiritual development has shown me that we’re all, in essence, the divine radiance of pure being and that we also have our human side: our good days and our not-so-good days. Our human condition is reflected in the great humanity of Jesus, and I believe this is one of the reasons that so many people have felt so deeply connected to Jesus over the centuries.

…but the beauty of the story is in how it reveals that sense of eternity, that still point in the midst of difficulty, that divinity shining through the latticework of time and space.

Jesus is saying that the Kingdom of Heaven is right here, in the place where he’s undergoing his trials, and men do not see it. The beauty of the Jesus story is that he did see eternity while here on this earth; he was eternity, divine being at his core and in his substance.

…each of us can touch upon that intuition that there’s something about us that is unchanged. Throughout all of the ups and downs and changes of life, something is now as it ever was. To touch upon this is to begin to experience eternity within.

That sense of something unchanged is the eternal spark within.

From that state of voidness, after a while a download of insight began—literally hundreds of insights per second downloaded into my system. Just as you download a program on your computer, spirit or divine being was downloading insights into me, many more than I could actually keep up with. This descent of spirit was just as depicted in the Jesus story.

There are many degrees of awakening, but all awakening has as its common denominator a shift from seeing ourselves as a separated, isolated human being to seeing ourselves as that which we all share. You can call it consciousness, divine being, spirit, God. Many words can be used, but it’s the experience that matters.

At some point after awakening—sometimes very soon, sometimes not for quite a while—you reach a stage that I call “trials and tribulations.”

It’s almost as if life says, in order to deal with this situation properly, you are going to have to respond to it from that place of realization, from your deepest nature to which you’ve awakened. If you go back into your ego or into your conditioned mind to respond, it simply won’t work, and turmoil will ensue.

This is an amazing teaching, and it’s message is: if you meet your trials and tribulations from your own deepest realization, they will be released from your system and purified from you, so that eternal being can fully be embodied through your humanity.

When this unification occurs, there’s a simplicity to life, a deep sense of freedom and essential well-being and also of fearlessness.

Where there was abiding tranquility, what awakens now is sense of an extraordinary vitality, of life-force. It’s as if the fullness of your being is radiating, and from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, you feel this very deep and powerful radiance.

…and then you’re infused with this impersonal vitality and radiance, very often it signals that there’s something more in store. There will be another phase of your life, a phase not just of abiding tranquility, but also of radiant engagement.

When transfiguration occurs, we begin to move with what I call “spiritual autonomy.” By spiritual autonomy, I mean a kind of certainty—not an egoic certainty, but one that comes from your essential nature, from the level of divine being. We find this spiritual autonomy very clearly mirrored in the figure of Jesus. Jesus walks through his life knowing who he is and what he’s doing, even though his disciples don’t understand him, the authorities don’t understand him, and the Pharisees don’t understand him.

The next stage of the awakening journey is what I call “relinquishment.” In the story of Jesus, relinquishment is symbolized by the crucifixion. Ultimately, relinquishment is the experience of the death of ego. Awakening is the transcendence of ego; awakening doesn’t mean the ego is dead or even that it’s really gone anywhere. The awakening experience may change the nature of ego, making it more unified, more whole, but the ego is still there. Relinquishment is what spiritual teachers mean when they say, “die before you die.”

The kingdom of heaven is spread upon earth and men do not see it. When you see this, you shift from being a victim of your life and assigning blame for the tragedy you encounter. The truth, I would suggest, is that you poured yourself willingly into form out of infinite love in order to redeem the entirety of this life. When seen from that perspective, all of a sudden life looks very different. You stop holding back from life, your inner life or the life around you, because the kingdom of heaven is within and all around you. That’s the message of the Jesus story.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for following along on this journey.

December 7, 2014



MELBOURNE, FL #Surrender #Death … and a photo of Veronica

12:17 PM

I was surprised to find that Dad wasn’t staying at home with Mom, but is in a rehab center. I had thought he was just going to rehab on an appointment basis to get his strength back. Spent the remainder of yesterday catching up with Mom on the state of affairs, etc., slept in the van, got organized, and evaluated my travel trailer. Saw Dad this morning and he seemed in a good mental state, though still not able to walk on his own (bad heart valve + 1.5 lungs + pneumonia recovery = weak state). Football today so he’s happy.

