MELBOURNE, FL #Technique #Death #Soul #Radiance #Emptiness #NoSelf … and the wisdom of complete and utter failure.
8:38 AM
How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?
The Eternal Loving Awareness… I know that this is what I am—what everyone is—but how do you take it from knowing to being?
I’m not interested in theories—I’ve heard them all. I’m interested in evidence.
What evidence do I have? What experiences have changed my being in the past?
(thinking)
(thinking)
Though I knew everything I needed to know (“You are just thoughts. If you can experience it, it isn’t you.”) it didn’t become a part of my being until…
(thinking)
(thinking)
… until I gave everything I had (“I’ll sit here until that damn frog moves.”)…
… and I failed.
(“How can the frog sit so peacefully for so long and I can’t? The frog has no thoughts. What are these thoughts that are driving me crazy? What am I but a bunch of thoughts? …”)
The lived experience and the failure made the theories real (“I am not these thoughts. Thoughts are just noise inside of me. ‘Wayne Wirs’ is just a bunch of inner noise.”).
The scars of the failure (“The smart have their books, the wise have their scars.”) changed my very being.
(Re-reading what I just wrote.)
Dare I say, the emotional scars of my failure? I was on the Gas Gauge of Death. I was going to kill myself in a few months. I was giving it my all to get as far as I could in this life in preparation for my next and I still failed.
My failure (failure at finding enlightenment, failure at even beating a stupid frog at a meditation challenge) was a huge blow to my ego.
It broke me.
That failure, that blow to my ego, shattered the ‘Wayne Wirs’ story—the personal self. It destroyed the belief that I was my history, my past, my roles (“I am such a smart guy”) and my thoughts (“I know it all”). That failure destroyed “me” and it humbled what was left. That failure broke me.
So back to the original questions:
How do you change your heart? How do you change your being?
What I know: I am the Eternal (Soul) Loving (Radiance) Awareness (Emptiness).
I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.
- I must constantly remember this. “I am the Eternal Loving Awareness.” I must meditate on it. I must repeat it and contemplate it constantly until the thought becomes embedded into my subconsciousness like the song I See You is stuck in my head.
- I must constantly apply it. I must attempt to live as the Eternal Loving Awareness… No. That’s wrong—I must not attempt to be it, I must reveal it. While going about my day-to-day life, I must be consistently aware of what I am—and have always been as far back as I can remember—the constant and unchanged thing that I really am: The Eternal Loving Awareness1.
- and I must learn from my failures (scars). Why did I fail? What is it that is pulling me away from the Eternal (“constant and unchanging…”) Loving Awareness (“…thing that I really am”)?
How do I change my heart? How do I change my very being?
The answer, ironically, is that I must break what is already broken—what is already flawed: I must break the me-thing.
The smart have their books and the wise have their scars and the less there is of identifying with the me-thing the more there is of the Eternal Loving Awareness.
- The constant, unchanged thing that I really am, is what Adyashanti calls the eternal still point within you. ↩