Yesterday, reader Nathan was asking about my doubts and motivations when it comes to writing. What got me thinking was when he asked, “Did you ever ask the question how will it work out?”
I used to. Back when I was trying. When I was trying to be a writer, I used to ask that question a lot. (“Writer” = Identity = “Me” = Very Important).
No more though. Now I write because I love to write. Thinking back on this, practically everything I’m good at, I love doing. Which isn’t too hard to understand really—nothing mystical at all here: What you love to do, you do more of it, so you naturally get better at it… and if you stick with it, you get good at it—maybe even great at it.
I no longer write with a goal of success in mind. I write because whatever it is—the subject of what I’m writing about—feels like it needs to be written. Ditto my photography. I’m not looking to be a success in my photography, I just love taking pictures, and sometimes the subjects of my photos feel like they want to be taken. Like they need to be taken.
Ironically, this screw-success-do-what-you-love attitude is reflected in my current spiritual practice. After my initial awakening five or so years ago, I deeply wanted to be a successful teacher and that was reflected in my blog and other works. This Wayne-the-teacher attitude/identity has faded quite a bit over the years, but it was only recently—with my deep disenchantment with the world (and a key reason for starting this journal)—that I’ve finally given up the idea of success… on convincing or selling this stuff to others.
Now I’m (paradoxically selfishly since my practice is all about selflessness) focused more on what I really love: TaoGodHer and my relationship with Her. Consequences be damned, I’m doing what I want.
That sounds kind of cold and cynical, but when you look at it, maybe there’s (unintentionally) more to this than at first appears. People seem to like my writing and photography, so maybe this doing-it-for-the-simple-love-of-TaoGodHer will have a similar effect.
Re-reading the above, I’m struck once again with how the Everything-Is-Alive archetype (for lack of a better phrase) keeps appearing in my awareness. As the I-thing dies/dissolves, TaoGodHer starts to suffuse things and thoughts: The Light/Dark archetypes; the insights needing to be written; the objects wanting to be photographed.
This isn’t a mental thing for me. It’s not a theory or an explanation or a philosophy. It’s a real thing, an experienced thing.
Everything—not just things, but even concepts—feels alive. Everything feels suffused with Her essence.