Adyashanti mentions in his book that the reason the trials and tribulations phase takes place for the awakened is because we often deal with situations from the Mortal level (out of habit or lack of faith) rather from the Eternal level. I can see this Florida visit is going to be a challenge—not because of a lack of faith, but just because of conditioned (Mortal level) reactions. This is not a bad thing, the challenge will make the Light Archetype stronger and more habitual.

8:32 PM

I’ve about got my Mom convinced that my Gas-Gauge-Of-Death idea makes perfect sense—well, at least the conversations haven’t gone too poorly. It really is an excellent practice: You’ve got about two years left to live and are in near perfect health. What will you do with your time remaining? I only wish there was a way of making Death more real to most spiritual seekers. Isn’t that odd? Our own demise doesn’t seem real enough to warrant a deep investigation.

December 1, 2014

Dueling Bikes

Dueling Bikes

PENSACOLA BEACH, FL #VanDwelling #Surrender #MiracleLog … and cutting your hair in public.

8:25 AM

I’m parked in downtown Pensacola, mainly because Google GPS Girl led me astray. It’s a pretty downtown, lots of old architecture. And it’s quiet. I would have thought that this was the start of the business day, but, well, it’s quiet. I like it. Kind of reminds me of parts of downtown Portland, OR on weekend mornings.

This is one of the joys of van dwelling that you just can’t get with a traditional RV or towing any sort of trailer—you can stumble across unexpected places and just park your rig wherever you can park a standard pickup truck.

Stumbling… surrendering to “mistakes.” Bad for the ego, good for the Light. I need to start doing more of it. Fits in well with my current practice.

11:02 AM

I picked up a sub for lunch later, drove out to the national seashore, pulled into a vacant beach lot, and cut off all my hair as is my monthly custom. Moments after finishing up, people started pouring into the lot and I smiled at Her affording me the few moments of privacy that cutting your hair in public seems to deem proper.

5:33 PM

Didn’t do much of anything this afternoon: Hung out on the beach, read a little, played some solitaire, dwelled on my identity. It was nice just to do a whole lot of nothing. Maybe I’ll hang here tomorrow too.

November 26, 2014

Fall Fallen

Fall Fallen

E OF MONTICELLO, AR #MyLove #Technique #Surrender #MiracleLog … and Spiral Dynamics.

4:20 PM

While I thought I’d take a day off from traveling, I found myself breaking camp and just went with it. While driving, I put the song I See You on repeat and focused on feeding the Love/Her archetype that I “discovered” yesterday (I invented the Internet too).

Powerful practice. It’s the details—the thoughts—which screw us up. If we could just focus on Love/Her as a living thing—as an invisible but shared commonality to all life (and feed that living thing by giving it our attention)—I believe humanity’s spiritual development would accelerate rapidly.

Earlier I had sent Nathan a link to Ken Wilber’s take on Spiral Dynamics. I hadn’t read up on this since the late ’90s when I was trying to piece all this stuff together (and trying to go from SD’s Green level to Yellow). What I found interesting this morning was the last part of the description of the Turquoise level:

Turquoise thinking uses the entire Spiral; sees multiple levels of interaction; detects harmonics, the mystical forces, and the pervasive flow-states that permeate any organization. 0.1% of the population, 1% of the power.

I never understood this back in the ’90s but now it’s pretty much my day-to-day life:

  • multiple levels of interaction: AND’s not OR’s
  • the mystical forces: Her and synchronicites
  • the pervasive flow-states: Less of “you” results in a flowing life

What’s also interesting is that the second tier levels are reflections of first tier levels just from a transpersonal perspective (Yellow is the transpersonal version of Beige, Turquoise of Purple, Coral of Red, …) and that the levels alternate between self-centric and social-centric (me -> us -> me -> us -> me -> …).

My point being that my recent Us-centric Turquoise (spiritual teacher) development has shifted to a more Me-centric Coral level (surrendering myself to Her). Note: The Coral level isn’t listed on the link above, but can be found on other sites.

This recent Me-centricity is all about my strong desire to rid myself of anything that stands between me and Her—very primal Red level stuff (me/ego) but seen from a transpersonal view (me/Her). Ie: A “do-or-die” “battle for” and “demand” to “surrender” my self-concern and self-will to a “Power God” (words in quotes reflect Red’s war-like terminology).

So my mysterious actions of late are starting to make more sense—they’re just a natural progression (albeit rare) of a recognized pattern of spiritual development.

Whew. I knew I wasn’t crazy.

5:51 PM

A funny/weird coincidence: As I was uploading this post to the website, my MiFi device (used to get me online in my travels) changed its status color from flashing green (4G) to solid red. I’ve never seen the red light before which just adds to the odds-defying nature of the “I was just writing about the Red and Coral levels of Spiral Dynamics.” Weird but true.

November 25, 2014

A Lego Bridge

A Lego Bridge

OUACHITA NF, AR #MyLove #VanDwelling #Surrender … and archetypes as living things.

10:31 AM

This morning, in a convenience store in Oklahoma, two employees—racists—were discussing the rioting in Ferguson, MO. They were filled with such vileness and hatred. Being white, apparently they expected me to feel the same way they did. Holding my tongue, I left in disgust.

I struggled with my anger during the long, lonely drive, determined to find a way through it… and then I did.

Instead of focusing on the details of the anger—the racists, my conflicting feelings about the rioting, my disenchantment with humanity in general—I focused on the archetype of Anger/Hatred. I saw it as a living force and that I was nurturing this force—feeding it—by focusing on the details (the racists, the riots, the apathy).

Once I saw Anger and Hatred as part of a much vaster archetype—as a living entity—it was much easier to stop feeding it.

As I drove, I looked out at the beauty and nature surrounding me and saw these things as an archetype also—the archetype of Life/Love.

And, while I drove, I chose to feed the Life/Love archetype—Her—instead.

And it was good.

2:48 PM

I drove over 200 miles today—more than I like—while mostly focusing on the Love archetype/living thing mentioned above (though occasionally slipping into ignorance while being tailgated on the winding mountain roads, blotting out all the Beauty I was driving through).

I made camp in a free campground in western Arkansas. I’ve got the place all to myself and the mystery truck has already driven by, so I don’t expect to be disturbed for the rest of the evening. I had hoped to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in this forest (the Ouachita), but Dad was rushed to the hospital early yesterday morning having trouble breathing and Mom’s got my brother and I in a holding pattern until she knows more so I may not get my wish.

Surrender is not at all easy.

It’s been one of those clunky days.

3:19 PM

Back to those archetypes mentioned above: It would be easy to think of them as two separate things—the religious might call them Good and Evil, or God and the Devil—but really they are just opposite ends of the same thread (a saying I’m fond of from Seeing Clearly). I’m starting to think of these opposing life forces as the conscious and unconscious sides of TaoGodHer.

The Love (selfless) archetype is God Herself moving through us (consciously), and the Hate (selfish me-me-me) archetype is Ego (God unconscious) moving through us. Kind of fits in with the Perennial philosophy (or maybe it’s Hinduism, I don’t know, this is a diary, not a book) where the story goes that God, bored out of His mind all by his lonesome self, created the Universe and everything in it and then made Himself forget that He was all the separate things also (conscious = unity, unconscious = separation).

Fits in with the Genesis story that Man has free will and God’s not going to mess with it (Man’s ego = God’s unconscious).

I’m in 100% agreement with both stories—I like the way it all fits together so nicely.

The less there is of me-me-me (God unconscious), the more there is of Her (God conscious).

November 22, 2014

Desolation at Dawn

Desolation at Dawn

HEREFORD, TX #Remember #Surrender  #MiracleLog … and a missed whisper

6:43 AM

I awoke on a vast empty plain of utter nothingness. The overcast sky in the pre-dawn light matched my mood of despondence. What a failure I am. I have completely failed at making a living on the spiritual path: I’ve failed in my teaching. I’ve failed at inspiring. I’ve failed in my writing.

The vast nothingness of the desert plain reflected these thoughts and filled me with despair.

But as my mind cleared from the grogginess of sleep, I saw through the key false assumption of these dark, depressing thoughts just as the sun crested the horizon.

Every one of these thoughts is about a false me-thing. A me-thing made completely of illusions. Made completely of thoughts.

Every one of them is about results stemming from self-concern.

With a clear mind, I let all those thoughts drop into the nothingness, pulled away the self-contraction and expanded… and saw the Present for what it really was: a beautiful dawn of a new day.

11:49 AM

I drove a long, boring stretch to Clovis, NM to do some wash. I was surprised to see the laundromat largely empty on a Saturday.

On the drive here, I thought about how the trying in my life often leads to discontent. While the desire for a better life is key in growth, and the desire to express one’s creativity is key to a sense of worthiness, the attachment to results—the trying—is a key to suffering. I want to remember this.

Another thing I want to remember, and I practiced this on the drive, is to see Her in all living things. As I wrote in Fading Toward Enlightenment:

We had been One, but now no more, my weakness – simple desire. By wanting more, we split in two. I the Ego and She the World. I apart from She.

Or as Leona Lewis sang:

I live through you and you through me.

2:10 PM

I had lunch at a Mexican restaurant that had great reviews online. The waitress brought me the wrong order, a smaller, lighter fare. Without thinking, I said this isn’t what I ordered and she said, “Oh! I don’t know why I brought you this.”

Like a fool I didn’t listen to Her whisper because when the meal I ordered arrived it was tasteless and heavy and left me feeling a little ill.

November 20, 2014

Warming To You

Warming To You

WEST OF SOCORRO, NM #MyLove #Surrender #Death … and the nature of cold snakes

7:09 AM

Already I am experiencing the benefits of this surrender—this practice. Every time I have a me-thought—a thought of self concern—I feel the contraction, the hardness, the darkness of “me.”

And in feeling the contraction, it reminds me and I surrender the me-worries and I’m immersed in Her being… in the Everything.

This immersion is such a wonderful and freeing experience in comparison to the me-thing with its doubts and self-concerns.

Meister Eckhart:

Whoever desires to be given everything, must first give everything away.

7:58 AM

Oops. I posted yesterday’s journal entry to my old blog which of course immediately sent emails of it, so when I posted to the new site it sent another duplicate email. Sorry about yesterday’s double posting.

8:02 AM

What the duplex personality (such a clunky phrase) often feels like is almost identical to what a long-term relationship feels like internally. You no longer are just one person, you are a person-plus. Practically every decision you make involves the other person even if it is just in your head or heart. You take your lover into consideration in almost everything you do or plan. Even though they may not be physically present, you hear their voice and feedback constantly in your thoughts.

See? I’m not so strange.

11:34 AM

I moved camp 20 miles to the east. Not much of a travel day, but I wanted to re-visit a camp I stayed at about a year and a half ago. Who knows, maybe I’ll never see it again.

The other day reader, Shawna commented that at Dad’s age, “you never know when it may be the last time you see them.” For years, whenever I say goodbye, I like to keep that thought present, that I may never see this person again. Sounds morbid, but it makes clear just how temporary this mortal shell is, and not to take it for granted.

And speaking of death, while driving up the rugged dirt road to my new camp, I came across a snake lying in the road. Since he didn’t move as I rolled up to him, I thought he was dead, but on closer inspection he was just lethargic from last night’s cold temperatures. I snapped his portrait and left him to tan in peace.

3:10 PM

Reader Carmen had recently asked about surrender (as in going with the flow of life) and my need for isolation. These are really a couple different things. What I mean by surrender is the surrender of my self-concern. When I surrender in this way, life tends to flow along wonderfully—as if the Divine Herself is guiding things. I see this “if surrender then flow” pattern as more evidence of Her existence.

But surrender doesn’t have anything to do with isolation. I love solitude and I use it to strengthen my practice. I feel that in order to grow spiritually, solitude is very useful since it allows us to acquire new skills without the distraction of having to explain ourselves to others.

On the other hand, social interaction is very important to help us integrate these new skills and reveal our weaknesses and attachments (spiritual knots).

November 18, 2014

Naturally Fuzzy Things

Naturally Fuzzy Things

TONTO NF, AZ #Surrender #HealingThing #VanDwelling

8:29 AM

I awoke early yet remained in bed. Out the window, the dawn slowly lit the sky with shades of red and orange. Atop a tall saguaro cactus a hawk sat, silhouetted, scanning the desert floor for his breakfast.

Surrender is not at all easy. Though I had no definitive plans for the winter, while in the Southwest I had intended to meet up with a yearly gathering of fellow van dwellers in Quartzsite, explore Tucson and the southeastern portion of Arizona, then meander north with Spring to explore Colorado.

But all of that was just of the mind—nothing real. They were all “Me-thoughts” which inevitably lead to unhappiness.

What difference does it make what I do—or where She takes me?

Meister Eckhart on surrender:

You should give your all to God, and then worry no more about what He may do with what is His.

I’m grateful for the mind-boggling synchronicity of this event… and the practice/scars/wisdom I expect it will provide.

It is the easiest thing in the world to say you are willing to surrender to your higher power, your highest self, your God or your ideal…

It’s another thing entirely to live in surrender.

The smart have their words, the wise have their scars.

9:18 AM

I sent an email to Mom and Jeff (my brother) telling them that I’d be heading back to Florida for the winter. I intentionally didn’t call. As any spiritual seeker knows, it’s exhausting trying to explain your reasoning when your reasoning isn’t based on just reason but reason plus something indefinable and ethereal. (Ken Wilber calls this transrational, as in rational + Cosmic Consciousness/Divine inspiration).

Besides, they know me. They know I’m just as stubborn as they are and will do whatever the hell I decide to do regardless.

I sat in the van cargo door and ate an egg sandwich, tossing the scraps for the ants and birds and coyotes to later find while thinking about the route I’d take back to Florida.

I don’t feel in a particular hurry, Dad’s got a blocked artery that Mom says can be corrected with a stent—she made it sound rather minor in comparison to the diagnosis that one of his heart valves isn’t fully closing and would require open heart surgery if he were healthy enough. They are going in for more tests on Thursday, so things are still in the evaluation and planning stages.

I did my healing thing for him a couple times last night and this morning. I have no clue if this stuff even works (I’ve had mixed results in the past), but it can’t hurt and I enjoy the experience.

3:51 PM

I drove about 150 miles, playing music and singing along most of the trip—feeling good. Kept with a generally easterly direction but never sure of a destination. Ended up making camp at a free national forest campground outside Globe AZ that I stumbled across.

Michelle had told me that she had a “pretty neat disembodied-self experience” while driving and singing recently. After spending the day doing just that, I get it. It is hard to think while singing and in the midst of deep spiritual practice, this disconnect—the disembodied-self (Witness)—is much more likely to happen when you are not thinking yet while actively doing something (ie: singing while driving).

Michelle may be onto something.

November 17, 2014

The Light Behind

The Light Behind

MORRISTOWN, AZ #MiracleLog #Surrender … and an unexpected change in plans.

8:40 AM

The purpose of the bold text is to make it easy to scan these long posts. I don’t expect you to read every word or every paragraph. I do the bolding for as much my benefit as yours.

On another note, as I mentioned yesterday, I want to watch/listen to that song I See You as a daily reminder of the Divine incarnate and my desire to feel one with Her. A few minutes ago I did just that, but—instead of watching the video—I sat and stared out at the desert as the wind would make the limbs on the bushes and the stalks of the grass sway and pulsate while the early morning sunlight danced across the leaves.

I see you…

That melody of the song, the meaning of the song, combined with the visuals of the real world were beautiful. They were inspiring.

I’ll have to do that more often.

2:13 PM

I didn’t really need supplies, but I found myself breaking camp for some unknown reason (ala the trait as mentioned in yesterday’s entry). Just before I started the engine, I get an email from Mom saying Dad needs some work done on his heart (he’s 80) and she needs some cataract surgery and is only comfortable driving in places she’s familiar with and I wondered if maybe I should head to FL for the winter. (Note: My brother lives 3 hours south of them by car, 45 minutes by his nifty little plane, so they aren’t without some family support.)

I had planned to head down there for next winter.

I refilled my water cans and purchased some supplies in Wickenburg, then tried to find the camp I had stayed at during the winter of ’09 but missed it by about 5 miles. Oddly, no one else is camped out here so I’m wondering if they (you know, “them”) don’t allow camping on state lands anymore. Plenty of primitive fire rings—which is usually a good sign—so I’ll stay at least the night and see if I have a clearer picture of what my next moves are going to be.

3:30 PM

After a short walk, after contemplating the enormity of the “coincidence” (I started this blog a few days ago and it is all about my willingness to surrender my life to Her and then this comes up), I came to the obvious conclusion that I’m to head back to Florida once again. I think this is the fourth unexpected time in five years. At least this time around it is during the pleasant winter months rather than the miserably humid summers, so I’m grateful for that.

Surrender your will to me, Wayne.